Hi
I"m a 29-year-old male and have been doubting my sexual orientation since puberty. I learned I like both genders, that I can get aroused by both women (some) and men (more) at a young age. But I can't seem to make up my mind.
I've only fallen in love with women, but it feels like I prefer men sexually. I have no idea. I've had sex with women, which was okay, but never with another man, although I fantasize about that most of the time whilst masturbating. I honestly don't know what to think anymore. I like the thought of having sex with both genders but I'm just so unsure. When I watch porn I'm focused on the guys and can't seem to figure out who I'm jealous of most. Honestly I'm jealous of both and have a hard time figuring out who's hotter at times. I don't like gay porn but I don't like lesbian porn either. Basically I like (most) penises, six packs and other men parts more than I like boobs which, of course, has to mean I'm not straight. I'd kiss a man if he's okay and I'm sure I'd be all over him submissively. I like older men and masturbating to them is a huge turn on, more so than masturbating to women.
Basically it feels as if life would be easier if I could switch gender from time to time. I'm capable of having sex with most women I guess, but I have a certain type of men I like, sexually. Can't see myself falling for a man romantically. My sexual preference, in my mind, seems like an on and off switch between both genders. The more I accept these desires, the hotter men seem to become in my eyes. I can't seem to shut up about men but I love women so much too and sometimes it feels as if I'm more attracted to women. That's when I pretend I'm straight. It's as if I wouldn't want to be asked to choose. I'd probably like to have both genders in my life. Am I bi?
I've thought these desires would fade but they don't and I'd like to move on. It's as if I feel stuck somehow. I've been battling severe anxiety and don't know if the doubts could have something to do with it.
Sometimes I wonder whether my desires are just fantasies but they seem to be way too frequent. I'm seriously considering to act upon these desires. I think of both women and men as hot, although it feels as if my heterosexual side is more natural, and I feel like I'm denying my gay side most of the time, although I'd really like to embrace it because the feelings are very pleasurable. They say that most men have the occasional same sex fantasy but mine are like a constant thing. Having been raised with religion and thinking of myself as a sinner constantly doesn't help either.
For what it's worth, my brother is a gay man. A congenital disease runs in the family and I can't help but wonder if nature's trying to get rid of it by making us (partly) gay??
Personality-wise I like both feminin and masculin activities. I'd have no problem with being a woman I think. Deep down I want to be a women honestly, I love women. And I like my type of man.
Thanks for your opinions!
Ken