Our partner

My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Sexual Disorder NOS message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderators: Snaga, Tyler

Forum rules
You are entering a forum that contains discussions of a sexual nature, some of which are explicit. The topics discussed may be offensive to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum.

My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby weirdedout » Mon Jun 10, 2013 6:42 am

My son is 20 and lives with his father. His father and I have been separated for about a year and a half. My son comes over for dinner every other week or so. Tonight we were watching a movie and he was laying down on the couch and I was sitting on the edge of the couch. He put his feet on my leg, and a few times his foot crept to my crotch area and he sort of rubbed slowly. I was in sort of disbelief so I told him "hey move your foot - it's on my crotch" and he just said "oh sorry" and moved it. But this happened 3 times. Then the movie was over and he sat up and I got up to clean up the popcorn bowls, out of the corner of my eye I see his penis sticking out of his pants. At that point I acted like I didn't see it and I went into the kitchen and kind of freaked out privately for a minute. I cannot just ignore this, so I went back to to couch and sat down, I pointed at his penis and said "what is going on here? why do you have you penis out?", he tried to act like he didn't know and he put in back in his pants. I said "no - I'm not crazy and it seems to me like you are coming on to me or something - I mean you were trying to rub me with your foot and then you have your penis out, what is going on?".. He told me that he is attracted to me and he can't help it. We talked about it for a few minutes. He told me he thinks he's felt like this for a couple years (But later told me it was longer), and of course I told him that NOTHING even remotely sexual will ever happen between us. I told him that I love him no matter what, but this is WAY inappropriate, and maybe he should see a therapist. Also, at that point I was feeling even more uncomfortable because he kept looking at my boobs. I said I had to take him home. I got up and he came close to me, kind of pushing me up against the wall and I did get a little scared and told him You need to go home now. Even after that he begged if he could "see" me. I had to drive him home. I kept calm and reassured him that of course I still love him, but told him it's really disturbing to me that he just took his penis out like that and it's creepy to do that no matter who it is. Even when we got to his house he asked for just one kiss! I told him that I feel very uncomfortable with him right now and it will probably take me a while to lose that feeling..
This happened just a little while ago. I am so stressed and just uuggg right now. I can't even put it into words. I cannot talk to any of my friends about this. It's too late to call a doctor.. I can't sleep now.. What do I do? I mean, even if the attraction to mother thing is somewhat normal, the overly persistent and aggressive is not, and it is so disturbing.
weirdedout
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Jun 10, 2013 6:16 am
Local time: Fri Jul 10, 2020 6:53 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby gf77 » Mon Jun 10, 2013 12:41 pm

I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation, but you are right this is totally inappropriate. It might be a good idea to see your doctor so you have someone to talk to, but I think at the end of the day it's not you who has the problem, you're reaction to this is totally normal. How is your relationship with your sons father? Could you talk to him about what happened? Ultimately it's your son that needs help with his feelings, but as for you it's always good to talk about your feelings and hopefully your doctor can help you with this.

Best wishes.
BPD and anxiety.
Completed CBD and DBT, soon starting CAT.
Currently taking 375mg venlafaxine, 250mg depakote, 100mg seroquel, 2mg lorazepam.
Any questions just ask :)
gf77
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Thu Jun 06, 2013 5:54 pm
Local time: Sat Jul 11, 2020 3:53 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby sleeper^ » Mon Jun 10, 2013 1:07 pm

What a horrible position to be put in ..
You need to immediately put a safety boundary into place
You told him not to ( & he continued on) with inappropriate behavior & edged you up against a wall- which is ( intimidation)

Don't be alone with him again!
Doesn't matter that he is your son ( he is acting totally inappropriate) Go to a joint visit with him to a therapist as soon as possible
He will be angry ( but don't worry ) he needs to know right now YOU will not tolerate such behavior with him again!

Attraction can happen unfortunately so at times which is totally inappropriate ( as in this case) the problem here is that he approached you ( made you even more uncomfortable by being in your space ) this is now someone not to be alone with ...so z but it is true ...
He is a risk to you right now ( if something happened ) neither of you would be able to forgive yourself or forget it ...

Take the lead ( & do not see him again alone until this can be sorted ) tell him straight out you are frighted of his advances ( & if he wants to see you again he must see a counselor / or psych tog) he needs to be made embarrassed by this to know it is NOT normal behavior or appropriate( nor will it be allowed to just be swept under the rug) to come onto you in such a manner !
Be harsh to be kind in this instance ..he might be angry / hurt but better that than have him thinking in ANY way that it is ok !
Do not let him get away with it ...( he will see it as consent to try again ) if something is not done to curb his advances! right now !! ( get him into a few joint sessions then hopefully he will then be able to continue on alone with the same therapist by himself ..
sleeper^
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 195
Joined: Wed May 15, 2013 3:35 am
Local time: Sat Jul 11, 2020 2:53 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby HesDeltanCaptain » Mon Jun 10, 2013 4:01 pm

If it comes up again, inform him what he did was actually criminal. Unwanted sexual contact 'causing affront or alarm' makes it criminal. Incest is actually much more common than people think, but while it's great fantasy, it's a terrible reality. We're a sexually repressed culture that has trouble with sex under ideal circumstances, nevermind fringe relationships as with incestuous ones. I think your reaction is less about the incestuous aspect and more akin to how rape victims feel since that's what happened. When you remove the family-component it's easier to see it as a near-date-rape sort of event, and thus your feelings are better understood in that context. Depending on how much hay you feel is warranted to make of it, you might wanna seek counselling for rape.
"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I pretended to be." - Me.
HesDeltanCaptain
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1221
Joined: Thu Mar 28, 2013 2:19 am
Local time: Fri Jul 10, 2020 9:53 pm
Blog: View Blog (10)

Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby weirdedout » Mon Jun 10, 2013 10:04 pm

Thank you all for taking the time to give me some rational responses. It helps calm me a bit. I made an appt for us to see his old therapist tomorrow night (he went for depression a couple of years ago). It is such a strange situation to be in -- yes I feel violated, but I feel such empathy for him because he is my son. At this point this is both of our problem. I don't want to feel scared or strange around my son. Also, I am very concerned about his lack of control and umm I don't even know what the word would be -- just him not understanding that this would shock and offend me. If he were to do this to anyone else he might be in jail right now, and then have some kind of sexual record.
Anyway.. if anyone is interested I can post updates regarding this.. may help someone in my situation - I did not find many things about this when googled..

-- Mon Jun 10, 2013 2:07 pm --

HesDeltanCaptain wrote:I think your reaction is less about the incestuous aspect and more akin to how rape victims feel since that's what happened. When you remove the family-component it's easier to see it as a near-date-rape sort of event, and thus your feelings are better understood in that context. Depending on how much hay you feel is warranted to make of it, you might wanna seek counselling for rape.

That's true, but after the initial shock my main reaction is that I just don't want him to do this to anyone else. He needs to learn (and should have by the age of 20!) to keep these urges to himself and also quit as soon as someone says no. That's what concerns me the most.
weirdedout
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Jun 10, 2013 6:16 am
Local time: Fri Jul 10, 2020 6:53 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby sleeper^ » Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:40 am

I hope it goes ok with the therapist ( you are doing the right thing) by not letting it just go without help

I know this must be so hard to do against him ( & also be aware he might get quite defensive & angry ) with you

It also might be best if you have some back up support also behind you ( eg- maybe his dad? ( how would he react to this )?
Think carefully though firstly as he needs help ( as you are correct if he did this to someone else ) he can be charged .. ( he didn't want to accept No as an answer) & this is the biggest issue ..
He should never of approached you again & again but he did ( he might have only stopped bc you are his mum) ..with someone else he mighten

( pls remember even though you love him dearly ) now is also the time to be really tough also & set VERY strict guidelines around him & you now...
You are not safe with him right now alone ( see him around someone else ) or have someone else in the house with you if he is there ...( you have no idea what he is really thinking or feeling right now ) behind the Veil he is showing you
There might be real concern so until the psych can find out what is going on in him ( be aware & safe with yourself also ) ..
You are correct no means no ( so yes also see this as the threat this it is ) & by putting in the boundaries right there in front of him to see also !
He needs to prove his trust worthiness with you again ( until then be firm & clear with him ) that it will not be allowed to occur again ..
You will be helping not only yourself but also him ! ( he needs to know CLEARLY from you not mixed signals ) that what he did is not alright ..
Yes pls let us know how things go
sleeper^
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 195
Joined: Wed May 15, 2013 3:35 am
Local time: Sat Jul 11, 2020 2:53 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby weirdedout » Wed Jun 12, 2013 2:49 am

Well, unfortunately my son is of the opinion that this is no big deal. I spoke with the therapist and he made it clear (which I already know) that it is critical for him to get help asap. Thankfully, the therapist has a lot of experience dealing with people with sexual issues. But he told me that my son has most likely done this before (exposed himself), and that it's a very hard thing to treat. He seems sure that if my son doesn't get treatment this will continue with other people, and eventually he will have a criminal record, and his life will basically be ruined. I have not told his father about this because he is a very angry person, and I'm afraid he will respond inappropriately (with rage).(Plus we are not on speaking terms). But my plan is that if I can't get my son to come to therapy willingly, my last resort will be to threaten to tell his dad everything that happened. My goal is to get him to therapy Monday afternoon. I will update then.

also, want to add- when I talked to the therapist about thinking that my son should control these urges by age 20, the therapist said that (from treating him previously) he thinks my son has the emotional maturity of a 16 year old, of course we all mature at different rates.
weirdedout
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Jun 10, 2013 6:16 am
Local time: Fri Jul 10, 2020 6:53 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby HesDeltanCaptain » Thu Jun 13, 2013 1:14 am

Trouble with emotional maturity is our society infantilizes everyone regardless of chronological age. We reject personal responsibility, have age requirements for basic human rights sorta things like sexuality, smoking, drinking, prolithic censorship on tv, and for a supposedly free country are among the least free compared to other "free" countries. The result is a pronounced delay in emotional maturity compared to our peer-countries. I wonder if there might be a link between how relatively safe a country is, and how emotionally mature its citizens are. Like in countries with frequent civil war or conflicts with neighbors you often see things like mandatory military service, younger ages of consent for things, and generally much earlier onset of adulthood in legal terms. As though the chance of being killed in a warlike incident being much higher, you mature much earlier. Whereas in the US, oweing to our geographic isolation from threats (oceans on either side) has kept us away from hostile neighbors since our inception as a nation.
"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I pretended to be." - Me.
HesDeltanCaptain
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1221
Joined: Thu Mar 28, 2013 2:19 am
Local time: Fri Jul 10, 2020 9:53 pm
Blog: View Blog (10)

Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby Platypus » Thu Jun 13, 2013 2:08 am

I'm not sure a person's emotional maturity is determined by their country's culture. I think there would be other factors. That might be a topic for another thread. :wink:


Weirdedout, I imagine that must be such a difficult situation to deal with. I admire how you have been clear and firm with your son and sought help.

Did you mention your 'last resort' plan to the therapist? I wondered if your son might react aggressively or 'act out' if you threaten him.

I hope your son accepts your support to get professional help.
No diagnosis, lots of opinions, and a bunch of issues that I haven't quite figured out.
Platypus
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 6868
Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2010 4:26 am
Local time: Sat Jul 11, 2020 12:53 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby weirdedout » Thu Jun 13, 2013 6:31 am

Platypus wrote:Did you mention your 'last resort' plan to the therapist? I wondered if your son might react aggressively or 'act out' if you threaten him.

I hope your son accepts your support to get professional help.


I did mention this to the dr and he said it sounds fine, however he was surprised (but understands why) I didn't tell his father what happened. He told me that if he were the father he would want to know of course, which seems right but it's so stressful to talk to my ex about anything, I can't even imagine his reaction to this.
Anyway, my son has agreed to go Monday, and fortunately I didn't need to use the "last resort" plan.
I want to thank you ALL again for taking the time to respond - obviously this is really difficult, and I haven't discussed this with anyone at all (except the dr). It really helps to get some reasonable, insightful feedback.
I am debating on whether or not to discuss this with my boyfriend.. It would be really great to have someone to talk to about this, but our relationship is new (and he is my first bf since my separation over 1.5 years ago) and I would hate to scare him away. But then again this is really happening and it is what it is. He hasn't met my children yet. What do you all think? - Would this scare you away?
weirdedout
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Jun 10, 2013 6:16 am
Local time: Fri Jul 10, 2020 6:53 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Sexual Disorder NOS Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 15 guests