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My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

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Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby Platypus » Thu Jun 13, 2013 2:11 pm

It's good to hear that your son has agreed to go to the therapist. :)

As for discussing it with your boyfriend, I haven't been in a similar situation but I don't think I would be scared away. It might shock or concern me at first, but I think it also shows that when you are faced with a problem you are assertive and willing to talk about what has happened. I think those are great qualities for a partner to have! I also think your son is an adult and responsible for his own behaviour.

If you do decide to tell your boyfriend and, for whatever reason, he cannot support you with this problem, that doesn't mean you have to deal with it alone. You may be able to find someone else you can talk to. If you don't have a friend or family member who can support you, perhaps the therapist could suggest a local support group.
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Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby weirdedout » Thu Jun 13, 2013 5:46 pm

Thanks so much for the kind words :) .. it's not that I don't have close friends. I have some very close friends, but I don't want them to think my son is a sicko and treat him differently in the future (like an outcast or something). Which, to be honest might be how I would react if the situation was reversed, you know? Blehhh.. I tend to overthink things, I'm just going to try my best to put this out of my mind until we see the therapist.
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Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby sleeper^ » Fri Jun 14, 2013 1:18 pm

Dear weird
When someone posts here you do only get snippets of info ( & not all the facts needed)
YOur ex has anger issues ( so no not a good idea to involve him ) he will react with anger & your son will only shut down
Soz to be blunt ( could the emotional immaturity be caused also by the witnessing of abusive behaviors towards you ?) you don't have to answer this here ( just something to consider & talk about with another eg- your own therapist if wanting to )
I'm also wondering is he also mimicking behaviors he might have seen btw you & your ex..( was he witness to abuse? eg- verbal angry outbursts / put downs / intimidating behaviors/ control of you? ) Maybe hense why the no control issues might be emerging now to perhaps? having seen your ex doing the same intimation / abuse of you?
Could the Lack of maturity be stunted growth due to anxiety of seeing what he has growing up with you 2?

Another thing to think about ( if you do decide to tell the bf ) might be to also ask him to be a source of good male bonding / role model ( you would have to gauge this though ) as your son might instead resent the talking to by the 'new' guy in your life ..( so you would have to weigh this up before trying also ) ..
( instead of the anger issues your ex might be displaying
Eg- you have this chance to help ( as the therapist is correct ) he might end up not being able to control with the wrong person ( & be charged which something)
( & I'm soz to say might this then also be the end of his life ) as he would not maybe survive also in jail either... :(
So you have nothing to loose ( try your best & maybe all angles ) right now even if it doesn't work ( if you love him & want to try ) try now before it is to late... It still mighten work but even if not ..you will be able to walk away abit more easier knowing in your heart you tried all you could for him..

So maybe restart again ( after Mondays therapy session)
(start to teach again with a male present ) & also maybe he might even offer support in the form of a backup verbally)
( start teaching him the correct / law abiding 'rules' again ) drumming into him the right & wrong way of being when with a gal & EXPLAIN it clearly ( in easy terms )
Also write out the things you need to say to him care fully before speaking to him
Repeat if necessary in small doses ( it might just be enough maybe also to stop & make him think if in the situation alone with another person ) not to go ahead ( you can only really hope so ) ..

If the bf can't ( or you don't think it appropriate) maybe another male relative / close friend (willing to help ) ?
The idea being to show him that a woman needs to be respected ( & that NO means no ) go through in DETAIL of different senerois with him ( lay it out in black & white for him ) tell him all you can ( in small sessions also if you think more appropriate - eg- due to attention problems )
You could only try & see how it goes ..
Coming from you 'lessons' might be a way to help also ...
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Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby Platypus » Sun Jun 16, 2013 12:31 am

weirdedout wrote:I have some very close friends, but I don't want them to think my son is a sicko and treat him differently in the future (like an outcast or something).

I know what you mean. Some people can be pretty judgemental when it comes to other's sexual behaviour. I can understand you wanting to protect your son from that.

If you need another person to talk to, what about telephone counselling? There may be some free phone services provided by charities or government in your area. It may not be as good as talking face-to-face with someone you know, but at least you will be anonymous so you don't need to worry about how they will react to your son.
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Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby weirdedout » Thu Jun 20, 2013 7:56 am

We had the therapy session on Monday. During the session, my son said he had thought he felt attracted to me a few times, but he felt it was nothing out of the ordinary. He said he didn't remember some of the details of what happened, but he woke up the next day hoping that the situation wasn't real (which is exactly how I felt when I woke up on Monday). After the therapist questioned him about drug use, It came out that he had taken a "thizz pill" earlier that day. Thizz, I think is ecstacy combined with meth. Meth is what the therapist is suspicious of. I can't say that I know the extent of my son's drug use, because I don't think he would tell me the truth, but the therapist said meth users tend to be hyper sexual. But he also said these drugs don't cause the attraction/thoughts about me that my son has, but it definitely distorts boundaries. Which makes sense, because he did not seem to be in his right mind. Another factor my son talked about was that his girlfriend had been living with him for several months (so he had a regular sex life), and they broke upp a few months ago.. I talked with him about how he scared me, and that his boundaries were way out of line, and would not be acceptable for anyone. The therapist talked to him about not reinforcing these desires by masterbating while fantasizing about me. He encouraged my son to seek counseling through the community college where he is enrolled, because we don't have insurance and I cannot afford to keep seeing him.
So, that's it for now.. I think I will give it another week or so before I have my son over again, and not be alone with him for a good while. And now I need to figure out if he has a drug problem :(
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Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby KevinG31 » Wed Jul 03, 2013 2:18 am

For a young person I could understand how he might mentally lose track of what he was doing and have a sudden burst of sexual impulse. I made a few mistakes like that when I was his age, I started playing footsie with my mother and ended up moving my foot all the way above her knees before she looked at me and I realized what I was doing and that I needed to stop. I unzipped the back of my aunt's dress in the kitchen when I was visiting her house one weekend. But what I find strange and dangerous about what your son did is how he actually took out his erect penis that close to you. An aggressive act like that suggests he could easily become a rapist.

Had your son given any previous indication that he was sexually attracted to you?
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Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby Kabuhi » Sat Jul 06, 2013 5:47 pm

I garnered two things from your OP, forgottendreams:

1. He doesn't respect you and probably resents you (maybe for separating from his father).
&
2. He's lashing out at you passively. He's lowered you to the level of a random skank in his mind.

So basically he hates you and he's punishing you by making sexual advances. I think that's why he's coming on to you. My advice is to ask him how he feels about you separating from his father and apologize to him. I believe doing that might re-humanize you in his eyes.

EDIT: It could also be drugs. I'm not fully aware of the effects that meth has on one's behavior.
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Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby ScienceAndCake » Tue Jul 09, 2013 1:38 am

weirdedout wrote:
Platypus wrote:I am debating on whether or not to discuss this with my boyfriend.. It would be really great to have someone to talk to about this, but our relationship is new


That doesn't sound like a very good idea.

"Hey new boyfriend, my son tried to have incestuous sex with me. How was your day?"

Unless you feel scared I wouldn't tell him. He's a bit close to the people involved. He'll either have to live in an incredibly uncomfortable situation or he'll punch your son's head off. Neither sounds particularly good.

Tell him if you're scared though, by all means. That's a different issue.
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Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby helpmehelpyou » Fri Jul 26, 2013 4:01 pm

hi
I used to have sexual feelings towards my mother when i was 17-16 . I am 19 now and have gotten completely over it . The first thing about the I noticed about the phase was that I was very lonely that fueled the feelings . The second thing was that I didnt had any real sexual experience which later helped me to get over these feelings . Third thing was that I was able to get over it because I knew that it was wrong and reading on the internet found that it was not entirely abnormal to have these feelings .If one tries he can get over it . Though there was a time when there was nothing that i could think of besides my mother and it was a very difficult phase . I thought of the consequence that would happen if we do something and then the thought of doing with my mother started to slowly disgust and that was a happy disgust . I suggest to have an intervention with whoever you think is the right person perhaps even with the therapist (not alone). Tell him to have take part in personality development activities like conversation clubs and yoga clubs . Besides that he should know how wrong it is and the consequences of his actions . They scared me off which prevented me to even approach my mother in any inappropriate way . Hope this helps
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Re: My son came on to me tonight... please help :(

Postby Wisedude » Wed Sep 25, 2013 6:58 am

This is definitely a dangerous situation.

I personally would be extremely hesitant to be alone at all with your son, there is some risk he may try and sexually assault you, especially if he is on any drugs/ alcohol.

I'd try and ascertain what the extend of his drug / alcohol use is, and NEVER allow him around if he is under the influence of either.

Him seeing a therapist is a good idea, his behavior could easily end him up in prison.
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