Our partner

When does a "fetish" become an addiction?

Sexual Addiction message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: Snaga

When does a "fetish" become an addiction?

Postby QueenOfDenial » Wed Jan 05, 2011 3:50 pm

My marriage is falling apart because of my husbands obsession with thigh high boots & BDSM, and my inability to "deal" with it. Here's the scoop: A while after we started dating, after I had totally fallen in love and thought he was such a sweet, honest, innocent man, he gave me a pair of thigh high boots and asked me to wear them. They were 3 sizes too small and hurt my feet horribly, but I agreed. I wasn't into it, I hated them, but he was super, extra sweet and wonderful the day after each time I wore them. This went on and soon he wanted me to wear them every time, even though he knew they hurt me and I hated them. There was no more simple, sweet lovemaking. He bought these horrible leather outfits, toys, etc. I played along for while, thinking maybe I could learn to enjoy it since he was so into it. We lived 40 miles apart and only saw each other about 3 days a week. After two years, we ended up getting married (way sooner than I had ever intended, but that's another long story.) Here we were suddenly together every single night. He expected sex every single night, with the boots and the outfits and I dreaded it. After a few months of tension, I told him finally that I didn't want the boots and outfits every time, that I wanted him to make love to me romantically. He was a kinda pissy about it, but he gave into about 50/50. But after the "plain ol'" sex, he wasn't very loving to me, almost like he resented me. I, in turn, resented the fact that his love for me seemed to rely on whether or not I wore his slutty outfits and boots. Then I found out some things that really blew me away.

I noticed all these crazy charges for calls all over the country, sometimes 200+ per month. He had no reason to be making 200+ calls all over the country every month but he wouldn't tell me what they were for. He would literally just look at me and not answer when I asked him about them and leave the room. After a while I started google-ing the numbers. All of them were for either on-line sex stores, boot repair shops, phone sex lines, craigslist ads selling boots, or personals ads for everything from dominatrix's or cross dressers looking for phone or real-time sex. Hundreds a month! I then dug around on the computer and found he had a profile on a BDSM "dating" website. This was 2 years ago. I confronted him and he said he wasn't actually looking for a date on there, he was just looking at the pictures and I called the phone sex lines because they were funny. He said he'd stop. He didn't. He changed the name of his profile and he hasn't stopped any of the calls. He knows that I know, he knows that it's why I have issues wanting to have sex with him, but he won't stop.

Over the last year, it's gotten way worse. I had a girlfriend sign up on the BDSM dating site to see if he really was there just to look at pics. The day after she signed up, he sent her a message wanting to meet up with her, in public, with her wearing slutty boots and sends her messages about what he wants to do to those boots. He forgot to sign out of his secret email account a couple weeks ago and looked at all of his messages over the last several years. OMG!! It's way beyond what I could have imagined. He has put out Craigslist ads looking to meet men who like crossdressers. He's offered to meet with them wearing boots and let them masturbate on them. I don't know if he has actually met any of them, but I'm sure he has. I found two pairs of boots that I didn't know about that he had hidden in the basement, and I've found them in his car. He also has been emailing a few men, pretending to be a woman. And from the emails, I finally found the reason for all phone calls and texting. He's having phone sex with other men. Apparently they jack off together while talking about their wives wearing boots, and a few of them he says he's wearing them and telling the men what he would do to them with the boots. SICK!!! The emails from when he was out of town in another city for work training showed that he had put out a Craigslist ad in that city looking for men to have phone sex with. I haven't told him that I know about all of this yet. I'm still in shock for one thing. My husband is a cross-dresser and has done god knows what! The thought of having sex with him makes me want to throw up. Some of these people he interacts with are disgusting. I googled the email address of one of the men he has phone sex with and he's a highly respected, 60-ish volunteer at a kids organization about 500 miles away.

When I did confront him before this about the phone sex and dating site, he doesn't seem to think that he is doing anything wrong, even though I've told him how hurt and disrespected I feel. He absolutely refuses to stop, then he gets angry with me because I don't want to have to sex with him because I'm disgusted by his behavior and feel like I'm just another one of his sluts. I don't feel loved or respected by him at all. He swears he's not having sex with anyone and therefore is not cheating. I can't afford to leave and I don't want to disrupt our daughter or my step-daughters' lives, so I'm trying to figure out a way that we can afford some counseling. It may take a while before we can afford it, and even then I don't know if he will ever agree to go, especially since he thinks he does nothing wrong. Is this normal behavior, that all men do? Were the rest of the men I've dated just better at not getting caught? Is there a name for this? I know I've been become crazy and obsessed trying to figure out what he's up to all the time, scared to death that he'll give me some disease. We live in a cozy small town and I love my life other than this crazy aspect. Is there any way, with counseling, that we could ever get back to a "normal" loving marriage?
QueenOfDenial
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Jan 05, 2011 2:57 pm
Local time: Wed Oct 20, 2021 4:03 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: When does a "fetish" become an addiction?

Postby Craving4Sex » Wed Jan 05, 2011 5:43 pm

if someone asked me to wear a pair of boots that were 3 sizes too small for me I would tell them to go jump, never mind any of the other stuff :shock: I think when a man asks you to do something like that to please him at the start of a relationship, hes giving you a small hint right up front, that theres a whole lot more to come and it will usually involve you doing things your not comfortable with, just to keep him happy. get rid of him that would be my advice, never mind trying to turn him into something hes not, get him to be more loving or any of that, its a total waste of time the mans not worth your time, he sounds like a total perv who is taking the mickey out of you and your marriage and you would be better off without him, financially as well as emotionally!
Craving4Sex
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2011 5:03 pm
Local time: Wed Oct 20, 2021 10:03 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: When does a "fetish" become an addiction?

Postby QueenOfDenial » Wed Jan 05, 2011 6:26 pm

Yes, I agree, I should have walked away right away back then. I was caught up in his fake romantic persona that he won me over with in the first place. He was all about how it was "fate" that brought us together, and very understanding of my past, etc. etc. After all the boots and crap started, and then subsequently subsided at my request, he was way less loving and started showing his ugly, very jealous side. (Side note: It's funny to me to how his is SO jealous and paranoid, yet he's the one who wants to have other men jack off to my picture)

Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could go back in the past and do things way differently. I could make myself crazy looking back at all the things in my past I want to change. I start to myself when I do, and I know it's not healthy. I made this bed, I have to lie in it. I know I'll never have a perfect life or a normal life. I just want some peace. When I'm old, I want to be able to look back and know that I at least did some things right, made some people happy and know that I was loved, even if I screwed up a lot when I was younger. I need to figure how to make my current situation something I can be happy with.
QueenOfDenial
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Jan 05, 2011 2:57 pm
Local time: Wed Oct 20, 2021 4:03 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: When does a "fetish" become an addiction?

Postby Craving4Sex » Wed Jan 05, 2011 7:20 pm

You dont have to lie in that bed at all, you didnt make it, he did and drew you into his seedy world. I wouldnt focus on what mistakes you have made or things you wish you had/hadnt said or done, just concerntrate on getting this man out of your life and moving on. It will be hard and it will take time and it will be very emotional, but dont you think you deserve better than he is offering?
good luck :wink:
Craving4Sex
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2011 5:03 pm
Local time: Wed Oct 20, 2021 10:03 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: When does a "fetish" become an addiction?

Postby winginitx » Wed Jan 05, 2011 7:59 pm

Let me offer you my two cents, as a man and husband who got caught up in that SA world. Some earlier poster eluded to this, but it really comes down to two choices: 1. Leaving and starting your life over again, or 2. Staying and dealing with a husband in denial.
Let's assume you choose option 2 - now what are you going to do? Your husband is in denial and you can get defeatist and exhausted quickly if you think you can snap him out of it. You can't. The lengths guys will go to to protect their addiction is extreme - and whatever behavior discovered, you can bet, you have only seen the tip of the iceberg.
I started a web blog *mod edit* and I suggest reading "Advice for Spouses" under the CSI Review section on the left hand side.
So, what do I suggest you do? Well, you have a right - and if you have children, you have the obligation - to protect your family and have some sense of sanity in your life. Do not feel guilty for not obliging his fetish. While fun at the start, you now know how impersonal and objectifying that behavior is. His source of sexual arousal is not you in the boots....its the boots. That is a damaging assault on your dignity and self-worth as a woman and wife.
First, please understand, this is not about you; how pretty you are or what you will do or don't do in the bedroom. This was going to happen whether you complied or not because his problem pre-dates you. As with all SA's, his problem is not sexual; his problem is emotional that gets expressed sexually. Just like the alcoholic or gambling addict - the expression differs, but the source is emotional pain and trauma unresolved. Okay? When you look at it through the lens of mental health, you can start to take the sting out of the personal damage it is causing you and begin to extend some mercy towards the inflicted.
How should you behave towards him then? I suggest, with mercy and compassion but with boundaries. This is difficult stuff and might end the marriage, but bending to his warped view of love and sexuality will not make you happier and is doing him no favors.
So, you lovingly confront him. You tell him what you know and how concerned you are, and you quietly, patiently and with loving concern, lay down the rules and boundaries. Porn and computer activities is bad enough, but at least that is confined to your home and there are no 3rd party sex strangers involved. If there is evidence of 3rd party involvement – or you suspect there is – you really can't have a safe and loving sex life with your husband. Insisting on no 3rd party sex encounters needs to the minimum standard for any marital sex to occur. He needs to prove to you that he can be faithful in that regard – otherwise he is putting you at risk for disease or worse. Whatever he is doing or wherever he is going to fulfill that 3rd party sex has to stop in total. Until then, your body should be off limits to him. I know how it sounds, but you have to have some sane boundaries. Will this drive him to act out more? Probably…but that is on him, not you. Those are choices he is making. He could choose to have sex with you, but there are some conditions – and your reasonable condition, that he promised btw when he married you – was to be faithful.
You cannot slide on this. Nothing will be gained if you don’t have this rule in place. And if you slip on this, you will have to start back at this point all over again. I have seen this a hundred times with sponsorees that I have sponsored.
Oh, and having sex on the phone with anyone besides you in 3rd party involvement.
For Hubs in denial, he has to know that you have standards and that there are consequences to his actions. If that requires you moving out, with the understanding that if he gets involved with treatment and can show you that he is trying, then you can accept him back. Or, if you need to ‘move out but stay in the house’ same things just close quarters.
You have to understand that in his head, he is acting rational and this is normal for him. SA’s version of what love and sex is is skewed. I had to learn those terms and what they meant all over again. It is scary and makes you question everything you ever learned.
He can win this, but he has to want it. He has to want to be a better man. There usually comes a time when that man realizes this life isn’t making him happy. You just pray that occurs before too much damage has been done.

Hope this helps…..
winginitx
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 236
Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2009 5:46 pm
Local time: Wed Oct 20, 2021 10:03 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Sexual Addiction Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 31 guests