Addicted to cruising for sex

Greetings moderators and forum members,

I am a 47-year-old man. I became addicted to cruising for sex in public places such as parks, public restrooms, beaches, etc. I started this behavior in 2008, mainly as a way to get back at my partner for his own infidelities. At first, it was something I did occasionally, but later it became a habit whenever I had free time. I tried to stop several times, but I wasn’t successful.

On top of this, I have a phobia of STIs like HIV, yet I still put myself in risky situations. Most of the time, what I did in those places was giving blowjobs and fingering. Because of my phobia, I usually limited myself to masturbation and fingering, and many times when I was there, I acted as a voyeur. Even though I tried to keep things “low risk,” I still felt fear, anxiety, and constantly worried that something might have gone wrong. I would remain anxious for months until I got tested again. After getting my test results, I would feel calm for a while, but then the urge to go cruising would return.

Things got worse after 2021, when I caught my partner cruising in a bar restroom. I used that as a way to justify my own actions, and since 2022, I have been going to all kinds of cruising spots. The last time I went was this past August. I met a guy at a bird sanctuary, a popular spot for gay encounters, and at first we just jerked off together. Later, he fingered me. My fear was that at some point he might try to penetrate me without protection, even though I kept pulling away each time to make sure he didn’t. I asked him if we only did fingering the whole time, and he said yes—but my fear remained.

Afterward, I started feeling anxious again. I felt guilty, full of regret for what I had done, and I was also scared that someone might have seen me during these acts. I went to a therapist, and he told me that I have a sexual addiction. I feel trapped in a vicious cycle: I feel the urge and the need → then I go act on it → then comes regret, fear, anxiety, guilt → then an STI test for some sense of relief → then a calm period → then repeat.

My therapist insists that I come clean to my partner, but I don’t want to do that. I don’t feel ready to talk to him about this, and for now I prefer to face my healing process on my own. My therapist advised me to look for online resources on sexual addiction for support, and that’s why I’m here in this forum.

It’s been 4 weeks since I last visited any cruising spots, and I have also deleted some of my social media profiles where I used to connect with other men involved in the hook-up culture.

I'd like to know if their are others in a similar situation and how you are dealing with this.

Regards,

BrokenPrism

How have you been coping, lately?