I WOULD LIKE TO UNDERSTAND

Hi everyone, I'm 44 years old and to avoid writing a long post, I'll just list
I never had parents who mistreated me or anything else.
From the age of 14, I started drinking and smoking marijuana.
A friend of mine performed oral sex on me when I was 14.
I had my first sexual encounters with women when I was 15.
My aunt performed oral sex on me; I was looking for her.
After the death of all my family members, my world collapsed (financial and work crisis).
I always went to public restrooms looking for men/women who performed oral sex on me (even adult movies).
I've tried almost every drug; I still drink, smoke joints, and smoke cocaine.
For some time now, post-Covid to be precise, I've been alone and feeling lonely.
I talk to myself.
I imagine a different life.
Lately, I've been seeking sexual advances with ugly, older women, and they're relatives or neighbors, all strictly online.
I don't know if I should see a psychologist, I'd really like to understand.
Thanks for this space.

Hello, and welcome.

Mark1980 wrote:I don't know if I should see a psychologist, I'd really like to understand.

I don't think it could hurt, that's for sure. You don't sound as if you want life to continue like this, and perhaps therapy could help you unpack your issues and find solutions to your life as it's been.