Intense orgasms while indulging fantasies

I was sexually abused by my mother and my aunt till the age of 16 and sex became so normalized to be to an extent I voluntarily offered myself to them to be abused by them. But I got out of that house and have completely removed both of them from my life. I have a career now and more importantly I am independent.

I have zero interests in relationships.I have periods of intense sexual cravings but I manage it with my masturbation. But here is the catch. I can't ejaculate or orgasm until I imagine the abuse once more. This one theme keep recurring in my fantasies. To be a little boy again and to experience it again but this time willingly. During my abuse, I would have intense sensations and orgasms when I penetrate them and the warm feeling of their vaginas still seared into my mind to this day. I can recollect every moments from the wet plop sounds to the hot flashes I would feel on my penis. The worst part was I remember enjoying sodomizing them more than vaginal penetration because I need to be constantly stimulated while inside them to continue but when I began penetrating them anally it was a different world altogether. I distinctly remember how it sucked my penis right in and how tight it felt compared to a vagina. I would go on for so long to the point of hurting myself and start over quickly because I could. I have to include some of these ###$ up stuff while jerking off to release my tension or else I will keep coming back to it like a hypnotized prey. Both of them also would perform fellatio on me to the point my member starts hurting and won't let me finish inside them. It came to a complete halt after I began ejaculating which spooked them I guess. Now I am riddled with porn addictions and a fantasy life which I can't share anywhere.

It's normal to associate abuse with more abuse. When people are used to the same thing all the time, they think it's normal, but let me tell you first off, this behavior's not normal whatsoever. What is it that you're looking to gain out of this post?

Fantasies are always a major part of my masturbation. Mostly from past experience growing up but also hookups in later life. I never felt victimized by male friends / female adults I had known growing up. No one forced me into anything. I think many people beat themselves up needlessly. It's Life. You can choose to learn and move on.

Not as often now, decades after the fact, but I to this day still indulge in masturbatory fantasies with/about my abuser. I ceased to be bothered by that long ago, it is what it is, I can accept that he was a bad person, and yet still fantasize. What goes on in my head doesn't mean I approve of him in the real world. It just is what it is, and I indulge the fantasy and get on with the rest of my day.