Help needed for high-risk activity

Hi.

I am a woman in my mid-20s and, for the past few years, have been addicted to sharing explicit photos of myself online. I thought I had anonymized the pics so I couldn't be tracked, but I was evidently wrong about that, and now my job is at risk.

I work in the field of opioid addiction prevention. The irony is I have a completely different kind of addiction, and I am struggling to control it. I grew up quite privileged and have been told my actions are late-stage rebellion, but I'm not sure about that.

Right now, I'm looking for advice. If there is a more appropriate board I should post on, I would appreciate if you could let me know. Thanks very much.

Late stage rebellion? In your middle 20s...

that's a new one to me.

Well first off, sorry about the job- is it really that much at risk? And... barring face or something unique like tattoos (a reason you'll never see me doing much of that, i simply don't have enough unmarked real-estate anymore) then... one body is as another....

In the distant past, I had issues with camming. Tattoos are a great way of making it just too identifying to contemplate. Not that's why I got the tattoos- and when the urges still hit me hard, I'd regret having them. And that's the thing- stuff like that can be such a brain-candy hit, can't it? I remember the thrill of that sort of thing, well.

Well, a good start might be Sexual Addicts Anonymous, or Sexaholics Anonymous.

Trying to make yourself do something else instead of the behavior in question helps... once you can make yourself do it. Not always easy. Sometimes if I'm tempted to act out sexually in whatever way, I know if I go ahead and masturbate and have an orgasm then I don't take it any further. But then I'm male, so your mileage may vary- I don't have two X chromosomes so I don't know how well that shuts the female libido down for a while...

Thank you so much, Snaga.

My job is at risk because my face is in many of my nude photos, and -- I was unaware of this -- there are now image search engines that can match my nude photos to professional photos of me. One explicit photo of me has already been sent to one of my colleagues by an online troll. My colleague was kind enough to alert me about it and delete it. I told him it was photoshopped and fake, and I think he bought it.

I've tried to remove all photos of me from the internet, but nothing on the internet never really disappears.

I have no tattoos, but I showed my face in the nude pics because that made the "brain candy hit" -- that's such a good way of describing the dopamine/oxytocin release -- so much more enjoyable.

It's the danger that excited me the most.

Masturbation, for me, doesn't kill the urge. I will check those organizations you mentioned. Again, thank you so much.

My pleasure- and I had my doubts about the masturbation suggestion. Indeed, with me it's not a permanent, or even consistent solution- just that if I can make myself do that and have an orgasm, it'll quell things temporarily.

I take it your work is high profile enough to where this could be a problem- and all the more thrilling to show your face, I suppose. For me, I suppose I'm lucky in that many of my sexual behaviours over the years have been restrained by fear. Without being the anxious person I am (fear of family embarrassment, fear of partners finding out) my life would have been considerably more abandoned than it has been, for sure. The only thing that separates me from the most sexually promiscuous has been fear of catching something and a general distrust of strangers... people who come here to these forums torn up over promiscuity don't think I really empathise because I haven't been promiscuous myself, but I'm like 'look if I wasn't neurotic to the point of delusion I'd be right there with you and this would be a competition....'

I'm sorry this has happened. I'm no therapist, but more than once I've suggested online acting out (albeit without seeing the face) of various kinds as a way to mitigate behavior that puts a person's health or life itself in jeopardy- when I see a title like this thread's title, after my years here I'm afraid my mind goes to things that are simply dreadful- not to minimise your predicament, but I won't deny I feel relief you're not in physical danger.

I know you're doing what you can about the damage already done here, if you find yourself struggling with the urges to the point of fearing you'll lose control, then perhaps trying to find some way of acting out that's not as potentially damaging to you, but enough to scratch the itch a little. I'm thinking some sort of mask or disguise. Or finding some other way to interact sexually online that isn't as personally risky. Or even seeing if you could stick to one (or a few) trusted people to do this with... people you trust to respect your privacy and not share your images.

I would say a lot of people turn to virtual worlds- while that does let someone immerse themselves into interactive sexual fantasy, I don't know that it would feed those dopamine receptors quite like what you've been doing. Especially for those of us with an exhibitionist streak- which only age has dulled in me.

I'm glad you'll see into those groups I mentioned- there may be others, but those are the two I know of and I think at least one of them offers virtual meetings. I can't remember if either or both of them also encourage folks to pair up as accountability partners. Something I've done once before with a Christian group, once, when I was feeling particularly angsty about my porn habits. I'm afraid I didn't stick with it. For the same reason I even mention other alternatives to showing your face in explicit imagery- mitigation... my correspondent was chiding me for still looking at porn but I had mentioned switching genres (I'm Bi and tend to Gay porn and that's what was causing me the distress at the time because I used to really struggle with my sexuality) when I was like well dang at least I'm looking at straight stuff!.... at least that's what was going on in my head. He didn't appreciate shades of grey. Sometimes that's the best we can hope for, at least in the short term.

Yes, if someone's engaging in something that could really bite them back, yeah it needs to stop. You need to not post images of yourself online showing your face and potentially ditching your job, if you have the kind of vocation that could be hurt by this more than just earning you an unkind nickname behind your back (if you've ever worked in a plant, you know what I mean)... but knowing you have to stop, and being able to, are two completely different things. Best cure I know of is to have a bad anxiety disorder and just be terrified of your own shadow. That would be me, and I don't recommend it.

So for me it goes back to 'what can I do that causes me the least amount of risk (and in my case, anxiety over it, justified or not), but feeds my monster enough to keep it off my back so I'm not itching to act out in even worse ways and thinking about it 24/7?' I have to compromise with myself. Sometimes I find myself doing things that are, in the words of CS Lewis, a bit 'shabby', but if the choice is between that and letting things bottle up until I do something really stupid that I know I'm going to unbearably regret, well, it is what it is. The lesser of two evils may still be evil, but if it keeps the monkey off my back....

I'm speaking from a purely secular outlook. If you're religious, don't stop praying.

If you think you need to see someone over this, maybe a therapist wouldn't be a bad idea. Maybe they could help you discover there's a potential reason behind the behavior. Not that there has to be- sometimes I think some of us just want to have fun. But still, if I've learned anything here is that we sure can be affected long down the road from things that happened in our lives earlier.
Let us know how you're doing from time to time, or if you need to vent, or if you just need to talk about it more.

Wow.. Thanks for posting this! I didn't realize how many other people are dealing with the same issue. I'm a 29 year old male and I too have been made aware that my nude images and videos have been circulating certain adult sites. My face and full bare body exposed in almost every one of them. This always created a very nerve racking sense of arousal because I figured people would have to know who I am to find or recognize me. And now I've recently discovered search engines that if you post a casual social media or professional pic of me, it will show you all sites where I'm on display in some very scandalous positions and taking part in some explicit activity. I hope everything works out for you! Thanks for sharing, and wow this all just got a whole lot scarier now...