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Guilt over porn

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Guilt over porn

Postby Throwaway456 » Fri Sep 24, 2021 12:07 pm

oh boy, this is gonna be a long one.

Basically, I’ve always been pretty sexually active in terms of masturbation. Like, it’d be 7-8 times a day sometimes. I also started getting heavily into porn, during that age. Im female, just turned 19, and I never really saw a problem. Basically, I’d always been into anime & manga, Hentai yk the drill, ever since I was 11, 12? And pretty much masturbated to Hentai. However, something happened a few months back that freaked me out. I masturbated to this story about these children having sex. I couldn’t get off to it. I actually saw a similar post about this on here, but not entirely, because they said they were disgusted and I just...wasn’t. It aroused me, and I tried to orgasm to it. I didn’t even think anything of it, which is also what scares me. I’d never go near it again, because the realisation of it being actual children made me feel sick.
But then here’s where it gets worse. In terms of anime and manga Hentai, I’d always gotten off to the porn content. There was these two characters who were 35 and 15, and when I was 14 I used to heavily masturbate to comics and fanart of them having sex- but here’s the thing, I still kept doing it into me being 18. It was never about the age, I always tried to ignore the age, especially since he didn’t look 15. If I actually thought about him being 15 it’d just kinda creep me out, so I ignored it. But this happened a lot with anime/manga characters. Like regardless of the age I’d still masturbate to the porn aspect, not the age aspect. And I just thought it didn’t matter, because yk, it’s fictional. And up until now I’d still been masturbating to it, but I just didn’t think of the age. But, again, it just gets worse. I saw this really ###$ up hentai, basically this man raping these children. But because it had all the aspects that I was into personally, I enjoyed it and saved it and everything. Like, it wasn’t because it was a child. If this had happened irl I would’ve been sick. I don’t know. But then there was another Hentai, where these nursery children like ate this snack and turned into the bodies of adults. I’d always had this kink of like, someone having sex for the first time, etc etc. I just want to reiterate that if they were still NURSERY CHILDREN I would’ve never, ever clicked on it. But what bothers me is that, I’d still be able to get off to it. Like just the fact it was sex, and stuff I was into, and it got me off so quickly. And I still want to read those manga of those two characters just because of the characters. I’m scared im a pedophile. I’d never, ever want to see anything like that irl. Ever. I don’t look at children and think they’re attractive. I really don’t. I just don’t know what to do. The guilt is eating me alive. Like if people knew what I’ve done, they’d definitely label me a pedophile. I’ve spoken to a few specialists, and they’ve all said I’m not- but I just cant. I spoke to my boyfriend about it and he just said we all do stupid stuff; but still. I don’t really know if anyone can give me any advice but, I guess I just needed to vent.
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Re: Guilt over porn

Postby Snaga » Fri Sep 24, 2021 4:34 pm

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

Well, in these forums are also young women who have also been into things like Yaoi and even a little into Shota, so.. you're not alone in this.

Throwaway456 wrote: Like if people knew what I’ve done, they’d definitely label me a pedophile.


So you feel. But I don't.

Throwaway456 wrote:I’ve spoken to a few specialists, and they’ve all said I’m not


I agree!

Throwaway456 wrote: And I just thought it didn’t matter, because yk, it’s fictional.


Throwaway456 wrote: If this had happened irl I would’ve been sick.


Exactly!

To a certain extent, kink is harmless. A lot of us are drawn to the Taboo, without actually having a paraphilia. I can feel a draw to the content you wrote about, without for one moment thinking that is acceptable behaviour in the real world. And there is a huge difference between what you describe, and actual child porn- remembering, however, that in many places mere cartoon drawings are on shaky legal ground. To me, anime/manga/the various -cons are sort of in a fantasy-land. To my mind, that's far less disturbing, than if someone depicted more true-to-life adults and minors together.

I prefer not to look at anime/hentai/manga obviously adult/underage, for the simple fact that I'm not sure of the legality, and also because I just prefer not to- I won't say I get all scared I'm a pedophile, but I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder as well as other anxiety disorders- and well, I just prefer not to poke that bear. I don't have a paraphilia for younguns, and I prefer to keep it that way.

Having said that, from a purely intellectual standpoint, there is a difference between fantasy and having a paraphilia. As a race, we idolise Youth. I'm sure that's wired into us- fertility equaling survival of the species. It doesn't mean we don't know what's socially acceptable, and what's socially heinous. And my overriding concern is what Libertarians call the Non Aggression Principle: is anyone harmed? None of this is real child pornography- as you said, it's fiction. No one was harmed; and in the real world, you understand and agree that it's wrong. Fantasy is not Reality; Reality is not Fantasy; and you have no wish to cross over into Reality- indeed, you find it repugnant. As do I.

This is only as big a deal, as you make it, in my opinion. If it bothers you this much, then try to stay away from it- but considering you don't have a real-world desire for being sexual with minors, then I'd suggest not beating yourself up too much over this. Trust the professionals you've spoken with, I think they know what they're talking about.
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Re: Guilt over porn

Postby Snaga » Fri Sep 24, 2021 4:44 pm

Also I'd like to point out that at 19, you're barely an adult, yourself. I'm a lot older, and you're still a kid, trust me. It's unreasonable to think there is a switch that flips immediately the moment you turn 18, that makes things that formerly you never thought twice about, suddenly monstrous. I have boy bits. It wasn't until I was well up into my forties that I suddenly realised.. at what point do I pass from being a red-blooded American male, into a dirty old man? It's a continuum, and you'll find what piques your sexual interest sliding, to an extent, with you as you age. A 15 year old may be technically off limits to a 19 year old- but it's unrealistic and unreasonable to think that the 15 year old suddenly became repulsive to the 19 year old, or that it 'felt' any more wrong, than if it were a 15 year old and a 16 year old together. The 19 year old should know better- but it doesn't mean they're blind, or they should be expected to have the mindset of an old fart like me.
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Re: Guilt over porn

Postby Throwaway456 » Fri Sep 24, 2021 5:07 pm

Thank you so much! The problem is in my country, the underage of anime characters is illegal- I honestly didn’t know this though, and I certainly didn’t look at the comics because it was a 15 year old having sex, it was just because of the characters themselves, yknow? But what concerns me the most is the real recollection the woman had about having sex when she was a child. I feel extremely guilty. I just feel extremely helpless about the whole thing.
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