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POCD and real event, some other stuff

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POCD and real event, some other stuff

Postby personaperson » Fri Jul 09, 2021 6:45 pm

I'm new on this forum, and decided to join because well, I have issues. I'd love to talk to my shrink
about this, but with fear of being reported and stuff like that I feel like I'm limited.
I am 18 years old.
I'm just gonna be straight and to the point. I used to view underage anime characters, some furry, some incest, fanfics, etc. and fap to this when I was younger, and well. I hate myself for this. Even at points halfway through its like my inner guilt stopped me. But I kept going, and can't even remember 100% what I did and didn't do. Even to the point where I was halfway into my 18th year on this earth, someday I woke up and said: I can't keep living like this. This fanart is bad for my health. Then eventually I got really puritan and started rejecting everything that reminded me of this sexual borderline illegal fanart. Movies, shows, video games, music, books, this was like this for a while. I have been slowly exposing myself back into all this entertainment, but avoiding the fanart like the plague. Eventually I developed POCD, you get the drill. Intrusive sexual thoughts about younguns, and I hated it. Eventually through research on the internet I got over it to some degree, but what really scares me is the stuff I did back then I am not proud of. Its like I'm paranoid I'll never get to look back on my childhood without remembering the weird fanart I was into. There is more that bothers me in the past, but trying to take on all at a time really hurts. I also have false memories, wondering if I used to like people younger than me I hung out with that scares the s*** out of me. Obviously I have no attraction to anyone younger than I am, but my past scares me. A couple months ago when my POCD and intrusive thoughts got really bad, I even thought of cutting myself off from younger friends I had platonic relationships with, in fears of hurting them, when in reality I was harmless and my mind was playing tricks on me.
Fast forward fairly recently, I get this book on OCD and intrusive thoughts called: the imp of the mind by lee baer.
It is fairly good, but a trigger popped up for me. There is a chapter: How am I certain they're just thoughts? And a section that says: When bad thoughts are dangerous
And this part says: "if you have ever acted on violent or sexual thoughts or urges in the past-either while sober or under the influence of alcohol and drugs." He explains the past is a good predictor for the future, but I have no attraction to any of this weird stuff now. I even tested myself. There's essentially nothing.
To some degree, I was scared that this viewing of this bad stuff correlated with this warning message, and now I'm paranoid everyday. I swear on my life, I know I'm not a pervert. I was stupid when I was younger, and made my mistakes. But my mind tricks me into thinking I am, and this section really makes me think. I'd get more specific about more things, but I think it's good to take it slow for now.
I just want to be happy again, like I was when I got out of highschool and realized I had my whole life ahead of me. I don't want my life to be riddled with fears of being a pedophile or fears of stupid actions I did when I was younger. Is there anyway I can talk to my therapist without getting in trouble for these past actions, or is there anyway I can get his help without telling him specifically what I did?
Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.
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Re: POCD and real event, some other stuff

Postby Snaga » Sat Jul 10, 2021 1:34 am

personaperson wrote:Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.


Let it go. Which isn't easy to do at first but you're going to have to let that go.

personaperson wrote: Is there anyway I can talk to my therapist without getting in trouble for these past actions, or is there anyway I can get his help without telling him specifically what I did?


Are they treating you for OCD? If so.. and especially if they specialise in OCD, I doubt there's a whole lot they haven't heard from their patients. Would they report? I wouldn't, but I'm not them. We're talking about anime, not flesh-and-blood.

And while we're on the subject of the characters being underage...

personaperson wrote:I am 18 years old.
I'm just gonna be straight and to the point. I used to view underage anime characters, some furry, some incest, fanfics, etc. and fap to this when I was younger, and well. I hate myself for this. Even at points halfway through its like my inner guilt stopped me. But I kept going, and can't even remember 100% what I did and didn't do. Even to the point where I was halfway into my 18th year on this earth


An underage person looked at underage characters. I don't consider that to be a moral failing. And while legally you're an adult (sort of) in many places when you're 18 it's still eight 'teen'...

OCD we take something that Normies would consider fairly insignificant, and turn it into much, much more than it is. If something is legally fuzzy I tend to stay away from it on general principles. I take it you avoid that stuff now. So it's over. You have no attractions to children, it was fanart, please try and stop obsessing over it- it doesn't define you, you did nothing to anyone.
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Re: POCD and real event, some other stuff

Postby personaperson » Sun Jul 11, 2021 11:44 pm

This is a beautiful reply. Its an honest reminder that's been helping me lift some of the weights from my shoulders. My therapist is not necessarily helping me with OCD, (a little but on other subjects) but we are focusing on anxiety, and some weight management. I'd love to confess my wrongdoings and the regret I have, but I don't know if the guy would understand. There may be a possibility, but I wouldn't be sure on how to really tell him. I've been trying my best to let it go, and there have been moments of clarity. But the feeling of guilt sometimes comes back, sometimes stronger. Its like I say to myself: why do I have a good life right now and have good people surrounding me? Didn't I do immoral things in my past? Why do I deserve this? Its like, a heavy burden I carry. No one would really understand the POCD and these real events- it feels like most would label me as a pedophile if I told someone about this. When in reality, I am not...
And yes, I was underage and looked at underage characters. Sometimes I try to reason with my head and say: at least no one in real life sexted you when you were younger. That could've been worse. But I wish I strayed away from all this stuff sooner. I didn't even have that much of an attraction to a lot of taboo stuff when I got older, anyway. I don't know if this makes sense. But one more thing.
Considering the Imp of the Mind, the author tells the reader if he has acted on violent or sexual urges or compulsions in the past he should take his bad thoughts seriously. But its like- does this weird viewing of fanart count as acting on something? It was never with real people, but it is too vague. And even if so, minors do stupid things without weighing on their consequences, but end up just fine, so...
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Re: POCD and real event, some other stuff

Postby Snaga » Mon Jul 12, 2021 3:46 pm

personaperson wrote:minors do stupid things without weighing on their consequences, but end up just fine, so...


Darn right they do. You got a new sexual body with that fresh new hormone smell, and want to take it for a spin around the block. You're horny but don't have yet have a brain developed enough to put the brakes on some of the weirder/crazier/stupider actions. You still don't, as far as I'm concerned- and I think IIRC the brain doesn't really get as developed as it's going to get until sometime in a person's 20s.

personaperson wrote:does this weird viewing of fanart count as acting on something?


I'm not some anal government hypocrite that punishes people for things that did NOT violate the Non Aggression Principle, while my lizard brain political bosses go to Epstein Island and very much violate the NAP on sex slaves. So as far as I'm concerned, fanart porn doesn't count for a damned thing, because no one was aggressed at. Personally, I'd prefer not to look at such things, because I'm OCD enough to know I'd start worrying about myself. So.. I stay away. Even if all drawings of minors in sexual situations were completely legal (Shota, Loli, etc), I would stay away because no I don't want to start worrying about being a pedo. Even though I understand I'm defined by what I do with others, and not by drawings to fap to, I very much prefer to not go there.

In your case, this wasn't even Shota or Loli. It is fanart. Even when a person isn't looking for fanart porn, it's awfully easy to come across. No, I really don't think a whole lot about a person doing a little fappistry over Rule 34 fanart. For that matter, I wouldn't have judged you over Shota or Loli. I prefer not to look at such things, but I understand there can be a disconnect between mere fantasy, and having real-world desires. Fetishists who engage in consensual age-play (one partner acting childish) aren't born out in statistics to be any more a pedophile than a random person- it's fantasy. It's not real. And no real children are involved. Real pedos wouldn't care about age play because it wouldn't satisfy, I should think. It wouldn't 'scratch that itch'. Personally, I would prefer not to do anything like that, because I'm OCD enough I'd worry about me. So I stay away from anything that might trigger that. But I don't judge anyone else.

Have I 'bad touched' little kids? Nope! Do I sit and pine for little kids and lust for them? Nope! Do I collect CP involving real, live victims of child sexual abuse and fap to it all the time because I just want a cutie for myself so bad but meanies who don't understand won't let me? Nope!

Then I'm good with myself because I don't have pedophilia. If you can answer those questions the same, then you need to be good with yourself, too- congratulations! You pass the 'I'm not a pedophile' test. OCD can scream all it wants, it doesn't matter. A kid looked at fanart with other kids- if lusting after OTHER minors, when you're a minor yourself, is morally reprehensible, or a crime, then we all need to be arrested. And please explain to me what we're supposed to have lusted after- the real pedophiles who lusted after us? I don't think so. In forum, I get the impression that people hit really bad with the POCD bug have this impression that they were supposed to exclusively desire older people and adults. Well... if the adults had reciprocated.. whose the perv? Not you. I've been a victim. I wasn't the perv when my pederast had his hand down my pants. He was.


Our actions and desires involving real, live human beings- not drawings, not written fantasy- but a real, live person. is what defines us. Because we're Human, and Humans will think all sorts of things, there has to be some standard by which we judge ourselves. And that's my standard for sexual proclivities. What a person really does, and really desires, in the real world.
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Re: POCD and real event, some other stuff

Postby personaperson » Fri Jul 16, 2021 11:48 pm

First of all, I just wanna say I'm sorry that ever happened to you, and I respect you for being brave and telling me this.
I cannot say yet what exactly all this fanart was, but I definitely bumped into some controversial stuff. And I passed the 'I'm not a pedophile test'. But the OCD is definitely still there. This has been good reassurance, and good reasoning but I constantly wonder how if I may someday-confess to loved ones and/or my therapist what I did. Or if I may at all. Its a very scary secret. I even wonder how I'd explain to someone. Its like I want to confess my regrets, but don't know how. I walk around and I'm afraid people can tell what I'm guilty about just by looking at me. I even grow paranoid some of that was archived on my devices. I checked, nothing is there. But I still feel guilt, and fear abandoning these useful pieces of equipment over stupid decisions I didn't fully understand when I was a kid. I deleted everything from the past when I realized how morally wrong it all was. At first, any internet activity it was keeping secrets from parents. And now, its just keeping secrets from everyone. Well, then again over time my tastes in fanart changed and as I grew older I strayed away from more and more taboo stuff. All the proof of anything weird is just in my memory, and links to OCD posts that talk about this as well and self help articles. Is there anyway I can forget or triumph this? Or like you said-letting go. What is your advice for it? Is there also a fellow fighter or survivor of this type of real event ocd who could also give me advice? I don't know why this OCD still exists. I definitely gotta check in what my therapist reports as well, or somehow get his help without 100% telling the guy everything. But I don't know how.
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Re: POCD and real event, some other stuff

Postby Snaga » Sat Jul 17, 2021 1:52 pm

personaperson wrote: I constantly wonder how if I may someday-confess to loved ones and/or my therapist what I did.


I don't think you have anything to confess.

personaperson wrote: it was keeping secrets from parents. And now, its just keeping secrets from everyone.


We all have our secrets, and the list just grows with age.

personaperson wrote: Is there anyway I can forget or triumph this? Or like you said-letting go. What is your advice for it?


Do- or do not- there is no Try.

-Yoda

By doing it. It's like a muscle, you have to exercise it. You make yourself. I can't do it for you, no one can. I make myself disregard my intrusive harm thoughts. I make myself not beat myself up over regrets I have for things I've done (or not done), and just tell myself I'll do better, next time.

It gets easier with practice, but it's a skill you'll need for the rest of your life. Therapy would be a good idea- I just muddle around figuring stuff out on my own, which probably took a couple or three decades longer than if I had a person knowledgeable in OCD tell me these things. Drugs can take the edge off, and help your brain chemicals to be more 'normal'- but as far as I know, there's no cure in a pill that's going to undo this obsession you have. You have to retrain your mind.
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Re: POCD and real event, some other stuff

Postby Snaga » Sat Jul 17, 2021 2:37 pm

personaperson wrote:Is there also a fellow fighter or survivor of this type of real event ocd who could also give me advice?


Well I would direct your attention to the OCD forum and especially the How Are You Feeling? thread. You're not alone, no.
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Tell someone today that you love them; for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon; for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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