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How to overcome sex avoidance resulting from my partners sex

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How to overcome sex avoidance resulting from my partners sex

Postby Letty » Sun Jun 27, 2021 5:58 am

I am really struggling after discovering 6 years ago that my long term bf had been having multiple affairs, online dating, happy ending massages, pretending to be a sensual massage giver, swinging, meeting up with old girlfriends etc. etc. He was so nice to me. My husband of 20 years was so horrible to me.
Stupidly I remained with him because I was so ashamed. I didn’t want anyone to know as I had told everyone for years that he was amazing. He told me not to tell anyone. No one knows even now.
The problem is in the following years he was still having happy ending massages and meeting up with women for coffee. He was always looking at massage sites and escort sites. He had trans women massage him. He would have a happy ending every 6-8 weeks that I know about.
Now I avoid having sex with him because I know I cannot compete with the excitement of his encounters. I avoid it because it triggers memories of him always being too tired for sex with me in the past. He just wanted to cuddle. He would fall asleep with his penis inside.
I feel disgusting, stupid and ashamed. I wish I could erase my memory.
Aside from sex we are very good friends and would make excellent roomies. He had a difficult childhood.
We have been living together for 4 years now and even 1 year ago I saw a text to a young escort about a massage, he said he was just wondering if she would reply… it was in lockdown due to COVID. He also has cancer, in complete remission currently but there was 2 years of chemotherapy and that was stressful. I have developed some anxiety too.
The thought of having sex makes me panic because it reminds me of the past, that it may be disappointing because he has trouble ejaculating except for fellatio and we always have sex the same way now. Sex makes me feel so sad now and I can’t talk to anyone about it. How do you forget and just move on.
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Re: How to overcome sex avoidance resulting from my partners sex

Postby tcb2470 » Thu Sep 09, 2021 1:51 pm

What you are experiencing is what my wife is experiencing. All I can tell you is that this is a disease. I dont want to tell you what your boyfriend to do - what I can tell you is what I have done. I attend SA and SAA meetings. I have a CSAT therapist - Certified Sex Addict Therapist. It took me a long long time to realize I can't do it alone. My marriage might be over in fact. I have harmed my wife soooo much. I blamed her for well pretty much everything. I have so much shame. It comes from my behavior but I am realizing that it comes from my dysfunctional alcoholic family as a youth. I am dealing with that as well.

Your reactions and feelings are completely legitimate. There are groups for the partners of sex addicts- S-anon. Those have really helped my wife. This is like alcoholism - you cant make boyfriend go to meetings and get help. All you can do is take care of yourself. You are not defined by your boyfriend. Regarding sex with your boyfriend... I can tell you that I did fantasize when having sex with my wife. I tried to get her to do some crazy stuff...and at times she went along. This all comes from the disease. I lost the ability to be intimate from the porn. The other factor in my personal relationship is I enjoyed the happy endings because I wasnt judged on my performance - as I had performance issues with my wife. Those performance issues came from my addiction.. always needing more to get me aroused and when I got there I would last 2 minutes..

I can recommend a book. "Help.Her.Heal". You will relate...and maybe your boyfriend will read it. I wish I read it early on in my disease. Net net - its very complicated.. believe it or not .. its not personal. Its a disease.
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