What on earth am I feeling after I relapse?

I have ask a lot of people about this and nobody seems to understand.

I am have been addicted to porn for 3 or so years since I was 14. Ever since I started I have been trying to stop because of moral reasons.

For the first year or so I remember getting these painful heartbreaking feelings after I relapsed, not of shame but as if I had just broke up with someone and gone through a painful separation or something. I remember describing this pain as a chainsaw to the heart.

These "episodes" varied in intensity and could occur one day or right after i relapsed, lasting from a day to a week.

I hated this feeling so much until 10th of July 2019, when I experienced the most intense "episode" I ever have to this day. I remember rolling in bed in tears. MY heart felt like it was going to implode. After it was nearly over I thought to myself, "you know what. I actually enjoy this."

Ever since I have looked forward to this thrilling episodes and wished for them to be as intense as possible. It was so dramatic and thrilling, like an awesome movie.

So I asked my therapist and accountability partner about it and I even looked it up but I got no answers. So I opened up a new google document and "founded" a new field of science. If nobody knew what it was I was going to figure it out. I theorized the feeling was a Periodical Increase of Oxycontin so I named the "episodes" PIOs and the science Piology, where I ran experiments on myself to figure out what it was: *mod edit*

I would like any scientific material on this phenomenon.
Or answers as to why nobody else seems to have it.
Or why I enjoy it.
Or why I miss it so much after the feeling has stopped occurring for the last month or so.