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Teenager with a lot of issues looking for help *TW*

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Teenager with a lot of issues looking for help *TW*

Postby Anonpaper370 » Mon Jun 08, 2020 7:04 pm

***Trigger Warning***

Hi I’m new here. I’m 17 m and have been struggling with sexuality my whole life. I have sexual thoughts that scare me, and I’m severely addicted to porn and masturbation. I’ve never been in a relationship and some of thoughts I’ve have make me feel like no one could ever love me. I’ve been on a few other sites like this I’ve even emailed a National helpline I guess this is the only way I can possibly get some of this weight off my chest since no one in my life knows what I’ve been going through. Anyways here it is. Maybe some of you can relate to my experiences. I went to a single gender school for most of my life and never had an adult to talk to about sex. I’m not trying to make excuses, but I think this contributed to some of my issues. I was pretty curious about sex as a kid. I don’t know where these thoughts came from, but I used to fantasize about bondage and S&M type stuff when I was like 10 or 11. I had fantasies about cutting myself and tying up my imaginary girlfriend. I had some fantasies about being a girl and would try on some of my mom’s clothes. I didn’t know what these thoughts meant or exes that they were sexual at the time, all I knew was that I enjoyed getting lost in them and that they weren’t things I wanted to do in real life. I can remember touching my sexually from a very young age, but I really learned to masturbate when I was 12. This was around the same time when I accidentally came across soft core bondage porn on YouTube. Again, I didn’t really know it was sexual but I enjoyed watching it. I started seeking out more of this porn on YouTube and instagram. I started masturbating to it. I can remember having some days where I was completely lost in sexual thoughts. Anyways as the years went on my fantasies and porn started becoming more extreme and taboo. I started watching more violent bondage, simulated rape, kidnapping, snuff, hentai, gay and transsexual porn even though I’m straight, I fantasized about being the woman in the porn videos, I fantasied about being sexually abused by women and sometimes even men. Thinking about all this makes me sick, but recent I think I really crossed a line. I also used to always wonder why the porn i found never had anyone my age in it. I issued to try to find stuff like this to masturbate to. I never went on the dark web and watched anything really illegal, but I did a lot of google searches. For example when I was 14 I looked up stuff like “sexy 14 year old girl”. I found instagram pages that were nothing but kids in swimwear. I made a lot of excuses like, “ well it’s ok because I’m underage too and it doesn’t look like they were hurt or abused when the pictures were taken.” But I recently read an article that said that pictures like this might have been used to show off kids for sex trafficking. I felt sick after I read this and haven’t looked at pictures like this since. Maybe some of you can educate me a bit. I’ve been living in constant fear that I might have hurt someone or did something illegal and that the cops are after me. I’m not a pedophile. I’ve never hurt anyone in real life, but I still feel like a monster, like I’m living a double life. I’ve know that my porn habit has been an issue for a long time. I’ve been trying to quit for the past year. But this has to be the last straw. I’m sick. I need help. My plan is to keep trying to quit normal porn, absolutely quit looking at these questionably legal images. And find a therapist when I turn 18. Sorry this post was so long and complicated, but so is my life. Please let me know if you can relate to me of have any advice.
Last edited by Snaga on Wed Jun 10, 2020 3:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: trigger warnings added
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Re: Teenager with a lot of issues looking for help *TW*

Postby Snaga » Wed Jun 10, 2020 3:31 pm

Hello, and welcome!

I think we can find ourselves in some pretty strange headspaces, especially when we first start maturing into sexual beings. I think a lot of folks could admit (if they would) to some pretty out-there fantasies.

And fantasy it is, for most of us.

As far as looking for sexual depictions of OTHER kids.... 'other', is the important word, here. I'm not sure when it was decided, that kids aren't supposed to be interested in seeing their peers naked, but that is not an argument for being a pedophile, hebephile, or any other-phile. You're also a teenager; you're not 50 years old. While looking up illegal content is... a definite no-no, I don't see how any rational person could fault a teenager, for wanting a peek at other teenagers. I really don't.

That's a good point about those photos, however. But truth is, to pedophiles, I mean the most innocent photos taken in good faith, can become grist for the mill- you have no control over what others are doing with otherwise innocuous photos you're looking at. Assuming they're innocuous.. but again, someone please explain how a teenager is supposed to NOT be attracted to their peers, if they should find sexy poses of them? Even though if you were my age (way older) you'd be clucking your tongue at them.

I think you're being a little harsh on yourself, but in general, porn habits can become filthy, controlling monsters, and I think you'd be a happier person if you got some help in navigating coming of age, yes.
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