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Trying to understand a bad act I did at 16 (hypersexuality,

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Trying to understand a bad act I did at 16 (hypersexuality,

Postby guest923 » Sat May 09, 2020 1:11 pm

I'm a guy, diagnosed Cptsd, with a porn addiction that I developed in my early teens. I experienced emotional abuse, neglect, some covert sexual abuse in my childhood. I'm saying that because I think it could've been a part of what caused me to lack the judgement and make a very bad mistake in my teens.

When I was 16 my mom's partner's 10 y.o. daughter was at our house and wanted to use our computer. I was in the same room doing something else. She sat by the computer but had not pushed the power button beneath the table on the cables. I volunteered in doing so, and when I crouched below the table, I had the impulse to peek at her underwear (she wore a skirt). Either I choosed not to, or failed to see them, but I stopped and realised I had just done something atrocious. I immediately wanted to know if I had scared/hurt her and back out to see her reaction. That was when she moved her legs a little as if she was uncomfortable, so I realise it's entirely possible I did scare/traumatize her.

Let me say that I have no attraction to children, which is why my action that day causes more confusion.

I'm almost always thinking about this and sometimes the shame and self-hatred drives me to seriously consider suicide. I can see it is a bad choice and would probably only further hurt people. Maybe I should try to understand my action like an outside observer and how some of my experiences and develeopmental issues might have encouraged it, besides the free will I had of course, which I'm absolutely not denying.

1. Could this action/lack of judgement have been encouraged/caused by my trauma?
2. How rare is showing some sexual curiosity at that age towards prepubescent children, despite not ordinarily being attracted to them, be? (both in healthy 16 y.o. and 16 y.o. with C-ptsd and porn addiction/potential hypersexuality)
3. What kind of reactions or trauma could I potentially have caused for this person?
4. How do you live with yourself knowing you've been abusive?
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Re: Trying to understand a bad act I did at 16 (hypersexuality,

Postby avatar123 » Sun May 10, 2020 2:59 am

Although it's not something you should have done, it's the kind of thing that teenagers do out of curiosity, as well as general lack of judgement. Given that you understand it was wrong, I don't think it was that significant. I doubt you did any harm to her at all, beyond invading her privacy. I would consider it a lesson learned nd put it behind you.
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Re: Trying to understand a bad act I did at 16 (hypersexuality,

Postby anamaria1623 » Fri Jul 10, 2020 1:24 am

**Trigger Warning**
I can kind of understand were you are coming from with the things happening to you and that possible be an action of it. I am sure you have learned your lesson and it seems you truly know that you are not like that at all.
But when I was little my sisters and one female cousin got touched by uncle and it screwed me up. I knew what was happening was wrong and I felt ugly and disgusting for not being good enough for him. In middle school I get into the online dating site and talked to a lot of old guys. I even almost ran away with one down south to be his. I got blocked off the site the day we were suppose to meet.
I have grown more and have worked through the self-esteem and wrong feelings of wanting something like that. I have a gf of 6 years and up until 2 years ago. i cheated a lot with older men online. But i am workin through it. I do it here and there but not as often. maybe like a few days out of 4 months which trust me is alot of progress. and i also only talk to one older guy anytime and he understands my situation.

my situation is different but i can understand were the feelings come from and feelings for suicide. i have been there. i never once thought this could get better and there are some days were i still feel like that and i want to run away and never come back to not hurt her.
just keep working on you and realizing everyday how wrong it is but that you know it is wrong. becuase you do. you got this!
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