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Want to stop but dont want to stop

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Want to stop but dont want to stop

Postby naturaloak » Thu Nov 07, 2019 2:16 am

Hi, a little bit shy about speaking of this but have to I think.
I think I have a serious addiction, but the addiction is the only thing holding me up or rather holding everything up. I have been introduced to sex since a young age constantly, gaining a lot of experience. Sex has controlled my life and controls me all the same. For the longest time it is all my life is about, wrong abusive sex (toward me), unsafe sex and no care about it. Still never ended with the sexual abuse when had a string of therapists that learn about it and keep it going. For 4 years the last therapist has been grooming and sexually abusing me. It has got to the point where I want her to come round for sexual activity but I also know how wrong that is and the reasons behind it.

My relationships revolve around sex a lot of sex. This year so far I have slept with over 100 ladies, and had sex 4x that. Sex is also a part of self harm for me in multiple ways, because of how I feel its a constant want and also a need. The issues grew when my ex partner used sex a lot as a punishment and reward system and been worse since. I can not find a woman that can give me that level of sexual abuse again and I have tried with some top professionals that specialise in abuse. My ex was great at it when her psychopath side came out, stabbing me with a kitchen knife was like heavenly love id never had or felt before.

The thoughts just spark off randomly, and easily triggered. I want it to stop it ruins my life a lot of the time but on the other hand is also the only thing that is a life foundation for me. I have nothing left apart from it.
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Re: Want to stop but dont want to stop

Postby Nabaku » Mon Aug 03, 2020 4:23 pm

well, I guess that is what addiction is about. It feels like it is the only thing you really want and you start building your whole life around it, till it starts to ruin you. Addiction means your brain tricks you and it is a fight to get out of it and find new contents for your life.
Have the courage to seek for professional help. This is the first step of strenght.
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Re: Want to stop but dont want to stop

Postby billyyoung » Sat Aug 08, 2020 1:38 am

I was also abused at an an early age by an older female family member. It seemed to have led to my seeking that same kind of abuse from all the women I've known. I get an adrenaline rush from being physically abused & verbally humiliated. It is rare to find a woman that can provide what I need. I've had some "nice relationships, but not really sexually satisfying. :(
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Re: Want to stop but dont want to stop

Postby Snaga » Sat Aug 08, 2020 4:24 pm

I wasn't heavily sexually abused in a direct, bad touch sense (although there were bad touches, and I sometimes think I have repressed memories but how would I know since, 'repressed') but I experienced some grooming by a pederast as a young teen and I can related in wanting more of it. I'm old now and still think about older men, I still wish more had happened back then, than I remember, etc. I'm beginning to think that craving more of what was abuse, is more the norm, than the exception.
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Re: Want to stop but dont want to stop

Postby Sunnyg » Sun Aug 16, 2020 7:55 pm

Hi,
I can relate to this thread. I struggle with emotional intimacy due to my issue (it's a long story. I wrote a book about it. Basically I had an orgasmic labor and an erroneous exam left me wanting more. The touch of the physician became too much for me to hold in isolation. I needed more, but I didn't have access to love. I couldn't sleep, got sick, lost my mental health... I still struggle). About 90% of the time I'm okay. I've recovered my sanity, but I find it really triggering and/or destabilizing to try to build new relationships, and I want companionship in my life. I miss being married (my ex husband was too hurt that I found the physician attractive, and refused to love me through my trauma, so I divorced ... its a long story with coercion and having my computer and phone hacked, all while my ex was the head of information security *mod edit*, then they got hacked for real. Anyway, I put in a foia request. I hope somewhere there are answers about what happened in 2011 and all the way back to 2005 with the wrong number calls. I think our reality has some serious issues.

While sex can at times be fun, I find my mind retreats and I struggle to authentically stay in relationships. It is really sad for me to struggle like I do 15.5 years later. I want to heal. Anyway, my therapist is using IFS, think of the pixar movie inside out. The movie is based on internal family systems and the idea that I need to stay in charge as myself and push through not letting my broken desire take over, and realize that I'll never have the physician in real life. He made that very clear with two letters from his lawyer in 2008 and 2012.

I'm trying to imagine staying in self while dealing with the instinctual reaction of pulling back when emotional intimacy is possible. I feel sad about my issue. Part of me is afraid to make plans and keep living my life to build the world I want for my future. With the glitches on my phone, and the man I'm seeing had a power outage in his bedroom after we were last intimate. It sorta spooked me a bit. He had the electrician out who said it was a blown fuse. I worry that what if I'm not crazy and these signs mean something... I just want to heal. I'm going to keep trying, but it isn't without some trepidation. But, I need physical connection in my life. I can't stay in isolation, I need love. And I want physical intimacy in my future relationship with a man... I want a relationship to hold my love. My partner will be one lucky man. I just need him to be patient and kind.
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Aug 16, 2020 8:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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