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Want to stop but dont want to stop

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Want to stop but dont want to stop

Postby naturaloak » Thu Nov 07, 2019 2:16 am

Hi, a little bit shy about speaking of this but have to I think.
I think I have a serious addiction, but the addiction is the only thing holding me up or rather holding everything up. I have been introduced to sex since a young age constantly, gaining a lot of experience. Sex has controlled my life and controls me all the same. For the longest time it is all my life is about, wrong abusive sex (toward me), unsafe sex and no care about it. Still never ended with the sexual abuse when had a string of therapists that learn about it and keep it going. For 4 years the last therapist has been grooming and sexually abusing me. It has got to the point where I want her to come round for sexual activity but I also know how wrong that is and the reasons behind it.

My relationships revolve around sex a lot of sex. This year so far I have slept with over 100 ladies, and had sex 4x that. Sex is also a part of self harm for me in multiple ways, because of how I feel its a constant want and also a need. The issues grew when my ex partner used sex a lot as a punishment and reward system and been worse since. I can not find a woman that can give me that level of sexual abuse again and I have tried with some top professionals that specialise in abuse. My ex was great at it when her psychopath side came out, stabbing me with a kitchen knife was like heavenly love id never had or felt before.

The thoughts just spark off randomly, and easily triggered. I want it to stop it ruins my life a lot of the time but on the other hand is also the only thing that is a life foundation for me. I have nothing left apart from it.
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