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I wonder if my partner has recovered

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I wonder if my partner has recovered

Postby reflex17 » Wed Apr 24, 2019 3:11 am

Hi everyone. I’m the partner of a “recovered” sex addict hoping to get a better understanding of the condition from someone else who’s experienced it.

Here’s the story: my partner describes himself as having an addictive personality. Throughout his life, it’s manifested in a few ways, one of which is sex. He was struggling with sex addiction and going to SAA meetings when I started dating him a few years ago. When he divulged this to me later in our relationship, he said he fell so head over heels in love with me that his desire to have lots of sex with multiple partners stopped instantly.

As I’ve gotten to know him over the course of our relationship, I’ve noticed he does throw himself into other “addictions” - hobbies, for example. So I think I understand what he says about his addictive tendencies “transferring” to other things. But meanwhile, we rarely have sex. I’m talking about a madly-in-love couple in their late twenties, both perfectly healthy, having sex less than once a month.

He takes anti-depressants that apparently lower libido. But I can’t help but wonder whether essentially going from 100 to zero - from multiple sexual partners to one and infrequent sex - is normal. Part of me is paranoid that he’s not being totally honest, or that he is still addicted and cheating.

Has anyone here experienced similar, or do you believe recovery isn’t so sudden?
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Re: I wonder if my partner has recovered

Postby QuantumPhysic » Sun Apr 28, 2019 10:04 pm

Anti-depressants definitely impact negatively the libido so your Partner might very well be very truthful to you. Love is based on mutual trust so you should not worry about whether he is telling you the Truth..
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Re: I wonder if my partner has recovered

Postby Snaga » Mon Apr 29, 2019 5:14 pm

I've also heard that about anti-depressants, in some folks, they seem to really dial down the desire for sex.

I suppose you could look at the bright side- they're less likely to lapse, yes? Although this isn't exactly the way you wanted them to stay on the straight and narrow.

Maybe he can talk with his doctor about trying other medications that might have less of an effect on sex.
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Re: I wonder if my partner has recovered

Postby reflex17 » Thu May 02, 2019 2:59 pm

Thank you, both. I really appreciate your thoughts! Changing his medication isn't the most ideal solution in the world but something we are considering.
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Re: I wonder if my partner has recovered

Postby Bauer » Mon May 06, 2019 1:13 pm

Hi. I have been watching posts for a while but just officially joined. The meds can cause the problems you describe. I also wanted you to know that a change in sexual interest is the first sign of my husband’s relapse (he has a significant pornography problem). We have been through this a couple of times. I hope that isn’t what is going on in your life, but it’s definitely a possibility that you should at least consider.
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Re: I wonder if my partner has recovered

Postby reflex17 » Wed May 08, 2019 7:53 pm

Bauer wrote:Hi. I have been watching posts for a while but just officially joined. The meds can cause the problems you describe. I also wanted you to know that a change in sexual interest is the first sign of my husband’s relapse (he has a significant pornography problem). We have been through this a couple of times. I hope that isn’t what is going on in your life, but it’s definitely a possibility that you should at least consider.


Thank you for sharing that, Bauer. Sorry to hear you've been through it. How did you find out that your husband had relapsed? I want my partner to know he can open up no matter what but don't know how to say that without sounding like I'm accusing him of something. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's a possibility I can't quite shake.

For a bit more context - my partner doesn't seem bothered by his change in sexual interest (or the fact he usually can't finish - again, I think because of the meds). Maybe it's wrong of me to project on him how I would feel about it, but I would expect that experience to be frustrating. I guess I struggle to understand how someone can switch off sex completely, after it was such a big part of their life, with little help (he didn't complete SAA) or without feeling any frustration. Although I suppose the meds could stop him feeling frustrated, too?
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Re: I wonder if my partner has recovered

Postby Bauer » Fri May 10, 2019 8:46 pm

It took a while for me to understand the signs. Often it started as an inability for him to stay erect or finish. That leads to less intimacy. Ultimately I will look at his phone or tablet (which links history to his phone) and find the proof. It’s hard because for many years he let me believe that it was me and my fault he couldn’t finish or be interested (before I knew bout the porn problem). I did everything I could to try to be sexy or attractive but none of it matters. He would say it’s not me, but all I have ever heard is about mens’ “needs” and I truly believed he was not cheating (with a live person anyway) simply because of how our schedules worked. It’s incredibly painful. I hope my observations of my own relationship isn’t indicative of anything in yours, but wanted you to consider the options.
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