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Lust has taken over my life

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Lust has taken over my life

Postby protokute » Mon Feb 04, 2019 7:00 pm

I'm coming here to talk about this cause I didn't know where else to talk about.

So let me introduce myself, I'm a 21 year old man from Brazil, currently studying Biology at university. Since puberty i have fantasized with men, but for a long time I took it only for a fantasy, only embracing my gay sexuality when I first started university and tried a relationship with a girl which didn't work out sexually, but now she's a great friend for me and someone I really love and care, but we're not sexual partners.
At the time, I fell tremendously in love for a male friend from my class at university, he matched all my expectations and physical traits that turn me on, but after i admitted my love to him, he said he cares for me only as a friend and he's not gay. The thing is that I did what most people tell us not to do, I insisted on this love, I thought he was too in love with me, but was insecure about his sexuality, and I wrongly insisted for 3 years, which caused me a lot of pain, frustration, confusion, lack of self esteem. In this time, he got a girlfriend, and I'm still single and in pain. Even after his love rejection, I still called him to hang out with me, I was blindly and madly in love for him, he turned me on in a way I never thought someone could. It was a very confusing relationship with him, although he said he was not gay, sometimes his dick was hard when we were together and he let me sometimes hug him, massage him. After so much pain and confusion from this relationship, I decided to cut relations with him, as it was causing much pain for me and even if he is gay we were just incompatible in a lot of ways, and I think sometimes he knowing my feelings for him he manipulated me to do stuff for him and now I think it's just not worth it, I've tried doing this some times before, but it never really worked and I again fell for him like a little dog everytime. Now I made my decision for good, although it's been hard, I'm not talking to him for a long time now that I'm on the university break, but soon I'll be seeing him again, I think that what difficulted the whole thing was that I had to see him every day at uni.
So.....After reading a lot because of my confusion and trying to understand both my behavior and his like why it was so hard for me to deal with a simple love rejection (I might add that this was the first time I fell in love with someone, and was never in a relationship with someone before) I'm feeling that maybe I might have a sex or love addiction. I fantasize a lot, and masturbate a lot too, I have a hard time having a normal sexual relationship because it's very hard for me to wanna have sex with someone if he doesn't match my fantasies and fetishes, but as soon I see a stranger who match this requirements I go crazy, like really crazy, when I feel atracted to a random stranger, I start having the illusion (or not?) that the person is too crazy about me, even though when I talk to my friends about it, they just say I'm crazy and it's nothing like that, but for me it feels very real. I never have the courage to act on this desire and talk to the stranger, but it surely messes me up for a long time.

I'm sorry if my explanation of the whole thing reads a little messy, but I tried my best to summarize my feelings and anxieties on english. I just wanna have a normal sex life, and not think too much about sex, as it seems it has taken over my life, and it have messed with my other interests and responsibilities. This has taken too much space and time in my life, and I really wanna get over this. I will appreciate the effort on understanding my problem and will answer any doubts that you my have about my problem.
protokute
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