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Story of me and my sister

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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Story of me and my sister

Postby Little angel » Thu Jul 12, 2012 9:40 pm

I wanted to share my story, which also includes my sister. I want to share it with someone, I am so confused about it still. I have written some details because they are important to understand what really happened. Also feedback is appreciated, maybe it can help me understand

In 2005 my mum came to me and told me that my older sister has been abused by our dad. When she told me it was like getting knives through my stomach.
Not just because it hurts knowing what happened to her, but also because my safety net went away. I had wondered many times if something similar has happened to me. My dad has done stuff he shouldn't do around his kids (like buying porn movies etc).
But anyway, for several months after my mum told me I went through a roller coaster of feelings; guilt because I couldn't help my older sister, how much I care about her, anger and disappointment towards our dad, grief (it almost felt like my dad had died), and wanting to help her. The feeling that I wanted to help her and how much I love her were the strongest. I knew she didn't want to talk about it, and there were no way to turn back time to save her before it happened.
(Fyi, she is 8 years older than me, and it started when she was like 14 up until she was 18. So I was 6 when it started for her).
This knowledge about what happened to her started the process for me. I have always felt like something wasn't like it should be at my dad's place. But I felt like I was paranoid, or dumb because my older sister and my dad went around looking all happy even if I felt it wasn't true. And I had always felt guilty about thinking like that about my dad.

When I found out about her, I started to think about everything from my childhood.
I have memories that I started to see in a new light. One time I was lying on my dad's tummy watching tv (he had a big, soft tummy that I liked to use as a pillow). He put his hand down his pants and I thought he was scratching himself. I must have been like 8-10 yo then. He kept doing it, and I wanted him to stop. Afterwards he had a wet spot on his pants, and I remember laughing cos I thought he had peed his pants. He just grinned when I laughed.. It took me many years to understand what really happened.. Because I always thought he had pied his pants.. Then I had this realization that omg, it wasn't pee at all.

Then there is that memory I hate the most, cos I have the least control over it. I was 14-15 then. I used to sleep in my dad's bed, and I was asleep there then and slept nude. Suddenly I woke up to him standing by the end of the bed. It felt like my legs were in a weird angle, like I wouldn't have placed them like that myself. I don't really know what he was doing, but I had this weird feeling between my legs (sorry for the details, but it is important for me). But It is like I have suppressed what the feeling was, but I can remember that it was a little sore, and pressing feeling. When he saw I woke up he started doing something else, but the moment I opened my eyes I am sure he had been leaning over.
I think I asked him what he was doing, and he answered something random I think.
I even feel uncomfortable writing about it. I think there's a part of me that wanted things to be okay, so I think I must have suppressed some of the memory. Like in that moment I woke up I sort of denied it? If that make sense.
I clearly remember that the day after I had this weird feeling when I went to the toilet. I felt something wasn't right. I might have had some discharge too, but can't remember that exactly (sorry for the details, but it is important for my understanding).
I took courage and sent my older sister an email to tell her how much I care about her, and also that I have some memories that I am unsure of. I told her about this memory. She said that our dad would do things on her when she was asleep, but that sometimes she woke up seeing what he did.
I can't even now say I am completely sure he did something in that memory, what do you think? Does it sound like something happened? I called a professional once, and she said I should trust my feelings.

I know one thing. I used to have this panic attack thingy sometimes when I was lying in my bed and it was dark. I would have this short image of a man coming into the room, but then I would get so terrified and ill that if I tried to look deeper into the memory I would feel like throwing up. But after I found out about my dad, this has stopped. I haven't had this for years, so that also makes me suspicious of it being related to him.

Most things that are typical reactions in incest victims I have. I relate to all of it more or less.

I am very cautious with guys and sex and relationships. My sister is actually a lot more open. I have read that both can be typical traits. I don't like feeling I don't have control over myself, and usually avoid situations were I can end up feeling that way. At the same time I am a lot more confident in myself now, I feel like I respect myself more. So I guess that even if something happened that night or not, I am in a healing process.
My ex boyfriend helped me a lot, he made sexuality something good for me.
One thing I think is strange is that when I found out what happened with my sister, I had a feeling overload, but when I realized something might have happened to me as well, I became apathetic. I withdrew a lot in that period and almost lost my best friend, I couldn't go through with my studies. I felt "used up", like I wasn't worth anything.
At the same time I am glad that things came into the light because I don't have the panic attack anymore, I feel more secure in myself (at first I felt less confident though).

I know this is a long post, I guess I feel I had to share. There's a lot more people involved than I mentioned that get affected by this in one way or another. Any feedback is apprecated. thanks
Little angel
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Re: Story of me and my sister

Postby WiseMonkey » Fri Jul 13, 2012 5:55 pm

Hi Little Angel,

Thank you for sharing your story. I can see how learning about your sister's abuse triggered your own painful memories and why it affects you the way it does. I am sorry for what happened both to you and your sister. In terms of the feedback, please, let us know what kind of a feedback you are looking for. You didn't ask questions in your post, so I am not sure what exactly you would like to hear.

WM
"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."-Martin Luther King, Jr.
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Re: Story of me and my sister

Postby Little angel » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:43 am

I guess it was a long post, and probably not a very structured one, but considering what I wrote about it just had to come out in some order.

But I wondered about if you think something happened in that one memory where I ask that question in the end. And about feedback, I think that when I wrote it I just felt sort of vulnerable, so that's why I wrote about wanting feedback.
Sorry for not being clearer about it :)
Little angel
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Re: Story of me and my sister

Postby WiseMonkey » Mon Jul 16, 2012 6:38 pm

Well, you described that incident with your father as a memory not as a dream. So, if it's a memory, then it did happen. In any case, even if you don't remember exactly what he did, you seem to clearly remember him in the room where you were sleeping naked on his bed at the age of 14-15. It was inappropriate of him to be in the room where his 14-15 year old daughter was naked.

WM
"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."-Martin Luther King, Jr.
http://therapyconsumerguide.com/
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