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incest with brother

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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incest with brother

Postby confusedwoman » Tue Jan 11, 2011 1:06 pm

Hi All,

When I was between 9 and 14 I had a sexual relationship with my brother. He is 1,5 years older than me. When our parents were in their bedroom I would go up to my brother's bedroom and we would touch eachother. He would caress me and touch my breasts and finger me and I would caress him and jack him off. Most of the time he asked me to stop before he came, because of the mess it would give. I did come, but did not always mention it to him. I did not really like him fingering me, and did not feel anything when he touched my breasts, but I liked the attention and warmth. We both had emotional problems with peers and my parents had problems too. In my memory we did this 2 or 3 times a week.

Later in my life I have a huge problem with intimacy, but it never occured to me it had anything to do with this experience. I thought I was just shy and because I did not have many friends, and because of character, did not learn social skills very well
When I had my first boyfriend I felt guilty towards my brother when I touched him. I had a hard time touching him.
I like to cuddle, but almost freeze when it comes to sexual things. When somebody wants to do something sexual with me I get insecure. When I want it, I can not really do it and when I do not want it I have a hard time to tell where my boundaries are and I tend to leave that to the other person. If he wants it, ok, sort of. Later I do not feel good about it.
I have a good relationship with my brother.

Is it normal having had this experience that I do not know how to feel my boundaries and tell the other he is crossing my line, when he wants it?
And is saying that it does not feel good to do certain things enough of a sign for the other to stop? Is that clear enough?

(I know now that you have to be clear with men and say no, but I can not turn back time and I try to find out if saying that it does not feel good to do certain thinks should be enough information for a man to know he is going to cross your boundaries if he keeps trying to go further-this is not about my brother)

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Re: incest with brother

Postby Chucky » Wed Jan 12, 2011 11:05 pm

Not all of us men are the same, I must remind you. Saying 'no' is quite sufficient for us to realise that what we're doing isn't welcome. So, when you say 'no' to your partner, that should be registered in his head as meaning 'stop'. If he fails to do so, then you have to be more stern with him.

Are you intimating that your present problems are in a direct way related to what happened in your past? If so, how could you break the connection? In my opinion, talking openly about the past is the best way to break this link, or at least to be able to arrive at the point in time where you could freely think about what happened and also get on with the rest of your life. Of courses, you'd need to find a safe environment where you could talk about this stuff. For example, a counsellor's office or even just on this website.

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Re: incest with brother

Postby confusedwoman » Thu Jan 13, 2011 12:12 am

Are you intimating that your present problems are in a direct way related to what happened in your past? If so, how could you break the connection?


I try to figure some things out and am wondering if it influenced me and if so how. I am already in therapy and did not yet talk about this experience.

What do you mean by 'how could you break the connection'?

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Re: incest with brother

Postby Chucky » Fri Jan 14, 2011 5:18 pm

Sorry, I guess that was rather confusing. I more meant to ask how can you learn to be comfortable with the memories - i.e. to 'break' the bad connection that exists with them.
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Re: incest with brother

Postby confusedwoman » Fri Jan 14, 2011 8:26 pm

Sorry, I guess that was rather confusing. I more meant to ask how can you learn to be comfortable with the memories - i.e. to 'break' the bad connection that exists with them.


Thats ok. But before that I will have to find out how it is influencing me.

How do you get into sexual action with your own brother when you're so young? Does it count as a choice? I know I wanted attention, but did I know anything about sex when I was 8-9?
Anybody with similar experience?

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Re: incest with brother

Postby jasmin » Fri Jan 21, 2011 7:45 pm

Saying that you're not comfortable with something, sexually, is enough if you want to get someone to stop.
Yah, it does sound like your boundaries are messed up. Did anything other than the stuff with your brother happen when you were a kid?
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Re: incest with brother

Postby Hopeless1 » Fri Jan 21, 2011 10:58 pm

confusedwoman wrote:Anybody with similar experience?


Yes I have very similar experience. I had incest with my sister between the ages of 8-11, but I think it was my dad catching us and then never speaking about it that really screwed me up.

I have problems with intimacy as well, although the boundaries thing doesn't really apply to men. I think when I move out I man be able to enter a relationship, but I could never bring a girlfriend home and let my parents see it would seem...disrespectful. As for actually having sex I have never done it since I was 11, and I back away every time I get an opportunity to kiss someone let alone go any further.

I'd happily talk about your experiences it definitely sounds like this relationship with your brother is at the root of all your problems.
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Re: incest with brother

Postby CrackedGirl » Sat Jan 22, 2011 9:00 am

I have messed up issues with boundaries and I think a lot of ppl with difficult sexual histories do. It sounds like this is all tied up with your childhood and needs to be talked about. I am sorry this happened to you.

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Re: incest with brother

Postby confusedwoman » Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:32 pm

jasmin wrote:Saying that you're not comfortable with something, sexually, is enough if you want to get someone to stop.
Yah, it does sound like your boundaries are messed up. Did anything other than the stuff with your brother happen when you were a kid?


I think my experiences with my brother is the only sexual thing that 'happened' to me as a kid. I have had some other experiences but I see those as 'playing doctor' and I do not think that harmed me.

When I was 14 or 15 I have had another experience. Me and my friend were at a fair and two boys who were in their twenties asked us to come home with them. They gave us alcohol and in no time my friend and one of the boys were making out. The other boy started kissing me and feeling my breasts but I did not want him to. I felt not safe and told my friend I wanted to leave. We managed to leave. This guy did not really force me, but I did not feel safe at all.

When I had my first boyfriend he wanted to kiss me but I did not want him to because of this experience. I did not drink the specific kind of alcohol ever since.

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Re: incest with brother

Postby confusedwoman » Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:36 pm

Hopeless1 wrote:
confusedwoman wrote:Anybody with similar experience?


Yes I have very similar experience. I had incest with my sister between the ages of 8-11, but I think it was my dad catching us and then never speaking about it that really screwed me up.

I have problems with intimacy as well, although the boundaries thing doesn't really apply to men. I think when I move out I man be able to enter a relationship, but I could never bring a girlfriend home and let my parents see it would seem...disrespectful. As for actually having sex I have never done it since I was 11, and I back away every time I get an opportunity to kiss someone let alone go any further.

I'd happily talk about your experiences it definitely sounds like this relationship with your brother is at the root of all your problems.


Did your sister consent in your sexual relationship? I can imagine that the fact your dad caught you could be the harm part for you. Do you remember how your interaction started?
How old are you now? I am 33 and did not think it affected me up till now.
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