Dad and brother blamed me for being pretty

Exactly as the title says, They told me it was my fault for being ‘such a pretty girl’. Until recently I haven’t been able to discuss it. From the age of 9 dad sexually abused me along with my brother who was 12 at the time. I’ve never known a mum. Dad not only encouraged him to have sex with me and do what he wanted with me, he showed him how to do it right and they often took turns. It happened, sometimes several times a day until dad died when I was 16. I believed that’s all I was good for. Satisfying males. That year my brother ended up in jail, for something unrelated, and he’s still there. I’m 19 now and going through therapy. It’s not easy at all. That’s an understatement. I feel severe guilt because I miss being abused and am sexually disfunctional. I rarely leave my home unless I have to and I masturbate at an unhealthy level. I also have a 3 year old and the prospect of having to tell her who her daddy is scares the hell out of me. It’s either her grandfather or uncle and I just don’t know the answer. The point I really wanted to make is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have a long journey ahead but I’m not worthless or a whore (my dad’s pet name for me). A total stranger chatted with me yesterday and at long last I can see hope out of all of the things he said. I am lonely but there are good people around. If you’ve been dealt a rough hand in life, things can get better. Don’t give up.

Thank you for your reply. My brother has another 2 years to serve. He had asked me to visit him - I won’t. I have good days and bad days. A good deed can make a dark day brighter. There are times I have considered giving my daughter up for adoption but I have to be strong, for her sake. My therapist did tell me it’s not uncommon to miss the sexual attention when you experience it young like I did. I crave sexual satisfaction but i’m trying to regain control. I fear that when he is released I may give in to temptation so I moved away in the hope that he can’t find us when he gets out.

Sorry been on the road, just got back. Everything Snags said about how people especially girls react from early abuse. Agree about keeping away from your brother. He was old enough to know it was wrong. He should be someone who you can rely on not keep away from. Still as they say "all types in the world". And not all good.

Wish I could say we have not been here before but I will tell you of one very amazing story.
A girl of 17 came on here in enormous distress. She was 17 I think her mum was 31 (yes pregnant at 14). She had found out that her mother had been lying to her throughout her life and was angry and hurt. She had been lead to believe that her mum had a boyfriend, 16 when she was pregnant and they were going to be married when her mum was 16 and left school. Tragedy happened and he was killed. The mum had some photos, and they even visited his grave site. He mum told her how wonderful and loving and caring her dad was. Of course all a fiction. It was her mum's father.
We explained how much her mum had loved her, to bury her own pain and build this wonderful story for her daughter so she would not be hurt. She saw it and realised how amazing her mum was and how lucky she was to have her.

She does not need to know straight away and that is another reason to keep brother away.

Have you ever visited a rape crisis centre or maybe that is how you were referred to your therapist.

You are very young, but as the above story indicates some of us are capable of very old wise decisions at an early age

I said my brother was in jail for something unrelated. That’s true as it wasn’t because of what he did to me, but it is in a similar category. He’d been seeing a girl for a while and eventually he got caught in the act with his ‘girlfriend’ by her dad. She was 12 at the time. I believe her dad tried to grab my brother to get him off his daughter and my brother beat him up quite badly. It’s actually quite out of character for him, i’ve never known him to be violent. He said it was self defence that went too far. My brother doesn’t believe that he could be my daughter’s dad - I told him it’s someone else and it suited him to believe it. If he came over I wouldn’t be leaving him alone with her let’s just say. Weirdly I don’t put the full blame on him for having sex with me. Another thing to get my head around in therapy, he was technically a child too when he started riding me and it was encouraged by dad and in fact there were times when he basically ordered him to do it. Yes I know he should have known better as he was growing up but I’m still getting my head around it all. In my head I’d thought I could blame a one night stand when the time comes to tell her. Not a great plan but it’s early days. I’m working to try and resist temptation. If my brother was to come over today and try it on I’d end up in bed in seconds. I don’t want that to be the case. I have to have a lot more sessions in therapy and progress is slow. I’m vulnerable at the moment because if any man regardless of looks or age were to try and sleep with me, it’d happen easy enough. This is one of the reasons I rarely go out at the moment. I need to take control back, eventually. A long road ahead.

Abbie as Snags says you are doing OK. The more you work on it, the better you will get.

I wish more girls could cope as well as you.

Anytime you want to kick stuff around, you don't need a big problems to post, just drop in and we will be here.

Thank you for the replies. I replied when I was in a good place, I’m doing quite well at the moment but that’s certainly not always the case. I don’t always make the right decision and I doubt myself a lot. But i’ve been trying very hard and I haven’t always had someone to talk to. I do find talking about it can be therapeutic. Other times, you seriously don’t want to know what’s in my head. I have my demons, like most people I guess. I feel I’m worthless sometimes and only good for being a whore - they continually told me how good I was at being one.

I have so much experience at pleasing males. Then I look into my daughter’s pretty eyes and see her smile and suddenly i’m back in the room and a mum again. I hate myself for craving being abused, wanting to be back there getting used whenever they wanted. My therapist says it can take a very long time to recover, if I ever do, and I do believe that it will take a long time. I consoled myself in books and learning through books (probably to escape into them) when I was growing up and even though I credit myself with being reasonably intelligent, I have achieved and continue to achieve nothing or at least very little at the age of 19. I wonder what I could have been and done with a normal upbringing. I don’t feel normal and wonder if I ever will.

Quite frankly most of today so far has been spent masturbating and using chat rooms to talk with men who are very keen on hooking up. I even voice chatted with some. That’s not who I want to be but I can’t stop myself. My therapist has given me tasks to do when I feel like this, they’re not working. I mentioned a stranger who was kind to me recently. He was a man in his sixties. A really nice man, but a stranger, who had kind words for me. He had no reason to be kind. It did give me a lift. There are positive things that do give me a lift, this was one of them.

Then I wondered did he fancy me? Did he want my panties down? I then pictured him riding me, in my head, because I thought he was checking out my boobs. That ruined it and I quickly left and ran home otherwise it would either have happened of I would have embarrassed us both. That was after a session of therapy. I wonder if I’ll ever have normal interactions again. I’m capable of wise decisions yes, but don't always make then and I know at the time I’m not making the right decision.