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Abused by my older sister

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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Abused by my older sister

Postby BrokenAndBroke » Thu May 25, 2023 10:46 pm

This is my first time to this forum but I have never shared this story in full with anyone. I figure the best place to tell the whole story, at least what I remember. This is a forum where I feel safe. Here’s what happened to me. When I was 5 I was home with my family. My older sister called me up to her bedroom. I went in and she asked me to close the door. I grew up upper middle class so me and my siblings all had our own rooms. She asked me to get undressed and I did and then she told me to get in bed with her. She was in her underwear at this point. My memory is hazy but I remember her touching me and getting on top of me. She called it a game. This happened a few occasions each on consisting of the same things. My life has been irrevocably changed by what happened. For years after I would have strange dreams I didn’t understand. I later found out they were sex dreams but I didn’t know what they were since I had them from ages 6-11. I didn’t realize what happened until I learned what sexual abuse was. When I realized what happened to me I had a mental breakdown at school. After that I struggled with depression for years. I first attempted suicide at age 11 because I felt so worthless and dirty. I had recently discovered pornography and combined with my experiences it made me desire the same thing that happened to me at age 5. I felt disgusting because I was desiring the very kind of treatment that made me feel so depressed and dirty. I would fantasize about being abused and sometimes would put myself in situations where women could take advantage of me. On a few occasions I succeeded in some sense. I continued to struggle with depression and still do. I have attempted suicide 4 times. In spite of all the damage my experience did to me. I am desperate to be used like that again. I feel like a degenerate because I want more than anything to sexually abused again by women. I’m married now and I love my wife very much. However, I often feel like some part of me is lost and because of that I can’t give her my whole self. I know others have experienced more severe trauma than me but I just needed a space to share this because although I’ve been to therapy. The affects of my trauma have never fully left me and I suspect they never will.
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Re: Abused by my older sister

Postby Snaga » Sun May 28, 2023 4:12 am

I also don't think that we ever quite fully move on completely past sexual things that were done to us that affected us when we were not adults. I was mildly groomed for a short time, and I know that's stayed with me many decades later.

Hope you can find a way to cut yourself some slack. And feel less 'degenerate'. I mean, in other contexts, you might be describing wanting a BDSM relationship. Which you're not in (I assume), so in a way, you could view this as having an itch you can't scratch. Which is still terrible, but not so terrible as thinking of yourself as a degenerate person.

I guess what I'm saying is that there's other ways to look at the current situation. Other ways of looking at wants that a person can't have.

As for myself and my own grooming, I've long ceased to feel disgusted with desires that grew out of that- it is what it is and it became tiring to try and not have them. Doesn't mean I have the freedom to fulfill them (or even wish to), which is its own cross to bear, but I'm the product of my experiences, and as I said, it is what it is, and it's me and I just finally got used to it. I've ceased to feel much angst over things that I wish had happened, or want to have happened, or desire, as a result of my grooming experience. You have to find peace with yourself, and remind yourself of things that you value more, than the desires you have. Such as your relationship with your wife.
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