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My whole sexuality revolves around replicating the abuse.

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My whole sexuality revolves around replicating the abuse.

Postby VeryPissedOff » Sun Jun 05, 2022 10:59 pm

Without going into the details of what my abuse entailed, my entire sexuality has been completely derailed by it. It's impossible for me to enjoy any kind of sexual activity without elements of my abuse being present in it. And truth be told, the vast majority of the time I can't get myself to enjoy those either (unless it's in my head) - but that probably has to do with me being very picky when it comes to partners.

Today I managed to fantasize about something unrelated to the abusive scenarios that have been dominating my mind as long as I can remember and I kind of liked it: for a while it was possible for me to understand how other people can enjoy lip-kissing, gentle touching, reciprocal masturbation... All of those things I should've grown to seek out as well had my development not been completely deranged from its proper course starting at a very young age. It's sad to think that that's the healthy, normal person I should've become and it was taken away from me. All I ever wanted was a normal life.
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Re: My whole sexuality revolves around replicating the abuse.

Postby Snaga » Tue Jun 07, 2022 3:07 am

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

I would say hardly a week goes by I don't get all fantasy with my pederast from decades and decades ago. I sometimes wonder if there are people who are not affected by sexual abuse in their youth. I'd envy that.
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Re: My whole sexuality revolves around replicating the abuse.

Postby VeryPissedOff » Tue Jun 07, 2022 4:04 am

Hi Snaga, I enjoy reading your replies. There's one I read recently that stuck with me, it was a quote from the Bible about how adults should consider letting themselves die at sea before ever thinking of hurting children.

My issue with it is that I don't have any sexual desire that deviates from that. Like, none at all... I wish it was just something I could throw into the mix to spice things up occasionally (I hope me wording it this way doesn't come across as insensitive, but again, it's my abuse, so...). But no, that's all I like. And actually most of the times I don't even like it unless it's in my head. I really don't think it should've messed me up this much, yet it did. I often think that I probably already had it in me to be perverted, that I'm making a big issue out of nothing and that my brain had to be faulty to begin with.

I suppose the reason it happened this way is that everything occurred when I was very young and it was always a big presence throughout years of my early childhood.
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Re: My whole sexuality revolves around replicating the abuse.

Postby Snaga » Tue Jun 07, 2022 4:12 pm

VeryPissedOff wrote:There's one I read recently that stuck with me, it was a quote from the Bible about how adults should consider letting themselves die at sea before ever thinking of hurting children.


LOL I don't recall Jesus suggesting it be voluntary- not that He suggested folks do it but that it paled compared to what they'd face otherwise. Seems to me I see a lot of folks these days who risk that millstone. So fun to have a ringside seat for the Fall of Rome 2.0, but I digress...

But yeah, sexualising little kids is pretty heinous in my book.

VeryPissedOff wrote:y issue with it is that I don't have any sexual desire that deviates from that. Like, none at all... I wish it was just something I could throw into the mix to spice things up occasionally (I hope me wording it this way doesn't come across as insensitive, but again, it's my abuse, so...). But no, that's all I like. And actually most of the times I don't even like it unless it's in my head. I really don't think it should've messed me up this much, yet it did. I often think that I probably already had it in me to be perverted, that I'm making a big issue out of nothing and that my brain had to be faulty to begin with.


Hardly an insensitive observation- and you're right it is your abuse. I regularly fantasize and expand upon my own small sexual abuse and much more completely get sexually exploited in them. While at the same time understanding it's heinous and wrong and if a kid I ever cared about got snared by a groomer they might just start to think a millstone isn't such a bad alternative to my wrath....

And the only thing that has ever kept me from acting out on sexual fantasies in the flesh is that I practically came out of the womb with hypochondria, extreme anxiety and a (in this instance) healthy dose of paranoia and mistrust of strangers, otherwise I'm pretty sure I'd have died several decades ago before the advent of modern HIV drugs- meaning I probably would have engaged in so much high-risk behaviour in the late-70s/early 80s I scarcely see how I would have avoided contracting AIDS. Fear of everything from God to my momma kept me alive, I'm pretty sure. It made my life much less interesting, maybe- but I'm alive.

The whole point of the above paragraph is that it took something pathological and stronger than the desire to live out things that stem from my partial grooming I was getting, to keep me from it. Certainly it wasn't because of my fortitude of character, ha. Nope, pretty sure it wasn't that. Which means it's darn hard to not get warped and act out as you speak of doing. Kudos to them that can do it without something even crazier preventing it such as in my case. And no shame on folks that find it too hard to resist acting out...

Usually, it's in your head, you say. I have OCD so I have to live by the concept that what goes on in my head, is just that- in my head. It affects no one, and it doesn't put me in any kind of jeopardy in the real world.

But the practical aspect that you can't seem to be sexual outside of it. That's a heavy burden. Have you had therapy for it? Sounds as if that wouldn't be a bad idea, especially if you're still young enough to have a sex-life. At my age it seems rather pointless the spirit is willing more often than the flesh is feeling froggy, these days. I suppose it depends on the sort of activities you mean- if it's something not too physically endangering and can be done by consenting adults, there's always Fetlife, I suppose. I know if given the chance I'd have been heavily into mildly freaky stuff. Finding a partner that is willing or eager to be the other side of your coin... as a last resort, anyway. Therapy sounds better. We all come here to this forum because we bemoan the lack of 'normality'. Those that come here to celebrate it don't last long.. :twisted:
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Re: My whole sexuality revolves around replicating the abuse.

Postby VeryPissedOff » Tue Jun 07, 2022 5:16 pm

LOL I don't recall Jesus suggesting it be voluntary- not that He suggested folks do it but that it paled compared to what they'd face otherwise. Seems to me I see a lot of folks these days who risk that millstone. So fun to have a ringside seat for the Fall of Rome 2.0, but I digress...


Lol I was mostly paraphrasing from memory. Also I'm not too familiar with scriptures so sometimes it's easy for me to misinterpret their actual meaning, but I suppose that might be common among actual Christians as well.

my own small sexual abuse


I see you often make it a point to specify that your own abuse was small. Is it because the fact that it wasn't as bad as other's make you feel guilty? I've read some truly heinous stuff on this forum. To think that those people (supposedly) didn't have their entire sexuality turned upside down by their abuse makes me feel weak and guilty.

Usually, it's in your head, you say. I have OCD so I have to live by the concept that what goes on in my head, is just that- in my head. It affects no one, and it doesn't put me in any kind of jeopardy in the real world.


I also have OCD. That's actually how I discovered the forum years ago if I remember correctly. I used to hang around the paraphilia forum too and my post could potentially fit there as well, I suppose (I feel compelled to say that my interests don't involve anything illegal and I've never been interested in abusing anyone outside of myself).

But the practical aspect that you can't seem to be sexual outside of it. That's a heavy burden. Have you had therapy for it?


I really don't think my sexuality (or anyone's) can changed by therapy. I suppose it could maybe help me expand my desires beyond the abuse, but I'm not ready to risk the shame and psychological terror it would come with telling someone. I've been told by different therapists that I probably have PTSD, though, so I guess I'll have to one day... If I did it right now it would set my life on fire and it's already a pile of garbage as it is.

I know if given the chance I'd have been heavily into mildly freaky stuff.

Because of the abuse?

We all come here to this forum because we bemoan the lack of 'normality'. Those that come here to celebrate it don't last long..


I suppose that's how the paraphilia forum eventually got booted... Such an eyebrow-raising place that was.
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Re: My whole sexuality revolves around replicating the abuse.

Postby Snaga » Wed Jun 08, 2022 3:46 pm

Yes, i miss Paraphilias. It was an eye-raising place. I most miss the Fetish sub-forum. But, oh well. Probably for the best- I'm not sure the Fetish subforum was used the way it probably ought to be- we're here to cope, not necessarily cheer each other on. With responsibility has come prudishness on my part. So yes, folks that come here to encourage someone to keep doing the things that have distressed the OP in the first place to come here and talk about it is not well accepted on the part of management....

Paras got locked, when it became a liability. And it wouldn't have been a liability, if there hadn't been bad apples in the barrel who didn't appreciate you don't $#%^ where you eat. A damn shame- I don't know of any other place where especially pedophiles could openly discuss their struggle in a neutral place that was not encouraging of acting upon their desires, but not openly hostile to the mere fact they live and breathe, either. Some of the members were right decent people who understood the gravity of their sexual bent. It wasn't fair to them and it wasn't because of them it got closed.

It's unfortunate fetish and kink also had to go- but you can't very well fairly decide some paraphilias are 'okay' and others are verboten. In the context of a wider subject, however, us mods do have the discretion to allow some fetish into a conversation when it is part of a larger issue- in a limited way. I hate having to turn away folks who are troubled by a paraphilia as their main issue, but it is what it is.

I think some of my potential freakiness would stem from my own small abuse- you're observant. Being fondled and groomed doesn't hold a candle to some of what I've read here. Guilt? I don't know- this isn't a contest but yes when one's sexual abuse is physically of a degree and/or duration far less than others it does seem to make me feel as if I'm just weak-willed. I never came to PF to talk about it, it never occurred to me, I only have mentioned it as a way or relating to others here, but it does have the side-effect of making me aware that sexual abuse is sexual abuse is sexual abuse and it's not a contest. Still, i feel as if my own experience with a pederast was rather trivial. I can't help but think a lot of boys would not have been deeply affected as I was- I think for me, things were more 'woken' in me, rather than 'created' by my pederast. But I can't know that for certain and that's the most frustrating thing about childhood sexual abuse- you can't know with total certainty you'd have turned out this way or that, if left to your own devices. In a perverse way it even occurs to me I might have been more likely to give in to non-vanilla (that is to say deviate from conventional heterosexual sexuality) desires if I hadn't been abused. Such is the nature of having your childhood sexually ###$ with.

I agree with you on the therapy- but would it not at least help you cope? And surely a good therapist has 'heard it all before'. Although I have to admit I'd feel a great deal of self-consciousness if I had to bare my sexual soul face to face with someone, even if I were paying them to listen. Not just out of fear of disclosure (though there is that) but, while I am rather hazy and vague sometimes from a gender perspective, I do have a Y-chromosome and that chromosome would get awful put out at being less than 'manly' in person to a therapist, ha. Otherwise known as the male ego. Besides- I've worn my mask so long, it's stuck to me...

Still, you might consider therapy. Objectively it can't be as bad as we feel it would be, surely. Doing isn't as easy as advising it, though.
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Re: My whole sexuality revolves around replicating the abuse.

Postby VeryPissedOff » Wed Jun 08, 2022 5:42 pm

To be fair, I often wonder if shutting it down wouldn't have become necessary had the mods not allowed the apologist section of the pedophilia crowd to flourish the way they did (at least that's what appears to have happened looking from the outside). I don't mind people coming for support, I'm glad my sexuality doesn't involve anything of the sort and I'm genuinely sorry for those who ended up with an unfortunate set of desires (mine make my life complicated enough), but I think a line should've been drawn at publicly endorsing sexual contact between adults and children the way some of those people were doing. It's clear to me as a survivor that most of them didn't even know what they were talking about, either (and I don't believe they wouldn't at least occasionally browse this section of the site, so they had ample opportunities to see the errors of their thinking).

I think some of my potential freakiness would stem from my own small abuse- you're observant


It seems like perversion (or kinkness, if you'd rather me using that term - I personally consider mine a perversion as much as the sexual positivity crowd would want me to believe otherwise) often gets passed down, in a way. Of all things I really wish that didn't happen, as I feel like now I've got a sickness in me that forever ties me to the person who violated me (who was also my dad, by the way). It does make me feel a bit better to know that it's a common struggle, though.

but it does have the side-effect of making me aware that sexual abuse is sexual abuse is sexual abuse and it's not a contest


What's interesting about sexual abuse is that it doesn't matter how mild - it's going to ###$ you up. At least in the vast majority of cases. That doesn't seem to happen with other forms of abuse. I have more than one friends who got occasionally "beaten" by their parents (and if not that, at least beyond the threshold of what would be considered discipline) and they just shrug it off. With sexual abuse though, even if it just happened once, even if no touching was involved (let's say you were made to watch pornography as a child)... It's going to ###$ you up. There's no resilience, it seems, for something like that.

I've been in therapy off and on for many years, I just don't want to discuss the abuse for now. I genuinely believe that if I open that door I might end up in a mental hospital. Thank you for your support though.
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Re: My whole sexuality revolves around replicating the abuse.

Postby VeryPissedOff » Wed Jun 08, 2022 6:55 pm

Anyway I don't get any notification alerting me that a new message has been posted. Is it normal?
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Re: My whole sexuality revolves around replicating the abuse.

Postby Terry E. » Thu Jun 09, 2022 1:22 am

VeryPissedOff wrote:

I see you often make it a point to specify that your own abuse was small. Is it because the fact that it wasn't as bad as other's make you feel guilty? I've read some truly heinous stuff on this forum. [b]To think that those people (supposedly) didn't have their entire sexuality turned upside down by their abuse makes me feel weak and guilty.[/b]




My sex abuse was minor (in my mind) although greater than a lot here. However in my mind it will always be minor because my emotional physical was extreme long term. Today would be called torture, but back then parents buried the kid in their back yard and just told the other relatives they had run away. Always a good time to do it when a circus came to town.

I have however on several occasions here had very long discussions with people who suffered what can only be called extreme sex abuse. One of them had a minor crash after being triggered by a program on TV, upended her life. Prior to that (and after two suicide attempts one failed marriage she found the right guy had four great kids, made a lot of money, got a pysch degree, wrote advice papers for her govt, the other one is still young and a work in progress. Personally I keep getting asked why I am not institutionalised.

So here is my take. The worse it is the more adaptive you can become. The ones who can do this become great dis-associators. They can compartmentalise and appear quite normal. As you may guess though, we appear normal but we are not. We can however be very high functioning and at times this can be an advantage. (Audi Murphy was described as a child as a loner with an explosive temper (father abandoned the family when in his early teens and after Audi was rich and famous he never sought his father out and his father stayed well away - make that what you will). Audi is the highest decorated soldier of any war. one of the worlds greatest survivors. I have often been described as not a happy person but never described as unhappy. I am flat. I am quite okay with that.

So from the above if it is terribly extreme you can have a really good life, (because if you have no idea of what you have missed)
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Re: My whole sexuality revolves around replicating the abuse.

Postby VeryPissedOff » Thu Jun 09, 2022 3:17 am

Thank you for contributing to the thread. I believe the abuse is also very compartmentalized in my mind, that's why I mentioned the opening of a specific door. I too am a great dissociator. Successful though? No, that's not me. At least not yet, but I highly doubt life will ever get too good for me. I have other (unrelated) issues that contribute to my demise.

I've had anxiety since I was a kid, which led to a whole string of things during my life. I often wonder, if I had to choose between one of the two things, which one would I pick? I think maybe I'd do away with the anxiety and I would keep the abuse, as disgusting as that part of my life is. I can survive going through life with that part of me forever damaged, as I don't really use it anyway (well, I'm sure I would if I could get it to work properly), but to do anything with my emotions all out of balance has been proved to be very difficult. And I can't really move away from my past if I can't even build a proper future.

I know it's my big T trauma and that two different therapists have recommended I try EMDR but I don't think it's ever driven my life as much as other things. I mostly just put it in a box and don't think about it. I wonder how long it will be before it falls right on my head though, the shelf is bound to cave eventually.
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