Can you still love your incest abuser? Help?

Something happened recently at home that triggered something in me so I was looking on here and have found some helpful things as I can’t talk in real life about it.

When I was growing up my uncle experimented and did things with me including getting me to masturbate and suck him and eventually leading to sex. The thing is I loved him then and still do to this day and I don’t ever remember telling him no. I don’t know why I just went with it but I know I adored him. He doesn’t do those things any more. I still love him and have the urge to protect him but the thing that triggered me recently was walking n on my younger brother and sister experimenting. She was masturbating and sucking him. Memories flooded back. I told them both to stop but to my surprise it was her (she’s two years younger than him) that said no she wouldn’t because it’s fun. I’m not sure what to do because if I take this to mum and dad it will likely break up our family and I don’t want that. Whatever happens I can’t ever talk to mum and dad about my uncle but I just don’t know what to do about my siblings and am feeling a bit lost. They’ve continued to do more since. Any help would be appreciated, thank you. I’m 16 and a girl btw.

It’s very common to still care for the person who molested you. I was molested by my dad for years, all the way until I was 20, but I kept his secret until his dying day. In part because I still cared for him and didn’t want to be the cause of the huge amount of trouble it would cause if I spoke about what he did to me. There are many others who can relate to you on this. It’s an incredibly difficult situation, to say the least. You recognize that they have done horrible things to you and maybe you even can’t stand the fact that they’re getting away with it, but at the same time, you do love them and wouldn’t want to see anything bad happen to them and you also don’t want to tear your family apart, as you said.

However, having walked in on your younger siblings engaging in sex acts is highly concerning and not just because of what you saw. Would it be correct to assume they’re both considerably younger than you? If they’re actually children, it’s even more jarring as to how they even know about sex at their ages. Did you ask and/or did they say how they knew how to do that? If not, I would assume that your uncle has also been molesting them. The way I see it, I don’t think it’s any coincidence that what she was doing to your brother was the exact same things your uncle had you do to him: masturbation and oral sex. But regardless if your uncle molested them or not, I think it’s safe to assume they were molested as well.

If you haven’t already, I would find out how they knew about those sex acts. If it was indeed from your uncle molesting them, then you may find yourself with even more of a dilemma. That’s all I will say for now until I get more information. All in all, I’m terribly sorry for what you’ve had to endure, what you had to witness and now, for the difficult decisions you’re faced with. I can only hope you’re able to overcome this. From my experience, this site is a good resource for that, so you’ve come to the right place.

Nowadays I'm inclined to mutter something about kids and the internet, but Chels has a very good point. Does your uncle spend lots of time around your family still? How old were you when he started with you; how old were you when he stopped, and how old is your sister?

If he's a genuine pedophile it could be he has a specific age range, for example. When we had an open paraphilias forum I do seem to recall a number of pedo/hebe/ephebophiles that were that way- like Goldilocks and porridge, can't be too young or too old, has to be just right. And if he did things with you, and recently stopped, and your sister is at an age he was doing things to you, well...

Well. I'd personally be inclined to do two things: Watch Uncle like a hawk, and never leave my sister's side when he's around. But I'm a six foot tall fat old man. Not a 16 year old girl. Your uncle seems pretty chill since you say you still care for him; but we also don't want to find out if he has any mean buttons that can be pushed. I know you don't want to blow up the family, but I think you need to seriously consider ratting his tail out to your parents. He deserves no loyalty from you. And the possibility he's turned his attentions to your younger sister should incense you. I'd tell. You also have no idea who else he might have done this with, or be doing this with.

Out of curiosity, whose brother is he? Your dad's, or your mom's?

Also I might consider telling the parent who is NOT his sibling, first.

If he's doing things with your younger sister, this cannot be allowed to continue. And consider, if your younger sister initiated this with your brother, or worse, if your uncle IS doing things and Brother has been witness to it, what sort of effect is this having on his development? Do you want him shaped by this? Do you want to feel as if you can't trust him around your children someday?

This crap needs to be stopped. Just be mindful of your own safety.

Also out of curiosity, how old is your uncle? It occurs to me he might be much younger than your parent. Still, whether he's actually attracted to minors or not, this crap needs to stop.

Your story really reached out to me because I am in a similar predicament with one of my family members. I grew up with a brother who continually molested me for years. He stopped roughly 4 years ago, and I can understand what you mean when you said that you still trust your uncle, because I sort of feel the same way with my brother.

I would suggest definitely telling your parents what happened between your siblings, even if your younger sister seems to be enjoying it. My brother seduced and forced me to accept what he was doing to me, and although most of the time I hated it, very few instances I actually enjoyed it and went along with what he was doing. Depending on how young your sister is, she may not understand what sex is, and is probably doing what your brother is telling her to do because it feels pleasurable.

And I agree with Snaga and Chels91 that your younger siblings might have been molested by your uncle too. Your uncle could have moved on from you to your younger siblings, and I agree that it's best to tell an adult about what happened. Even though you did say that you enjoyed what he did to you, it isn't your fault because it sounds like you were too young to understand what was going on.

I’m so grateful for your replies. When I logged on here and saw them I got a bit of a lift and a bit of relief I think. I think it’s maybe helped to tell someone and your advice is good. I’ve never told anyone before. To answer your questions I was 5 when it started and he was in his late teens, he’s my dad’s brother and some years younger than him. It progressed to penetration about 2 years after it started. It stopped when I was 12. My uncle had a breakdown I suppose you would call it and we talked about it and he cried and apologised and promised it would never happen again, and it didn’t. I kind of believe him that he hasn’t done it since, which feels weird to say. He said that he loved me so much and I think I believed him. He took a new job away from us after that and we don’t really see him in person any more as he lives too far away, not for the last number of years anyway. I was always more protective of my brother and sister growing up, for obvious reasons, who are now 14 and 12. I’m convinced he hasn’t touched them and wouldn’t have had the opportunity to. I could always be wrong but I don’t really think I am. My own behaviour isn’t normal when it comes to attraction and sex and all that goes with it, an attraction to much older men and I put that down to what happened. I’ve done things with men that I’m not proud of but couldn’t help it but I also know it’s not normal. When I get excited or stimulated I miss my uncle having sex with me, I know that sounds weird and makes me feel f**ked up in the head when I see it written down. Those feelings subside when I stop feeling horny. I wish I could stop feeling horny permanently. With regard to my brother and sister I put that down to the internet, too much freedom with ipads and laptops etc and exposure to porn. During lockdown I could hear my brother watching porn and masturbating excessively. My mum knows that he masturbates excessively because she jokes about the amount of tissues that he goes through and that she has to buy so many boxes of them. My sister kind of surprised me because it was like she was taking the lead and he was letting her. She’s going through puberty and discovering herself and becoming sexual. When I see what goes on in school with similar age kids it’s not massively shocking to me that this kind of thing happens. Although I would like it to be a shock to me, if you know what I mean. My brother and sister were at it this morning and I still haven’t done anything about it. I just don’t know what the right thing is to do yet, but I know that I really really appreciate you taking the time out to reply to me. I didn’t expect all of this to come out of me, ever, I feel weirdly relieved.

Thank you for the additional information. Maybe your uncle didn’t molest your siblings and at their ages, their knowledge of sex makes a bit more sense to where they could have simply acted on their own. Not that it makes it okay, of course. Given this new information, I would highly recommend telling your parents about what they’re doing. If they already know your brother masturbates excessively, it should be easier for them to believe what’s going on. One way or another, it has to stop.

As for your uncle, it’s good if he had an epiphany and genuinely regrets what he did, but you still have to live with the lasting impact he left on you. He shouldn’t just walk free after all he’s done. I would suggest telling your parents about that as well, but I can understand if that’s much more difficult to speak up about. I’m glad you’re at least feeling some relief over discussing this. Sometimes talking about it with other people really helps. I can only hope we’re able to help you more here and that you can start the road to recovery from here.

Chels I think you’ve helped me more than you’ll know. I have so many mixed emotions about my uncle that I’ve never been able to deal with. Guilt for missing what he used to do, anger at how it makes me behave now and annoyance that I never once asked him to stop. I don’t know if he would have if I asked? I’ll never know now. I do believe he greatly regrets what he did, I think he was sincere about that. I didn’t expect to ever start to deal with this but I think I’m starting now. I really don’t know about telling mum or dad. I have to give that a lot more thought. I don’t think I could cope with the aftermath.

My sister seems to be taking the lead as I said and my brother is going along with it. He’s not forcing her but he’s letting her. I’d kind of hoped that mum or dad would walk in on them, catch them at it and sort it out. That would save me from having to take it forward. She told me this morning that she enjoys doing things like that and gets really horny a lot. I tried to explain to her that as her body changes she will have those feelings but it’s not cool to do those things with him. I also encouraged her to wait until she is older to do things with boys. When I looked into her eyes I know she has absolutely no intention of stopping. She said she’d already been in his room this morning to wake him up. He woke up to her crawling in beside him and taking it from there. I don’t think there’s any other option now but to tell mum, I just can’t quite bring myself to do it. I’m gonna have to do something. Thank you again for all of your replies. I really really appreciate it.

I can relate some to the retrospective feelings you have about your uncle. My own molestation by my dad could have very well stopped if I had simply told him so. I still struggle with the guilt over having enjoying it at one point and not standing up for myself sooner. But learning to let go of that guilt and come to a degree of acceptance over what happened is all part of the process of overcoming it. I still feel guilty over a lot of things, but I’ve become better about it since dealing with my issues. I’m sure you will too, even if it takes some time. At least you’re doing it now while you’re young and not waiting until you’re 30 like I did.

You have plenty of time to put thought into how you’ll open about what happened to your uncle. Not to put pressure on you, but you may not have the luxury of time when it comes to your two siblings. You could just sit it out and hope they’ll eventually get caught by one of your parents. Or they’ll successfully avoid being noticed by your parents and it will progress to full on intercourse and become much worse. Just know one thing: there’s no easy way to tell your parents. Don’t waste time on how to break it to them easy, just tell them straight up what’s happening. I hope you’re able to do it soon. I’m glad to be of some help because I understand just how hard it is.

Were you ever able to get any more information on how your sister knows how to do those sexual acts? As far as you know, is it always just her masturbating and giving oral to your brother? I just find it really odd that she’s the one instigating these sex acts and she’s insistent on them being one-sided. It’s usually the other way around with the older male taking the lead with these things, especially if he’s only ever on the receiving end. Maybe this is just one of those uncommon cases, but I feel compelled to ask all the same.

There are so many emotions to deal with about my uncle but I still feel the need to protect him, whether rightly or wrongly. Probably wrongly. I’m sorry for what you had to go through too. I need to think about what to do next. I need to get my brother and sister sorted out first.

You’re right it is more urgent as I don’t want them having intercourse, I’m not even sure if they have already. My sister pretty much watched a lot of the stuff she’s doing on the internet. To answer your question she masturbates him and gives him oral until he climaxes. There’s been some playing with her but it’s mostly on him, according to her. I chatted with her earlier this evening and learned more. It turns out she’s also been giving oral to a neighbour boy and has done it 5 or 6 times so far, which was a shock to me. I also found it concerning that she says she’s really good at it and is very casual about the whole thing. Way too casual for my liking. The boy is a year older than her and to top it off he has a girlfriend but he still lets my sister suck him off. I’m kinda regretting even asking her. I’ve told her that if she doesn’t stop I’ll be telling mum and dad. I’ve also discovered that the activities with our brother aren’t as recent as I thought. Apparently she walked in on him masturbating quite a while ago and it happened from there. I’ve pretty much decided that I’m going to tell mum tomorrow. She’s in for a shock. I hope she know’s what to do.

Thank you once again for helping me. I really appreciate it.