Masturbating to memories of early and longterm sexual abuse

Hi , I have just registered here after trying to find somewhere I can share my shame without judgement.

I was abused by both parents from as early as I can remember, with other adults being involved along the way. I was very sexually aware and was masturbating next to my parents as they made love and I seemed to crave that stimulus regularly. The abuse progressed further but as an adult now I can only really reach orgasm by thinking about specific events that happened during that time.

I’m in therapy now and working through these things but the desires have not dissipated.

Any advice? Or fellow sufferers?

Thanks for taking the time to read

X

Hello and welcome to the forums.

I doubt your issue is rare, myself. In your position, I'd be the same way. I was groomed around 12-13 years old, by a stranger- for only a very short period of time compared to someone brought up in a home environment of sexual abuse- yet I have often fantasized/masturbated based on even that small amount of sexual grooming. Still do at times and that was over four decades ago. How much more for someone in your situation?

Certainly, not everyone responds that way to sexual abuse when young, but I did.

Thank you Snaga for your kind and compassionate reply,

Perhaps my situation was uncommon in that I willingly sought out the sexual attention of my parents and was able to orgasm from much earlier than most. I know what my parents did was wrong but the shake I feel is based on society’s view of how I should feel . This is why I am so conflicted.

Because there were so many occurrences I have a lot of situations that I go to in my head when I’m masturbating. It makes me feel like a bad person, but it’s what is natural for me and I can’t see how that’s possible to reprogram?

I so appreciate your openness and bravery to share. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

Xx

LoneSheWolf wrote:Perhaps my situation was uncommon in that I willingly sought out the sexual attention of my parents

After you'd been exposed to sex, correct? Sure, you'd willingly sought it out. It felt good, and it was your parents. Isn't that what grooming is all about? Acclimate the child to sex- to be at the least acquiescent, if not willing? My own grooming experience at around 13 was with a neighbor who was a pederast (I'm male)- it was cut short before things got very sexual (as far as I remember he mostly just stuck his hand down my shorts) but as soon as it ended I missed it, I regretted it ended, I wanted more and I wanted him to do whatever he wanted. But I wouldn't have had any of those ideas if he hadn't pushed the right buttons.

And that's at an age where I knew what this fellow was doing. How is a small child supposed to reject that? From their parents? Some might, but it seems as if that's going to depend very much on the child, and I expect most would grow up to consider it normal, if the parents otherwise cared for the child. Out of those I have spoken with directly via the forums and in other online venues that have been brought up sexually by a parent, some just don't feel violated. They understand it was deviant on the part of their parents, but still...

Thanks SNAGA , Yes that does make sense

Although my dad denies anything being done to me before the age of four, when he has had a few drinks he alludes to the contrary. I think parental sex has been as common for me as a hug would be for other people. So yes , I don’t think there was a time when I wasn’t being exposed to adult sexuality.

I think my desperation to view the memories in a positive light stems from the family environment changing as I got older. Violence, fear, control and psychological abuse took the place of sexual intimacy. The sexual aspect was still there and it was never in a violent capacity but the rest of the time was spent with me trying toy protect my mum from getting the most horrific beatings.

I come from a wealthy family and there were no other kids at my ( very small and expensive girls school) turning up to school after spending all night putting myself in between my parents to protect my mum . The responsibility of that was solely mine from the age of 7.

So the sexual memories of us all together and being gently loved and touched is a far more comfortable thing to recall than what came after. The challenge now though is how can I be sexually aroused by anything apart from that ? It’s the only thing that I can get off to . I’ve been celibate for 2 years now because I can’t let go mentally when I’m being intimate with someone who doesn’t fantasise about similar things.

I want a reset button. Or to meet an understanding and similar man or woman to build a relationship with .

LoneSheWolf wrote:I want a reset button. Or to meet an understanding and similar man or woman to build a relationship with .

Wouldn't a reset button be great? Maybe with time and continued therapy- Rome wasn't built in a day, and you were exposed to that stuff for a very long time- I mean, when we're kids time doesn't pass the way it does as adults- so it seems so long. And it was, for a child. You were brought up in that- kudos to the people who can drop it like a hot potato, but not everyone's blessed that way.

The second option would be a temptation- although if you're earnest about moving away from this in therapy, it seems counterproductive to me. Outside of sites like Fetlife, I'm not sure exactly how you discreetly ask a date if they're into incest roleplay, however... I assume that's where you were headed with that.

I think I would ask the therapist what they think about seeking a partner that is into that as well- not that you have to do what they say, but it might be interesting to hear what they have to say about that.

Some of the other stuff in your post makes me think of another thread of yours but I think I'll ask you about it over there....

Thank you so much SNAGA for taking the time to listen , not just to listen but thank you for asking follow up questions which is what people in my life rarely do. I appreciate your compassion and non- judgment greatly.

How do I read blogs on here? It doesn’t seem to be working ?

You're quite welcome!

LoneSheWolf wrote:How do I read blogs on here? It doesn’t seem to be working ?

That's related to being a new member- for a while there are restrictions on new members which are eventually lifted.

This is a really hard situation and I dont think you are alone in this. It's common for abused to have sexual thoughts of what happened to them. In the same way young adults explore their sexual identity and are formed by their early sexual experiences, it's really similar for young children who are sexually abused. These things can become part of their sexual identity. I wish I had an answer as to how to hit a reset button. Does the mind really work like that? I don't know anything about sex therapy but I wonder if that could be an avenue to help.

you are definitely not alone. my situation sounds very similar to yours.

sex and masturbation was normalised by my parents. from as young as i can remember they would openly have sex in front of me and with other men. which really sexualised me it never felt like abuse though and i always pushed for more until i was having intercourse with both my mum and dad and other men. even when i worked out it wasnt normal i still couldnt stop.

now i can not stop masturbating about those memories and they pop into my mind when i am having sex. or when i want to reach orgasm i think of some of those sexually perverted moments.

ive kind of learnt to accept it and just enjoy it instead of feel guilty about it but i dont mention them to others i know wouldn't understand.