Masturbating to memories of early and longterm sexual abuse

LoneSheWolf2 wrote:@VeryPissedOff

Thanks for your msg, I am still active but it seems to take so long to have posts approved and then responded to that I’ve lost hope and motivation. I’ve seen your post on this similar topic and I’m so appreciative of you reaching out to me. I’d love to connect further xx

Hi Lone, after you reach a certain number of posts everything will get approved automatically. Thank you for responding to my thread as well.

@VeryPissedOff

You’re right , I’m PM open now so if you need me, I’m here x

No, you are sadly, most definitely not alone in this awful situation! I was terribly abused by my mother!
When I was just turning 14 my father left my mother, and she began drinking… a LOT! Her coming home at all hours was awful, it felt as though I lost BOTH parents. As an adult I now understand that she was likely out with other men. I usually didn’t wake up when mom got home, but seeing her car in the driveway in the morning was always a relief. Although it was the ‘80s, drunk drinking was beginning to be taken very seriously. One night I remember I was having (what I thought was) a wet dream. I hated when that happened, although it felt great, the embarrassment and the clean-up always bothered me. This night was different, usually I’d wake-up during the orgasm, but this time I started to wake-up right in the middle of the “sex” but instead of the feeling fading away as I awoke, the feeling actually got stronger. Before I realized what happened I began ejaculating as I realized my mother was straddling me. I remember her encouraging me “oh baby yes, cum for me”! And as soon as I did, this wave of guilt and horror washed over me. She got up and got a warm wash cloth to. Clean me, but I just snatched it from her and cleaned myself. I was horrified!
The next morning, she acted as if nothing had happened, and I seriously doubted whether it actually happened or I just dreamt it. Until three days later, when I awoke again to find my mother straddling me, her skirt hiked up, her underwear on the floor by my doorway. She was actively having sex with me, I just froze! I had no idea what I was supposed to do, I know that I was repulsed by what my mom was doing to me, but again, I was so close to cumming, that any guy will tell you at that point there is nothing you can do to just stop, and not have the orgasm. Every cell in your body wants one thing, that orgasm. This time I actually said that I was “cumming” to which my mom said something similar to the first time, with the “ooh yes baby cum for me”! The following morning I couldn’t even look at her, I was so upset at what she had done to me, and so embarrassed, I just left for school w/o any breakfast.
That day I kept thinking about what my mother did to me, and as upset as I was, my super-hormonal body kept getting erections as I thought about it, which not only upset me I began sexualizing the event… and my mom! I even remember throwing up at school. Yet an hour later, the image of her on top of me, got me hard again! This “new normal” kept happening, sometimes several nights in a row, and sometimes a week or more would pass w/o her touching me. By the 4th or 5th time she did this, I remember that I began thrusting instinctively, which seemed to please my mom a lot, but made me feel even dirtier! By now she was getting completely undressed, and I actually began looking forward to my mom entering my room at night.
She continued molesting me for over 3yrs, at times it was happening between two or three times a night, and once, every other night. w/o getting into the disturbing and gross details, basically, anything two lovers would do is exactly what she manipulated me into doing! I hated myself and attempted suicide twice! However, whenever I masturbate or make love to my wife, the image of my then young, mother sliding my penis inside her body, or the thought of her sucking my cock almost always pops in my head. She would even jerk me off while watching tv, and sometimes while i was driving! I never got any counseling, and dealt with it by drinking. What bothered me the most was how it affected me so down to my core, that as soon as my own daughter reached puberty, I began to fantasize about having sex with her! Child sexual abuse is like a virus, and it needs to be eradicated! If I’d have known that I would ever desire my own daughter, I never would have had children!

@Gettingthere212

Thanks so much for sharing your story, I feel your pain and conflicting emotions. The desires that develop as a knock on effect are hard to deal with and I struggle with those too.

This is a great place to ‘ voice’ those fears and I’m here for you as a fellow survivor.

Xx

That's so sad and I'm sorry you all had to go through that. I only have had problems with sex in my adulthood afaik. But I did sleep with a man old enough to be my father when I was 29. He commited suicide and tbh I wish he was still alive so that we could be together again. Maybe if you find some one old enough to be your parent, you can replace the bad memories by making new ones?
I don't even know why I prefer older men. But I've also had trouble with extremely old guys (80) trying to harass me and touch me. But reading what you all had to go through with your own parents. That is so sick, and I'm sorry. It puts things in perspective for me. As for me I loved being with that older man, and I deeply regret my actions toward him and rejecting him which led to his suicide. Now I don't know how I will replace him. lol. Maybe you can find an older man to replace those bad memories. That's so horrifying. I'm sorry. Not to say something bad but it makes my problems with men less traumatic, because Ive only dealt with problems with sex in adulthood (even tho, there are some people who never had problems with sexual boundaries in adulthood either)

LoneSheWolf2 wrote:@Gettingthere212

Thanks so much for sharing your story, I feel your pain and conflicting emotions. The desires that develop as a knock on effect are hard to deal with and I struggle with those too.

This is a great place to ‘ voice’ those fears and I’m here for you as a fellow survivor.

Xx

Thank you so much! I can’t believe it has been almost a year since I wrote that! After I did, I felt even worse after I wrote about my mother having sex with me while i slept. I truly felt like I had betrayed a family secret or something! The things my mother inflicted on me still affect me to this day! She screwed me up so badly, that I still struggle with seeing my young daughter as a viable sexual partner, and it sickens me! I could NEVER do that to my own daughter, I could care less about the law, I would kill myself before I ever hurt my beautiful Laura, but Im a chronic masturbator (which I read was a common symptom survivors have to deal with). But when I masturbate, I often think, and even fantasize about my 35y/o mother, (not the 73 year old woman she is today). I have the most disgusting thoughts about what “I should have done to her”, or what i could have gotten away with doing to her, and i sometimes regret not trying! Worst of all I find myself masturbating to fantasies of my own daughter. I’m not sure what the rules are here, or what I can say about it. (Or even if I have the courage to fully admit what I think really about doing with my daughter, and some of the tongs ive done, involving her used underwear! which she wasn’t there, as again i could never hurt my little girl, the way my mom hut me! But i feel so guilty, and i hatve seen therapists but i have never been able to admit the things i think about my girl. Is this normal? Well obviously it’s not “normal, but is it a normal thing that survivors go through? Im sorry I was too ashamed to answer you back last year, but it’s taken me this long to to even face my perverse sexual desire of my teenage daughter, let alone come to terms with the fact that as much as I hated it, and hated her, I often longed for the times she would sneak into my bedroom and have sex with me, or just reach over on the couch and touch me! Hell at times I even said things like “oh god, please yes!” as she got so close to my penis, but only teased my by not touching me right away! She seemed to get off at me wanting her to touch me, but I was 14 to 15 when it really got started, and what 14/15yo boy wouldn't want a hand or blowjob or even a willing sexual partner? I always felt dirty and extremely guilty after it happened, but do I remember specifically wanting her to touch me before it happened, and especially being inside of her! How do I ever forgive myself, and how do I stop masturbating to my daughter’s used panties, and to images of my daughter, both on my phone, and in my head? is there hope? Will I ever be normal again?

LoneSheWolf wrote:Thank you Snaga for your kind and compassionate reply,

Perhaps my situation was uncommon in that I willingly sought out the sexual attention of my parents and was able to orgasm from much earlier than most. I know what my parents did was wrong but the shake I feel is based on society’s view of how I should feel . This is why I am so conflicted.

Because there were so many occurrences I have a lot of situations that I go to in my head when I’m masturbating. It makes me feel like a bad person, but it’s what is natural for me and I can’t see how that’s possible to reprogram?

I so appreciate your openness and bravery to share. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

Xx

You situation is not as unique as you believe! My mother abuse me starting at 14, after my dad left. I would wake up at first and believed I was having a wet dream, but as I woke the feelings were even stronger, and my mother was raping me. I hated it and her, but VERY long story I began seeking out this attention! I would basically come on to my mom, even begging her. To let me have sex with her once. I think she got off on the power and control side had on me! I would have don’t anything to feel her lips pressed against the base of my penis, or to watch. Her on top of me, as I thrusted inside my own mother! I first wrote about this a year ago, and it’s taken me this long to even return to the site! Today I have sexual fantasies about my own daughter, now i would NEVER hurt her the way my mother hurt me, but I fantasize about making my daughter, Laura my lover, annd almost daily! It REALLY bothers me. I even sank so low as to smell her used underwear while masturbating! I know I need help, but I’ve been to more therapists than I can remember, but I just can’t bring myself to tell them the truth! I’m literally THAT ashamed! So you are no where near alone my friend. I just wish I knew that there was help for me, because this guilt is really hurting me. Im actually afraid of being alone with my own daughter!
Respectfully, your friend Mark D

Mark over the last 10 years here I have usually had some advice no mater what comes up here. My first reaction was that you need some professional therapy. You say you have tried it, actually with several therapists. How full were you with your disclosure? As complete as you have been here ? What did they tell you to do? What suggestions did they make?

The authorities take people who flash and "peeping toms", very seriously. It is not in all cases but many move onto different forms of sexual assault. It is why I am asking about how much you disclosed and what was the advice.

Terry E. wrote:Mark over the last 10 years here I have usually had some advice no mater what comes up here. My first reaction was that you need some professional therapy. You say you have tried it, actually with several therapists. How full were you with your disclosure? As complete as you have been here ? What did they tell you to do? What suggestions did they make?

The authorities take people who flash and "peeping toms", very seriously. It is not in all cases but many move onto different forms of sexual assault. It is why I am asking about how much you disclosed and what was the advice.

To be fair, I did disclose that my mother abused me, and I managed to admit that it felt “physically” good as I told bot therapists I confided that part, but I could not bring myself to admit that I loved it, I wanted it, I enjoyed it, I would sit in school, and LONNG to have sex with my mom. In fact I would hope that she would have full vaginal sex, but I was more than satisfied if mom reached over and just started rubbing my penis, which always ended up with a hand-job. But the 2nd best thing she did was start with a HJ and move to a blow-job. I’ve never told anyone that. And I’ve certainly never told them about my sexual attraction to my daughter! They are mandatory reporters. If I say that I want to have sex with daughter, or that I smell her panties and masturbate… they’d call child protective services! And again to be clear, I would NEVER touch my daughter… EVER!

I wonder if- and I'm shooting from the hip and I'm pretty tired, at that, so maybe I'm talking out of my ass- but I'm wondering if these thoughts about your daughter, Mark, are some way of wanting to recapture the thrills you had from your mother. But since you can't be the child, it gets twisted the other way.

Or do you think it's just incest as a fetish? I am taking the assumption here that since you speak of your daughter- and not children in general- that this is incest-related specifically, and not tied to general pedophilia. Which is a verboten subject in PF, as we no longer have a paraphilias forum. The reason I've allowed this conversation to continue along these lines is in fact that I see this as an incest issue related to what your mom did. With this fascination as being peripheral to the topic, rather than the main topic itself.

Are you so sure this would be automatically reported? That seems a stretch to me- although that's me saying that from the outside- in your shoes I'd be similarly reluctant. But you're hardly the only parent to have ever fantasized about their child, surely. Yes, the panties thing is a bit.. creepy, to be blunt, but I mean, that's all it's been, a panty thing. Pretty sure I've done similar things with female relative's things when I was a young adult. I mean, guys can get pretty weird.

You've gone out of your way to remind us that you'd never touch your daughter. I believe you- but are you convincing us, or trying to reassure yourself? In the end, fantasizing is just that- fantasy. You're not an automaton, you have agency. And you know better than to do what your mom did. I just feel as if you need reminding of that and that you need to have faith in your own capacity for restraint. I'd really stop the panties thing, if it were me. But I wouldn't... I'd try not to go out of my way to fantasize about my daughter? but I wouldn't beat myself up over it, either. If it were me.