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I feel good thinking about my memories

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I feel good thinking about my memories

Postby melaniex » Sat Dec 04, 2021 6:32 am

Hi:

A few people suggested I post to express my experience that it might help me. I never had counseling or therapy. I am new here.

I don't think my childhood has been a negative experience for me, but have been thinking more about it recently and have developed a few addictions, pornography and masturbation I think from my experience as a child. I am 41 now, a professional, I think fairly well adjusted.

I don't have real early memories, just going back to when I was 6 years old. Reflecting on what happened to me, I realize now that my step father and his friend were very experienced with slow progressive grooming of an innocent child, where it all seemed so natural and normal for me for years. I have overall positive feelings about the experience, some things were tougher to go thru, but I sometimes masturbate to my memories and have strong orgasms when I do. And I have gone thru periods of intense and frequent sexual experiences with multiple men as an adult woman which I have enjoyed.

My step father started with me at bedtime, letting me rest in his arms as he read me a story, his hand slowly and gently moving to my thighs and inner thighs touching me lightly over my panties as he read me a story. I remember tingling and feeling nice and warm and safe, He did that for months before progressing to moving under my panties over a period of weeks and slowly touching me just a little at a time until his finger was moving along my sex as he read me a story. I remember moving my hips to feel his finger on me and feeling good about it. Then progressing where my panties were taken off my body and he would cradle me in his arms masturbating me and petting my hair and progressing to open mouth kissing me while touching my sex. I felt pretty, warm, and loved. He did this over a period of 8-12 months.Nothing more.

When I was 7 is when he showed me how hard and swollen he was and he began guiding my mouth down on him and taught me to take it in my mouth and receive his semen. I really did like it and didnt feel it was wrong. Even when he was aggressive with me. After about a year of that is when he convinced me to a play a game and he blind folded me and told me a friend was in the room and that I had to guess which one he was. They took turns touching me then took turns putting it in my mouth and ejaculating. I could immediately tell who was who, but I don't think that was the point of the game of course. I remember them taking photos of me blindfolded like that.

I started to feel used after that, it shifted a little more to them getting off with me, rather than me feeling good. I began to resist and it got a little more aggressive but I began to feel like I was riding a tiger and it was something I wanted to feel I could handle. I didnt want to make him angry or stop liking me.Thats when more photos were taken, I felt like a model and it was fun. During the poses he taught me to touch myself and thats when I started masturbating for them, and on my own quite a lot. He left me pornography to masturbate to and that was the genesis of my two addictions during that period of time. And I again started feeling good as I could masturbate when they didnt bother to touch me. Eventually it led to more involvement and penetration with both of them. I could go on but not sure the purpose of sharing the details.

Looking back on it, for me it was just a maturing process, a period of time of learning, when others would do the same in their teens or 20's I was just doing it earlier. He went so slow with me the first year it just got me so hooked on it I think.

For some reason the last 3-5 years my frequency of masturbation and addiction to pornography has intensified. I have had some changes in my life but I need to figure out how to cool myself off more and pace it. A friend suggested I try this forum to share and express my thoughts and feelings.

Anyways, thanks for listening!

Melanie
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Re: I feel good thinking about my memories

Postby Snaga » Sun Dec 05, 2021 1:12 am

Well I think if there was a manual for grooming, he could have written it.

melaniex wrote:Looking back on it, for me it was just a maturing process, a period of time of learning, when others would do the same in their teens or 20's I was just doing it earlier.


From the outside, that looks like the grooming talking. kids are supposed to go through that with their peers, not authority figures.

Have you considered counseling? I think it would be mighty helpful for you, especially as you seem to find yourself with intensifying needs for porn and masturbation, don't you think? You think yourself fairly well adjusted, but again, from the outside it would seem that's more you don't have any other childhood to compare it to, because again, groomed into it. While I feels it seems as if you've coped admirably with it, that's not necessarily the same thing as well adjusted. A therapist might be able to help you recognise ways in which your childhood affected you beyond the masturbation and pornography.

Note this isn't a judgement- nor do I fail to empathise about the 'good' aspects of the memories, and the physical pleasure- that's the insidiousness of child sexual abuse- sex feels good! It's not as if you're to blame for any of this, because you're not. I can well understand someone having fond memories of such experiences and that merely means you're human. Even so, it was still a gross violation of your childhood, and I don't think anyone can come out of that unscathed, because they had their childhood taken from them.
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Re: I feel good thinking about my memories

Postby Terry E. » Sun Dec 05, 2021 3:24 am

Met a friend here back in 2016 (we still exchange Christmas emails), who had been groomed from 13 up and wound up in unpaid sex work. (sure the boyfriend got paid). Started as fun and then got rougher more demanding and in the end brutal. Her home life was a failure and her mother highly promiscuous, so a terrible family model.

She got out changed life, married really great guy who loves her to death, great kids, lots of money, seen as a success. Then saw a trigger on TV and started a downward spiral. Needed sex several times a day and masturbated several more. Even said she had problems walking at times. She thought she had coped amazingly well, but was now losing control of her life.

When we started our self help group of two, one of the things she said sadly, was in related to her husband. "Who wants a woman that demands so much sex !!".

Living your life single may work now, but that lifestyle you are describing is going to keep pushing you to the fringes of society as you age. I think you need some balance.
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Re: I feel good thinking about my memories

Postby melaniex » Sun Dec 05, 2021 6:29 am

OK thank you for the advice. I think I will seek someone out to just talk this thru. I usually trust my inner voice on this. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share this. I think this forum is helpful.

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Re: I feel good thinking about my memories

Postby Chels91 » Sun Dec 05, 2021 2:24 pm

I’m pleased to see you’re finding this forum helpful now. I don’t think there’s much more I can add others haven’t already. I’ll just say that therapy is a great idea, though it can be a difficult step to take. It certainly was for me. I would encourage giving the blogs on this site a try. For me, it’s been great with venting any lingering memories I’ve been having and I feel it helped me ready myself for therapy. Maybe it will help you too.
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Re: I feel good thinking about my memories

Postby melaniex » Sun Dec 05, 2021 9:36 pm

Thanks I would love to try the blog, but this site wont let me do really anything including not able to view blogs or write in a blog, so I am not sure what you are referring to.

I think Ill move on and try to find another online site or resource that is not so locked down and restrictive. Its not really useful here anymore since I cant really do anything other then post my thoughts which I did in detail in a posting per your suggestion. So i guess I am done doing all the site can offer, unfortunately. With the pandemic I only want to do things online.

You have been kind to me and I wish you well.

xoxoxo
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Re: I feel good thinking about my memories

Postby Snaga » Tue Dec 07, 2021 12:00 am

Well, as I think I might have mentioned, restrictions get lifted- it just takes a little patience.
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Re: I feel good thinking about my memories

Postby Chels91 » Tue Dec 07, 2021 1:25 pm

I hate to see you give up on this place so quickly. Maybe try posting more replies on other people’s posts? That’s what I did when I first came here and before I knew it, I had access to more features. I hope you reconsider.
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