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childhood enjoyment

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childhood enjoyment

Postby wildwest » Thu Oct 28, 2021 5:59 pm

not sure how much to write about my childhood. but basically at 9 years of age my cub leader starter to pay me a lot of attention. i enjoyed it and maybe encouraged it. it turned sexual, i didnt dislike it and enjoyed it. i found it curious and enjoyed the feelings. i looked forward to being alone with him knowing what would happen. it lasted until i was around 14, i think i became to old for him. but my problems came in my adult life when i realised what i was doing wasnt socially ecceptable. and then the guilt and shame starts. i hate feeling guilty and shameful for something i enjoyed. i still masterbate to those memories. i feel like a freak. i have never talked to anyone about this.
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Re: childhood enjoyment

Postby Snaga » Thu Oct 28, 2021 6:45 pm

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

I don't think you're as freakish as you're feeling. I was groomed as a young teen, and my thoughts have often strayed back to that over the decades. Because things are pleasurable, we don't necessarily have the emotional disgust to abuse, than we do in an intellectual sense. At least, that's my experience. It's bothersome to not know whether you should hate your abuser, or wish there had been more, and feel both emotions in quick succession. I often ponder if I had a time machine, would I go back to prevent my groomer from approaching me? Or give him tips on what he did wrong! Would that make me an accessory to corrupting myself? I've often hated him, and just as often desired him.

I think your experience is far from uncommon for victims of child sexual abuse.
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Re: childhood enjoyment

Postby wildwest » Fri Oct 29, 2021 7:24 pm

hey, thanks Snaga for that. never expected that type of response. i expected negative responses and i was totally alone in my childhood experiences. you raise some interesting questions. should i hate my abuser or wish there was more? i can remember looking at other men in a sexual way from a very young age. so i guess i wish there had been more, i could never hate my abuser/lover/boyfriend. as for the time machine question and if i could go back to change things. i have never regretted meeting him. he was someone who brought me happiness in my childhood. i never felt loved or wanted at home. he made me feel special in lots of different ways, not just in a sexual way, but in other ways to. being taken out, treated to nice things. just thinking about and writing these few words about him brings a smile to my face. but there is always that underlying feeling of shame for enjoying what i did.
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Re: childhood enjoyment

Postby Snaga » Fri Oct 29, 2021 8:49 pm

Well I think the shame is understandable, but misplaced. I think maybe it stems from the fact that we understand what abusers do is wrong- it doesn't matter if it feels good or not, doesn't matter if they fill a hole that we have in our lives- An adult or much older person (enough to create a power/authority balance) or for that matter an authority figure that does this is a sexual predator, full stop. But it's hard to reconcile that when the urge to merge is awoken. While I might have fantasies about my pederast, it doesn't mean I wouldn't go back in time and kick his ass for all the bad touches he must have inflicted on various boys for God knows how long. It's heinous to steal a child's innocence, what little of it might exist.

I can't say I feel shame for thinking and wanting more to have happened- at least, not consciously. I just find it aggravating. I'm bisexual- I think I would have been bisexual no matter what- but I can't know with for certainty because a man came along and hijacked my normal sexual development. And I get to live with it, and with not knowing how much of an effect it has on me, for my entire life. No adult has the right to do that to a youngster. Jesus said "If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea." I think that's a waste of a good millstone...
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Re: childhood enjoyment

Postby Snaga » Fri Oct 29, 2021 8:53 pm

Just a clarification that the shame is misplaced because it's not our fault. Even if a youngster thinks they initiate it, it takes two to tango- and if the child doesn't know better, well, the adult does, and should nip it in the bud. But again, that's not uncommon from what I understand: I asked for it. I deserved it. etc etc etc. No.
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Re: childhood enjoyment

Postby melaniex » Wed Dec 08, 2021 1:01 pm

I am sorry you are experiencing this. I would not tell you what to do as I am not a therapist but I felt similarly but for brief periods of time. I am sure you were a good boy just like I was a good girl. We just experienced adult sexual activity early in our lives.

I was sexually involved with two men at a very young age and who liked to play with my body, masturbating on me, posing me with their semen on my body, penetrating my mouth and body, making me look "pretty" for the camera, and while it was not hurtful most of the time to me physically,I did have brief periods of sorrow and shame as i grew older. The way I coped with it is I began recondition my thoughts and body as I masturbated to my memories using masturbation to replace any negative feelings about what happened. I also associate myself with positive people and I wake each day to feel good and stay on the bright side. I do masturbate too much now remembering and enjoy pornography a little too much but i feel good everyday.

I try to shed specific memories of the past but remember what i want to remember and the other things begin to fade away. Time for me as been a good friend. And I try to feel pleasure each day.

I wish you well going forward. I think you will be ok.
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Re: childhood enjoyment

Postby Stacey94 » Mon Dec 13, 2021 12:29 am

Being a naturist from a small age my parents always attempted to explain the right and wrong actions of others.

I had a couple encounters that seemed innocent but now when I look back were inappropriate. I also wish I had a time machine to educate the people who acted innapropriate.

I did speak to one person that attempted to groom me until my parents intervened and she had no ill intentions, rather as she explained false signals from me and lapse in judgement. She went on to say that her intentions were due to instant attraction where she felt compelled to start a friendship.

Adults in a place of trust and authority should never break that bond.

I understand both sides but the victim should never feel ashamed of actions of others.
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Re: childhood enjoyment

Postby Samson360 » Wed Dec 22, 2021 7:25 pm

I too began being paid a lot of attention by my adult cousin and I was a very shy little boy had nine years old. He gain my trust enough that we began taking showers together and although at nine years old I didn't really have much of a sex drive and didn't have much between my legs, I did really enjoy seeing my cousins very large penis and all his pubic hair. I felt really special that I could be naked with my cousin and I didn't see anything wrong when he coaxed me into his bed, both of us in our underwear. He removed his underwear and I of course did the same thing. He put my hands on his really large erect penis and I did enjoy that feeling and I didn't want to please him. He would also spread my legs and rub my genitals but I don't remember getting an erection but I know that it felt good. There was no ana sex but after a while I did begin to get erections, not very big of course. So he got me to lay on top of him and rub our genitals together and he then put my penis in his mouth and I reluctantly did the same to him but again I did enjoy it. After the molestation ended at 11 years old, my best friend and some other boys get naked in the woods and we do the same sort of things to each other. I know that even though I got pleasure to a point from my grown cousin, it messed up my idea of normal girl/boy relationships and I have, even though dated girls I reviewed having a fixation with naked man and especially naked boys. I loved showering with the other boys after swimming class. Since I was a really small boy I hated wearing clothes and would be naked as often as I could and it was better when I was with my friends make it as well. I had a very small penis but my best friend had a really large one and we would get naked and masturbate each other and there was nothing wrong with that at all. I am still today dealing with the molestation but have gotten past it as best I can....
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