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Groomed By My Adopted Father **TW**

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Groomed By My Adopted Father **TW**

Postby phoenix002 » Mon Oct 11, 2021 9:43 pm

**trigger warning**

Me and my twin sister were adopted by our aunt and uncle at the age of 5. My Aunt was my biological mother's sister, and my uncle was just married into the family. My biological mom was around 16 when she had us, and was addicted to meth. So, we were living with my grandmother at the time.

Apparently my sister had more abuse at an early age, she says hers started around 7 or 8, when mine was around 9 or 10. I'll tell my story, and not my sister's. I'm going to start at the first instance that I remember. I was on the tractor with my dad, and I was sitting on his lap, and he had grabbed me by my crotch, and pulled me up. I remember thinking, "Hey! Don't touch me there!" Like I had learned in elementary school, but then I just thought that it was an accident, so I didn't say anything. I was around 8 at this time.

At age 9, me and my sister made a family album of all of us together, I took my dad into the back to show him, he loved it. He got me to walk on the tops of his feet, like a little kid would. He then walked me over to the couch and laid on top of me. I couldn't move. I said, "I dropped my shoe, I have to get it," He said, "Do you really need it at a time like this?" Then, he got off of me and we went and sat at the back table eating bacon. I was spaced off and staring thinking about what just happened, and he asked if I was ok, and I said yes. He was acting like that hadn't even happened.

The next time I remember was he took me and my sister on a back country camping trip in Kentucky. We were ten. I remember me and her were setting up the tent, and he was on the outside, he said, "Leave all the sleeping bags unzipped." We didn't know why. But, he had said it very angrily when we asked, so we listened. That night, he tried to spoon me, but i purposefully rolled off the bed, and continued to sleep. The next night, he placed my hand on his penis, and it began to move. In my 9 or 10 year old mind, I had no idea what a penis was, I thought it was a worm or something moving. So, I pretended to wake up from a nightmare, and I was crying, I made up a fake dream. Instead of taking care of me through the "dream", he took me outside and have me sit in his lap as we looked at the stars. He began to lightly touch under my breasts and around my pelvis.

We left the trip early, I don't know why. Then, when we were around 11 or 12, we all went to a cabin, it had 2 bedrooms, we were planning on staying for like three or four days, but the first night, he said that one of us had to sleep with him , and we said no, we are going to sleep together. (Me and my sister) He got pissed, and we left that day.

I don't remember much happening after that, until I was about 13, or 14, my baby brother was born and my dad would take me and my sister into the basement to hug us for a long period of time. He would press me up against the counter, and tell me I was pressing on him back. I would scream and cry and say, "Why would I do that?!", "That is sick!!" And he would say it's ok, and I would go upstairs.
He would make me sit on top of him, and I would shake out of fear. He kept saying the reason I was shaking was because I wanted him.. We would go on family vacations and stuff, and he would still hug me and my sister. When I was in eighth grade, he pulled up my shirt and kissed my breasts, he said, "Let me go 'down there' " And I said no, and was horrified that he asked that, and he fell on the ground and cried that no one loved him.

Around 14, he took me and my sister to Vermont, we stayed in a cabin. We all slept in different bed rooms, exept we would have to take turns sleeping in the bed with my dad. He convinced me to smoke weed that night, I was scared because I thought I would get addicted, but I did it anyways because he said i could trust him. That was the first time he tried anything. That night, he tried to get me to get naked and get in the hot tub, I wouldnt do it. Then, I noticed he was video recording me with his Go Pro, I got freaked out, he said that it was to show my sister that weed wasnt bad.

BOGUS. He was trying to get me NAKED and on video. He then took me upstairs, and made me sit on the bed, and he said just look at it. He took his pants off, then he forced my eyes open, and made me look at his penis. Then, he pushed my head into him, and made me open my mouth and suck on him. I still had braces and glasses.

He later climbed on top of me and tried to eat me out, but I was screaming and crying for him to stop, he did. But he later was crying and said, "UGGGHHHH Take your pants off sweetheart, you gave me blue balls!!! Let me put it in you!" I cried even more. And said no. I waited until he fell asleep, and I put my clothes back on, went to sleep with my sister, and in the morning, crawled back in the bed with my dad so he didn't know I was gone.

Apparently, he did worse to my sister. He held her down on the bed and just stared at her naked body. I heard them in the living room that night, she was crying and when I went to look, I heard my dad's belt jingle, like it was moving around, and then he was just sitting there, and my sister was wiping her tears. I'm assuming, he was forcing her to suck his dick too.

That was 13 or 14, in the winter time. In the summer, he was still hugging us and pressing himself against us, and even buying us underwear to wear. Like sexy thongs. I would say that they made me itch, and then go change. Just because I didn't want to wear underwear that looked like that and that my dad bought me. He took us to the lake when we were around 14, and we stayed in a motel. He bought me and my sis a six pack of beer, and we went for a drive, and me and her satin the backseat and he made us smoke a bowl of weed.

My sister was crying because she was scared and didn't want to. Later on that night, I had drank the beer, and was drunk, I remember him saying, "Do you want to make love to me?" And I said, "Yes. "At 14 years old, I said yes to having sex with a 40 something year old man.

I have no idea why I said yes that night. But, he would say that if I told anyone, no one would love me, and that no one could love me like him. And that my whole family was gong to judge me. He pulled me and my sister out of school, and we were homeschooled. We weren't allowed to have boyfriends or date. And if he found out that we did, he would ground us, or scream at us.

I forgot to mention when we were younger, he would put our hair in ponytails, and we were only allowed to dress sporty or country, and we couldn't wear makeup or bras.

Anyways, he ended up having sex with my sister too. It was a weird love triangle, I had become his perfect woman, he made me into the same sexual things he wanted, and I dressed and acted the way he wanted me to because he was the only person that I spent anytime around. I was literally perfect for him. We both believed we were in love with him at 14!

He would make me convince my sister to stay with him, because if it couldn't be the three of us, then it couldn't be any of us. And because I believed I loved him, I would do that.
At around 17, my sister met someone online, and she ended up moving out, I had a secret boyfriend also, and I would sneak out to see him, I ended up breaking up with him for my dad.

My sister was gone, and my whole life was controlled by my dad, we would leave every weekend, and spend all of our time together, I believed we were meant for each other. I had become his perfect woman. Whatever he wanted me to do. I wasn't allowed to go and live at college because he said I would loose him, and I couldn't get my license, or a job. Because he could take me everywhere and provide for me.

I never saw the outside world, and he had made me to believe that I would never be loved by anyone other than him. He was arrested recently and I thought my world was over.

The person I was wasn't me, it was him. And now I'm lost and I don't know who I really am, my whole life was a lie, it was fake, and now I have to find myself again.

We had a sexual relationship kept secret from everyone until I was 18 years old. I was made to believe that I was in love with this monster. It literally was him having sex with me and me thinking I was in love with this fat old man. He would let me smoke cigarettes and drink tequila, we were in love. He said that I was the only "real' woman he had been with. We even had rings that we wore.

Now, I have no idea what I was thinking! It was sick, but he made me think that. There is no way a 14 year old girl is going to have sex with a 40 something year old fat man unless they were manipulated. But, I was completely broken when he was arrested, and lost, I drank a lot, lied about what happened, smoked a lot of weed, and hangout with the WRONG people.

I have now found Jesus, and possibly my soulmate. But, he says that I'm sick for what happened, and hen I try to explain it to him it turns into an argument, and he doesn't understand. I don't know how to make him understand. He says there's no way I couldn't have known better and that he's hurting because of what I did, and that he deserves better than the choices I made. Now I don't know what to do.
Last edited by Snaga on Tue Oct 12, 2021 2:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: moved to Sexual Abuse & Incest, trigger warnings added
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Re: Groomed By My Adopted Father **TW**

Postby Snaga » Tue Oct 12, 2021 2:41 pm

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

I'm sorry this had to happen to you, I was partially groomed by a stranger; the betrayal of trust when it's a family member is, to me, just that much more terrible than what happened to myself as a young teenager.

I'm curious to know where your aunt was when this was going on?
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Re: Groomed By My Adopted Father **TW**

Postby Terry E. » Tue Oct 12, 2021 8:55 pm

Welcome. I'll come back to this later, early morning here, but you were 14 !!!

Many 13-14 year olds think they are mature but they are not, and know very little of the real world. That is how life works. Later in life you will see what happened for what it was. Very sorry for you, you deserved better.

I am sorry about this but you may not have found your soul mate yet.
This all happened before him, he should feel hurt for you. He seems to be making it about him. May have some red flags there.
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Re: Groomed By My Adopted Father **TW**

Postby Snaga » Wed Oct 13, 2021 1:17 am

Terry E. wrote:This all happened before him, he should feel hurt for you. He seems to be making it about him. May have some red flags there.


Terry's kinder than I am about it. But before I go on about what my old man response would be, perhaps it'd be useful to know how old the b/f is.... at the least, it's sounding as if he's not mature enough for this, in my opinion. And that's me cutting him some slack.
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Re: Groomed By My Adopted Father **TW**

Postby phoenix002 » Wed Oct 13, 2021 2:06 am

My aunt had NO idea, my dad had made her believe nothing was going on for almost five years. My current boyfriend is 28, and he says that he is hurting for what happened to me. And that he doesn’t understand my part in it and that I’m sick. He says that he deserves better than my choices. And he keeps telling me to go into detail about it all. I can’t and I can’t remember specifics!! I don’t know what to say to him. He says he can’t be with me unless I give him a better reason that me just being manipulated. What do I do?

He is a young 28 and inexperienced of real life. I think you need to quietly let him go and do it quietly as he may try and burn you. Yep betray trust as he thinks he has been hurt !!

Among my friends we know that the easiest way to loose a friend is tell them about our abuse. The expression on their face usually imitates someone sucking a lemon and hoping the ground would open up below them and swallow them. The more they know us the more it hurts to hear it. We have had women in their 50s hear who have never told their husbands, but who worked out something was wrong.

That is what counsellors are for and .. well people like us here.

I will not sugar-coat it, but stories like yours, here, don't drop here every week or even every month, but we have heard stuff people struggle to believe. (my own life for eg).
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Re: Groomed By My Adopted Father **TW**

Postby Terry E. » Wed Oct 13, 2021 3:29 am

phoenix002 wrote:

The person I was wasn't me, it was him. And now I'm lost and I don't know who I really am, my whole life was a lie, it was fake, and now I have to find myself again.




What you wrote is very powerful. It is what I thought, when I started putting the puzzle together.

I have read everything you wrote. He was a very bad selfish man. You were a child and were more than just groomed you were trapped. (When you have a moment read about Stockholm Syndrome - and Patti Hearst).

I am not sure how old you are but judging by your boyfriend I am guessing twenties. Did your step Dad getting arrested act as a wake call to reassess everything ?

I heard some anger there. Many people think we should have happy thoughts and forgive. Personally anger is not a bad thing as long as it does not turn inwards and become self destructive. I hope your new friends can support you even if they do not know your story. Alcohol and drugs make us feel OK but harm us more than help us. Please remember that.

You got a very bad deal, with your Mum and then him and your aunt although it does appear he was very careful initially. He had a plan with you two, from very early on. He must have thought it was Christmas when you moved in. He was doing this for a very long time. You resisted for so very long, you really did, eventually people cave in. That is what they learned with torture after WWII. Isolate and then befriend is much more damaging and character changing than physical pain. (many Germans who went through this with the Russians, considered their interrogators as their true friends even when they were being blindfolded for the firing squad). Wish your boyfriend was old enough to realise that.

Also look up attachment theory sometime, as it is a part of healthy growing and you and me both missed it.
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Re: Groomed By My Adopted Father **TW**

Postby Snaga » Thu Oct 14, 2021 12:35 am

phoenix002 wrote: He says that he deserves better than my choices. And he keeps telling me to go into detail about it all. I can’t and I can’t remember specifics!! I don’t know what to say to him. He says he can’t be with me unless I give him a better reason that me just being manipulated. What do I do?


You give him exactly what he thinks he deserves, and you drop him like a hot potato. I can deal with the idea of him being upset- even with him having trouble understanding. But that attitude? He needs to find a perfect partner out there, and good luck to him on managing that.

Now- tell me- everyone is still alive? Your aunt as well? Is they still a couple? For your anonymity's sake, please don't tell us the details of your uncle's arrest, but did it have anything to do with sex? A simple Yes or No will suffice....
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Re: Groomed By My Adopted Father **TW**

Postby phoenix002 » Fri Oct 15, 2021 9:36 pm

Ok, so my dad got arrested, they cant get a divorce because of reasons I don't know. But they aren't together, and they haven't been for almost five years. And yes, he had three charges against him, times two because he did it to us both, so we are looking at six charges, all about sexual things.
He will probably get thirty years, to life... rape, incest, and child molestation...
Is there any tips of what I should do with my bf? I want him to understand, but I guess he thinks its my fault... and he keeps saying I'm a little girl because I let it happen and that I'm weak, so every time I feel strong, he says, oh you think your tough??! and then he brings up what happened and then forces me to admit that I'm weak and not tough.

Also, thank you for your comments..
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Re: Groomed By My Adopted Father **TW**

Postby Snaga » Sun Oct 17, 2021 2:55 am

phoenix002 wrote:Is there any tips of what I should do with my bf? I want him to understand, but I guess he thinks its my fault... and he keeps saying I'm a little girl because I let it happen and that I'm weak, so every time I feel strong, he says, oh you think your tough??! and then he brings up what happened and then forces me to admit that I'm weak and not tough.


phoenix002 wrote:Is there any tips of what I should do with my bf?


Dump him.

phoenix002 wrote: he keeps saying I'm a little girl because I let it happen and that I'm weak, so every time I feel strong, he says, oh you think your tough??! and then he brings up what happened and then forces me to admit that I'm weak and not tough.


A man worth keeping doesn't act like that. I can understand being unable to understand. I can understand a man struggling to deal with the fact his woman isn't his idea of 'pristine'. But the above is unacceptable. That is not a 'keeper'. That's someone who sounds as if they're going to use what happened to you, to control you. You get what you tolerate; you need to not tolerate this.
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Re: Groomed By My Adopted Father **TW**

Postby Terry E. » Mon Oct 18, 2021 2:48 am

Snaga wrote:

A man worth keeping doesn't act like that. I can understand being unable to understand. I can understand a man struggling to deal with the fact his woman isn't his idea of 'pristine'. But the above is unacceptable. That is not a 'keeper'. That's someone who sounds as if they're going to use what happened to you, to control you. You get what you tolerate; you need to not tolerate this.



Phoenix please remember what Snag has written.

At a time when you should have been young and carefree you were unable to escape the inevitable. As a survivor myself I find what he says is repugnant and arrogant. No one who has not been trapped can know how you felt and what you did to survive. Could you have run away? To whom ? Was there no one seeing this? Funny how that is so often the case of people who knew or shoudl have known
turning away.

As a survivor we often feel guilt, we ruminate that I should have been able to do something, why did it happen to me. Always remember it was not your fault, never your fault and the last thing you ever need to heal is someone blaming you for being abused. (can you imagine someone shot by a random shooter and being told 'Well your fault for going to the mall that day")

Next thing is that what you have been through damages your self esteem and confidence. You are worth much more than him.

I have been here for 8 years. What I see again and again is two scenarios. Survivors hooking up with other survivors, (which is tough but can work) and sex abuse survivors continuing to move into abusive relationships. Also sex abuse survivors get raped way more than non survivors, and that is all about getting signals wrong, wrong body language, wrong personal proximity, one girl here said it was like she had a rotating beacon on her head.

I think you need time to work out stuff more than you need companionship right now, and I think your current guy is hurting you more than helping you.

Sorry I guess it is not what you want to hear, but Snags nailed it so well.
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