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MDSA

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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MDSA

Postby Hurting1 » Thu Sep 16, 2021 7:23 pm

I believe my mom sexually abused me. I remember when I was around 4 or 5 she would play this game with me that she called The Rain. It was always after my bath. She would put a towel on the bathroom floor and have me lay on it holding my legs up behind my knees. She would put a washcloth in hot water and lather it in Irish spring soap. She would clean my vagina harshly for what seemed like a long time and then I would get physical reactions from it. I would feel warm and tingly and I remember my hymen would pulsate.
I had my sister confront my mom about this because I had to remove her from my life for being toxic and emotionally abusive and my mom said I’m very over sensitive and that she didn’t mean anything sexual from it. But as a child I remember it being a game and I would always look forward to The Rain. I don’t understand how it’s not sexual. This has been deeply distressing and confusing. I have anxiety thinking about it and I even get physical responses by the intrusive memories. She did other disturbing things to me as I got older but I honestly need to know of this sounds like sexual abuse. And I need to understand why a mother would sexually abuse her daughter.
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Re: MDSA

Postby Snaga » Thu Sep 16, 2021 9:15 pm

Hello, and welcome to the forum!

I wonder if your mother had a.. negative self-image of female genitalia? I think I can see it not being overtly sexual, as in her (or your) sexual gratification, but... do you know much about how she was raised? To me, this conveys an appearance that maybe she thought sex and/or the female anatomy was 'dirty'.

Whatever, it sure doesn't sound normal. I was a little boy, so I can't speak from a place of direct empathy, but I sure don't remember my momma paying any more than necessary attention to my bits- and at four or five, there was a neighbor girl my age or maybe a year younger, that my mom occasionally babysitted- and probably the girl's momma kept me on occasion... I have distinct memories of taking a bath with this little girl on at least one occasion, and at no time did my momma pay undue attention to anyone's bits- mine or the little girl's. All I remember is I had something the little girl didn't and she had something I didn't and it was mildly curious.

So yeah- whatever else, that's not normal as far as I'm concerned.
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Re: MDSA

Postby Hurting1 » Thu Sep 16, 2021 9:45 pm

Yeah, I don’t think it was normal and it has been really difficult to comprehend why my own mom did that to me but not my other 3 sisters.
I talked to my therapist about this and she said my mom sounds narcissistic but it still doesn’t give me the understanding of how that has to do with SA your own daughter. Turning it into a game is also another questionable aspect of this and having a name for it seems really weird. My mom is a very sexual person and openly and proudly says she has a dirty mind and is perverted. I’m becoming more triggered by those intrusive memories though. What’s worse is that those memories will cause me to have a reflexive physical reaction as if I’m experiencing the same feelings that occurred to me when I was being abused. Is that reaction even common or heard of from flashbacks? I feel so disgusted for having that reaction and the memories happen to me sometimes multiple times a day. I think I’m at the point where I want to get ECT to forget my entire past.
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Re: MDSA

Postby Snaga » Fri Sep 17, 2021 4:14 am

Hurting1 wrote:Yeah, I don’t think it was normal



Not in the least.

Hurting1 wrote:difficult to comprehend why my own mom did that to me but not my other 3 sisters.
.......... Turning it into a game is also another questionable aspect of this and having a name for it seems really weird. My mom is a very sexual person and openly and proudly says she has a dirty mind and is perverted.


Almost as if she singled you out to... make you hypersexual? A 'mini me'?

Hurting1 wrote:What’s worse is that those memories will cause me to have a reflexive physical reaction as if I’m experiencing the same feelings that occurred to me when I was being abused. Is that reaction even common or heard of from flashbacks? I feel so disgusted for having that reaction and the memories happen to me sometimes multiple times a day. I think I’m at the point where I want to get ECT to forget my entire past.


It's probably pretty common. We carry our abuse with us. I've traded fantasies (not in a salacious way) with a survivor of adult date rape (she was drugged). I was at the least, fondled (sometimes I think there is more I don't remember but after so many years who knows) by a pederast when I was 12 or 13- I have male bits, by the way, Tinkerbell notwithstanding- anyway she and I both detailed (again, not salaciously) and shared with each other, how we both still have strong fantasies and sexual desires based on our respective sexual abuse. Hers to be helplessly used, mine to be further groomed and used.

I can't say I have a specific physical sensation associated with an adult man repeatedly having his hands down my pants touching my wiener as if it were a perfectly normal thing to do- but I do recall finally responding to his grooming by wanting very, very badly for him to do me (didn't happen and I'm both relieved and frustrated by that at the same time). And I still have that urge, even though that is 45 years in the rearview mirror. I hate and desire what he did to me, at the same time.

Your mother did something pleasurable. Right or wrong, sexual stimulation is sexual stimulation- and you were a child, and this was your momma, and it felt good, so I think it's not at all remarkable that it still produces a response in you. Lucky you, if it didn't, I suppose- but I don't think it's remarkable. It's also not a judgement on you- it's conditioning, is what it is. You're not a bad person for having those responses. The person who did wrong was your mother- your body just responds the way it's wired to.

I don't think too much of my own love/hate mental relationship with my abuser. I guess I've accepted that I'll always carry it with me. I no longer feel much self-disgust for feeling the things I do- I used to. And I'm bisexual- I think I was, to begin with, but this certainly didn't help me to discover my own sexuality, on my own, did it? And so disgust with the urges my pederast programmed into me, coupled with a lot of self-disgust at my sexuality, means I spent a lot of years hating my libido. After this long, it's just more kind of like meh, whatever. Is what it is, thanks for messing my life up, dude.

ECT might help, never know till you try. I do wish that you find a way to stop being disgusted with yourself, however- I feel as if that's unfair to yourself, and undeserved. You remember something that was sexual in nature, and as a kid when you don't yet have the tools to deal with it, it's got to be a very powerful thing, so... I don't blame you for having responses, and I don't think you should blame yourself for having them.
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Re: MDSA

Postby aubesu2 » Sun Sep 26, 2021 9:02 pm

So sorry this has happened to you, and I am glad you are getting Therapy.

You Mother response to your revelation was pathological, and I would think your Therapist is likely right in saying she probably is a Narcissist.

And I need to understand why a mother would sexually abuse her daughter.


Close to me is someone whose father was a Narcissist. As a child, from the time she 3 years old or so and had a stable sleep routine, her Father would not let her sleep without his permission. He would wake her up, keep her awake, and prevent her from sleeping until she gave him attention and what he wanted. She recalls him smiling/laughing while doing this. The idea was to ingrain within her that he was her top priority, over sleep and anything else, including bodily functions. I think he repeated this in other areas, like using the bathroom, punishing her if she wet herself.

That she was able to achieve a modicum of success in anything in Life is an absolute miracle- her father was her instinctive priority. Fortunately he has died, but now she is left to pick up pieces that just aren’t there- she is just coming to the quite angry realization of what is her life. She has never been in a romantic relationship, her career is unfulfiling, and in many ways she is isolated. Yet, she will still wake up in a panic, wondering if she forgot to do something for her father.

So if your mother really is a Narcissist, she sexually abused you because it aggrandized her Ego, and in a pathological way, it likely continues to aggrandize her Ego when you tell her about it. For a Narcissist, the choice between Ego and respecting/valuing anyone else is no choice at all, even if it’s his or her own daughter..... you having intrusive thoughts was likely at some level what she intended.

Plus, if you were the youngest (or considered “special”), your mere existence threatened to take attention away from her, unless any attention you took away returned right back to her.

My two cents. Take with a grain of salt, but I do hope it helps and not hinders.
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