Our partner

Maternal Incest Of Son

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

Moderators: Terry E., Snaga

Forum rules
You are entering a forum that contains discussions of abuse, some of which are explicit in nature. The topics discussed may be triggering to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum. If you are posting about actions of yours which you feel are/were abusive please post about this in The Remorse Forum. If you have been falsely accused of abusing someone please post in the For Those Falsely Accused of Abusing thread.

Please also note that discussions about Incest in this forum are only in relation to abuse. Discussions about Incest in a non-abusive context are not allowed at PsychForums.

Thank you for your cooperation.

The Mod Team

Maternal Incest Of Son

Postby MEANIMA77 » Fri Jul 23, 2021 10:49 pm

Hello Everyone,

My partner was raped by his mother throughout his childhood. he told me this a few months into our relationship. He didn't like to talk about the abuse when I attempted to bring it up, after that.

He began to spend more and more time on the computer, what seemed like a distraction and blocking me out. I felt he was beginning to resent me and our relationship for what it forced him to face.

I felt uncomfortable instigating anything sexual. Questioning if even he knew how he liked to be touched, what felt "right". I tried to suppress my own sexual needs and thoughts, not wanting him to feel pressure... What had he been thinking about when we had been intimate in the past? Was he forcing himself into a sexual dynamic, the way he had been forced as a child? Perhaps repeating a dynamic that was subconsciously most familiar? My mind wondered down paths, endlessly.

I often think we'd be better of as friends. But, most importantly just want to be there to support him. I love and care about him so much. I think he wants to tell his dad, but is scared of causing stress/upheaval. His mother and father are no longer together and she lives far away. I see her pictures on social media, smiling, around other family members children, living what seems to be an unfazed existence. It kills me to know she could get away with what she has done, never having to confront the pain she has caused.

When I expressed my outrage to my partner, he seemed numb/ complacent, and content with the idea that maybe one day she'd come to him with remorse.

I want someone to stand up for him for ONCE! FOR HIM TO STAND UP FOR HIMSELF ! TO take back his power and autonomy!!! AND The LIFE she drains from him...

The past few months have been a rollercoaster of emotion. I don't want to bombard him anymore... it's his healing journey. I thought writing something/reaching out would curb myself for the time being.

I'd appreciate any sharing on experience with this subject,
THANK YOU !,
W/ love a l w a y s
Last edited by Terry E. on Sun Jul 25, 2021 4:22 am, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: all-caps removed from title, no other edits
MEANIMA77
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2021 10:42 pm
Local time: Mon Sep 27, 2021 4:13 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Maternal Incest Of Sun

Postby Snaga » Sat Jul 24, 2021 8:13 pm

Hello, and welcome!

Does he seem more than vaguely disturbed about it? I've run into people, here and elsewhere, who were sexually abused by a parent from an early age for whom it was fairly normalised for them- they understood that most families Do Not Do That, but they also didn't feel the outrage you or I would feel at the idea. Some of them still having sexual relations with the parent, even, as adults.
Image

Tell someone today you love them, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 18231
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Local time: Sun Sep 26, 2021 11:13 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Maternal Incest Of Sun

Postby Terry E. » Sun Jul 25, 2021 4:21 am

Yeah, Snags is right we had one poster who is in a long term relationship of sorts with her dad that started when her mum died when she was about 12. We can see from the outside what she will lose in her life, but she saw it differently.

I am extreme / long term physical, so my case is different. But from talking to friends some of who were extreme sexual,I have also found that, no matter whether abuser is male, female sex or physical violence we all share things in common.

It is a HUGE thing to tell someone of abuse. Most of us will not share that until we have locked that special someone into a relationship and hope they will not run for the hills when we tell them. Abuse has many effects, but we become nails. We are different. We have secrets. We spend time as children worrying about being found out. We at a very young age see what happens to nails (they get hammered). We become good at lying. We often learn to disassociate (though not sure in his case). At some point we feel shame, and are often made to feel that what is happening is our fault. It can take decades to feel it was never our fault. Intellectually we know that, but it does not change how we feel.

Reason I said this is to show how big his opening up to you was.

At times I had to try and explain to my wife, why I am like I am. Unlike you, she blocks out the details, but at times when she sees more of it (when I do interviews) she gets incredibly angry and wants to go to the nursing home and physically attack a 96 year old woman. But nothing in my life would change.

If you confronted his mother, it only puts him in the terrible position of asking himself what he has probably asked hundreds, if not thousands of times. "Why didn't I do something, why didn't I tell someone, what is wrong with me?? Why did I not run away, etc etc.

The reality was the difference in power is so great, he could do nothing. It was the people around him who let him down. In the vast majority of sex abuse cases in the home, the partner either knows what is happening, should know, or the relationship is that dysfunctional there is secondary damage to the child happening anyway.

I and many of my friends are high functioning, but have only archived that by putting it in a box and closing the lid. I have lots of quirks, most of which no one notices. They varied from standing on the edges of my feet (now gone) replaced with body scratching, but only at home, shoelaces that could never be properly tied, and I am sure many others I cannot see. At times I can now see in that box, but it has always caused me enormous pain when someone has tried to open it.

I know you may feel that if only you understood better you could help him. Maybe leaving him to work through it one day, himself is best.

As to how to proceed with intimacy going forward, maybe just go back to where you were and move forward with it with confidence that you are a very, very special in his life. Don't try and second guess it, and let him leave it in that box for now.
Terry E.
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 1818
Joined: Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:22 am
Local time: Mon Sep 27, 2021 4:13 am
Blog: View Blog (1)


Return to Sexual Abuse and Incest Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Manning112 and 253 guests