Grief over being scapegoat, and death of abusers

I'm not really sure where this post goes. It covers grief, sexual abuse and being scapegoated, death of my abuser, and betrayal by my entire family. I'm putting it here in the incest forum because I think that'll cause the least amount of upset for people who may not be expecting the mention of sexual abuse.
I am grieving very heavily over the loss of my entire family. My dad died a few years ago, and that hurts so much I can hardly stand it. We didn't get along, and he was very abusive to my brothers and I growing up. I hated that, but I still loved him. At his funeral and around it, I had to be around my older brothers who molested and raped me repeatedly growing up, and that was hard and upsetting for me. Then one of them committed suicide a few months after my dad died. He was a vicious person, and I'm relieved that he can't hurt anyone else ever again, but I'm also sad about and for him. For the little boy he was before he was turned into a monster. I guess the complicated nature of the whole thing just makes this grieving thing really hard for me.
My family has always put pressure on me to keep my mouth shut about the incest, and sexual abuse. My oldest brother, who is still alive, is the 'golden child' to my mother and our stepmom. They protect and defend him, and seem to almost worship him. he can do no wrong. in their minds. I've had to walk away from everyone who's left, because it's just too painful to be treated like my feelings and experience are unimportant and irrelevant to all of them, and to deal with the anger and disgust with me that I don't want to do something like come to a family dinner at Christmas, that may be - and ended up it was - my dad's last Christmas alive. I was asked to come to it, and that my brothers would ALL be there, and 'can't you just put it aside for one day, for your dad? This could be his last Christmas, and I want all of his kids to be here together for him.' (He had dementia, so he wasn't really aware of a whole lot at that point.) But, I couldn't go. My brothers made my childhood a nightmare, because of what they did to me. and to every friend I ever had. I said no.
Recently another brother (not an offender) said to me 'we don't agree with you on everything, but we still love you." which sounds good, on the surface. But, it was a painful reminder to me of how my entire life experience and hurt feelings over it are just, irrelevant, to them. They always have been.
I've been learning about narcissism and narcissistic abuse over the last several years, and wow, that finally makes things make sense. It explains a lot. The betrayal and intentionality of my family's abuse of me is really stunning. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that the people I loved the most WANTED to hurt me so much. That hurts. Sooo much.

Hello, and welcome to the forums...

FireBornBlue wrote: 'can't you just put it aside for one day, for your dad?

Yeah, no.

I wouldn't blame you for not having anything to do with any of them. I'm sorry you had to endure all of this. I think a lot of people would also have similar mixed feelings.

And... this forum, is as good as any for this post.

Welcome.

Before I give any advice, can you tell me how old you are and whether you have been able to find a long term relationship? Do you know if your father was abused or had alcohol problems ?

I don't think anyone who has not lived what you have, can understand what it does to one's head, when forced to play happy families. It is like you are betraying yourself. You are forcing yourself to suppress natural emotions. Neither of those are good things. OK, I understand that in our society how incredibly hard it is for people like yourself to ever feel a sense of justice or even fairness, but how does one try and compartmentalize what has happened when people insist on opening the damn lid on the box we try to put things in.

Sex abuse by siblings is like murdering a child in Australia. It is somehow not as bad because of the relationship.