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I am confused *TW?*

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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I am confused *TW?*

Postby shoeflypie » Thu Nov 26, 2020 3:32 am

I feel stupid about this and that I'm making it seem bigger and worse than it actually is.

When I was 8 and 9 my friend would touch me. We're both the same age and both girls. She was the closest person at that time to me and I had no other friends. It started when she took my laptop while she was over one day and put on porn. I can still remember what it was exactly. I told her I didn't want to watch it but she said we could do whatever I wanted afterwards. Halfway through she started to touch me down there and each time we went to each other's houses she would touch and kiss me. She would always let me do whatever activity I chose after we were done and said she would not be my friend anymore and badmouth me if I didn't let her touch me. I was ashamed of what was happening and didn't want anyone to find out about what we did, and it felt really wrong to me. Sometimes she would make me touch her and lick her and I always felt dirty after. She also told me to bring bras to her to re enact porn. During school she would totally ignore me and wouldn't partner up with me for anything, even though she told me we were bestfriends. I don't exactly remember when it stopped, but it seemed like one day we weren't friends at all anymore. I always hated her after that and she told me she was only friends with me so she could get closer to another girl in our class.

I feel like I don't remember things properly and I was the one who always started things, and sometimes it seems like this never happened or that it did happen but to a different person and not me. After the first time whenever I thought of it I associated it with bad and "naughty" things I had done and I felt dirty.

In August I started thinking about it and couldn't get it out of my head for a few weeks. I don't know why I suddenly remembered it. I've heard of how people get triggers, and I think that might've happened to me. My brother had recently gotten new bed sheets and they were hanging on the clothesline outside to dry. You know how some people have distinct smells? The sheets smelled exactly like her and I think that started it.

I've told some strangers about what happened to get an objective opinion of what happened and to tell someone with a sense if anonymity. They always tell me it's not my fault, but I still think it is. I have told them that it's not very serious and it wasn't a bad thing but they tell me the opposite. I've cried each time I've been told this. I still think that it's just something very silly that I'm making a big deal out of, and it still feels like I never went through that experience, but that I still witnessed it.

Am I downplaying it and was it bad what happened?
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Re: I am confused *TW?*

Postby Snaga » Thu Nov 26, 2020 12:48 pm

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

Normally, I'd be tempted to say it was kids, being kids- especially in this day, and age, when they're given unfettered access to porn.

Buuuuuuut.... this ain't 'normally'.

I'm tempted to wonder, if she wasn't being sexually abused, tbh. Now, it could be, I suppose, that she was precocious, and also... frighteningly manipulative, but it's almost as if someone taught her how to use and abuse and coerce. My fellow mod here, Terry, can probably speak with more certainty, than I, but that's my first impressions.

Over in Remorse we'll get stories from people do initiated childhood sexual activity, and the majority of those, I'm personally convinced they're blowing things out of proportion, because sexual childhood experimentation is supposedly common as dirt, and sometimes involves a little occasional 'coersion', because kids can be mean like that. I've.. experienced that as a kid, and it didn't affect me adversely, not even being coerced a little- to me it was just kids, being kids and in fact the person that I do directly recall doing things with is probably one of my best friends (and we never discuss what we done as kids- what happens in puberty, stays in puberty).

But this feels... ramped up. I just really have to wonder if she wasn't having the same things, done to her. I've read enough times, that kids that are being sexually abused will do the same things- I mean, when you stop to think of it, if that's your 'normal', what do you have to compare it to and how will you act, until you get old enough to know better?

I'm just talking out of my ass at this point, so I'll stop- but no, I don't think you're blowing this out of proportion. It sounds as if you have had some dissociation involved, so it was traumatic, and just based on ongoing coersion (as opposed to once or twice) and manipulation- ignoring her 'best friend'- I'm calling it sexual abuse on your end, clearly it wasn't something consensual. I just have to wonder if she was naturally that way, or if it was learned behavior, and I'm leaning towards the latter, unless someone else has a better argument.
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Re: I am confused *TW?*

Postby shoeflypie » Thu Nov 26, 2020 9:21 pm

Thank you so much for responding. I think I'm going to try and tell my friend now, I trust her a lot and she also trusts me.
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Re: I am confused *TW?*

Postby Dustman » Fri Nov 27, 2020 3:19 am

In my opinion, this sounds like abuse to me. She took away something unless you did those sexual things. You were the same age, but she forced you into it and promised you could both do anything you wanted after was like a bribe. The fact she ignored at school is classic abusive behavior.

At that age, she was probably taught that by someone who may have abused her beforehand. You did nothing wrong. Yes, what happened to you was bad because you didn't want to do it if she didn't take your laptop away first in my opinion.
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Re: I am confused *TW?*

Postby aubesu2 » Fri Nov 27, 2020 8:21 pm

From my perspective, there seems to have been a lot of Abuse in the relationship you describe, some Sexual and some not. A partial checklist:
    Manipulation
    Coercion
    Sexualization (against your will)
    Forced Sexual Acts:(again, against your will)
    Abandonment

Perhaps this may provide some objectivity:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child-on- ... xual_abuse

I encourage you to talk to someone, preferable a therapist and/or a Councilor. Call a hotline if need be, but talk to someone who can help guide you.

That surreal feeling of not knowing how to interpret what happened is just horrible. Solidifying why you have been so impacted by what happened and how it has impacted you can go a long way towards healing and moving forward in a positive way.
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Re: I am confused *TW?*

Postby tmc115 » Mon Nov 30, 2020 1:20 pm

In an abuse situation one must have power over another either perceived or real. AKA the pastor of the church has spiritual authority, the dad has family authority, the bus driver has perceived authority bc he is older. But in this situation it was 2 girls of the similar age. I'm sorry to tell you different than what you'd like to hear, but this is the truth as I see it.

Did you know that most Catholic priests consider themselves straight? Why then do they molest young boys so tenaciously? Because those boys are "psycho-sexual peers". An adult male priest is not given a sexual education, but they are sexual creatures regardless. Boys are just learning about their sexuality, so in order to learn more about sex they go where they feel most safe- their peers.

You were molested by a girl trying to learn about her own sexuality. It wasn't abuse so much as a clumsy, selfish attempt at understanding more about herself and the world.

Yes she may have hurt you, but have you never done wrong to someone in ignorance? Are you a robot or a human? Do you not have feelings and desires and wish to know more about who you are? How do you do that? Just sit around and wait? Or do you try things? Do you imitate what you see, what you like?

I'm not a perfect person. I can think of a few things I've done to others that they might be writing about on forums like this crying that I abused them. But I was just acting on my feelings, I was just trying things. It's more embarrassing for me to think back on it, but trying things helped me understand better why some things you don't do and some things are fine. But you need to try. If someone has a problem they need to stand up and tell that person that what they are doing is wrong, because WE ARE STUPID. WE ARE IGNORANT. WE DO NOT ALWAYS KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT OR WRONG. The feelings can be so intense they cloud our judgement. And I'd rather be in a world of abusers rather than people who just sit around, never try anything, and criticize everything everyone does all the time. If you need it to stop MAKE IT STOP. You have the power. Let your kids know they have the power to speak up and ask questions and to not hide things. Share personal stories so they know you've been there too.
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Re: I am confused *TW?*

Postby Terry E. » Tue Dec 01, 2020 6:14 am

tmc115 wrote:In an abuse situation one must have power over another either perceived or real. AKA the pastor of the church has spiritual authority, the dad has family authority, the bus driver has perceived authority bc he is older. But in this situation it was 2 girls of the similar age. I'm sorry to tell you different than what you'd like to hear, but this is the truth as I see it.


You were molested by a girl trying to learn about her own sexuality. It wasn't abuse so much as a clumsy, selfish attempt at understanding more about herself and the world.




Could not have put it better.

This is not quite in the "my dad will not buy me a pony, is that abuse ?? thread we have from time to time", but as the previous person said when under 10, same age, I don't know anywhere that thinks this is abuse.

Take care
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Re: I am confused *TW?*

Postby aubesu2 » Tue Dec 01, 2020 5:20 pm

A pedestrian in the middle of a crosswalk gets hit by a Car that ran a red light. As a result, the pedestrian suffers severe injuries.

Perhaps the Driver was talking on the phone, or texting. Maybe the Driver was just talking to a passenger. The Driver could have been intoxicated or suffering from a medical emergency.

It doesn’t matter, just as it doesn’t matter if the Driver and the Pedestrian are both under age. The pedestrian has injuries from a trauma that was not her or his fault.

In an Abusive relationship, the reasons why an Abuser was Abusive need not matter. The onus is on the Survivor to address injuries and find a way to heal.

The relationship described in the initial post on this thread seemed, to me at least, abusive, sexually and otherwise.

You were molested by a girl trying to learn about her own sexuality


Validating that an experience was Traumatic can be an important first step in dealing with the resulting Trauma.
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Re: I am confused *TW?*

Postby Snaga » Tue Dec 01, 2020 5:33 pm

To me this is a grey area. There's not a large age difference, but surely coercion constitutes some sort of power play? Otherwise it would be okay for a spouse to cajole/threaten their s/o for sex, yes? I'm not even saying it was with malicious intent, because of the age involved (might have been learned behavior) but as aubesu2 said, didn't someone get hit on the crosswalk?
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