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My Story: Sexual abuse by grandfather-TW incest

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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My Story: Sexual abuse by grandfather-TW incest

Postby lovelyforever » Sat Oct 17, 2020 6:23 pm

I'm a female. I remember the abuse happening when I came to florida with my grandfather at the age of 8 or 9. I cant remember the exact details just that my private area hurt really bad afterwords and i was going to tell my grandma what had happened but she was playing a game in the computer room so i went to bed. I remember that he tried oral sex with me but i didn't feel any pleasure from it. I remember he tried to get me to give him oral sex but i had no idea what i was even doing and it was my first time seeing and noticing gential parts in that way. I thought we just clean them and leave them alone as a kid. The only purpose i thought it had was for pee to come out of. I've blocked out anything else. I have finally felt myself as i got older and noticed that i have scarring still. I think the abuse happened with my dad or someone else before the age of 8 though. I cant remember exactly who-i do remember sitting on males laps and hating it. My familys culture has been touchy feely as there is also abuse (verbal, physcial, sexual) in my entire family. Alot of men/people in my family have been abused and also abusive. The thing that i struggle with the most is the things i have done to my younger sister. I'm a middle child. When i used to live up north before we moved i remember touching my sister and she would touch me underneath the bed. We got caught and i figured it probably wasn't normal because my dad beat the hell out of me afterwards. I was 6 or 7. I was confused as to why he was so mad and only was mad at me. It made me feel dirty. Soon after we moved to florida. I don't know if i thought it was normal at the time i would ask her to experiment with mutual masterbation with me. I was probably 10 and she was 9. I keep seeing that people say its normal but from what i can remember i was the one that told her about it. And we did it for a while together. I would cover myself up with a pillow or a blanket and she would too. We would be on different beds and kind of share information about what feels good and what doesnt and when we masterbate and how we hide it from people in our family. She already shared with me that she was doing solo masterbation on her own so i thought i could bring it up. I also remember that i would masterbate alot when i found out how good it felt. i would go into the bathroom at school just to touch myself. I remember it was mutlipe times a day. I think as a kid i was trying to take back the power to what happened to me and understand. Eventually a couple of months later that turned into going into the closet in the hallway when everyone else went to bed and i would perfom oral sex on her. I remember not knowing what i was doing but i liked doing it and would get excited. I liked that she liked it. ( i think i was trying to take back control of what happened to me?) I also remember that i would stay up late to watch movies on tv where people were having sex or to watch girls gone wild. I masterbated to girls. Hated the fact of men and they didn't excite me. I also had a skewed perception of sex with men and didnt understand why people liked it because it seemed like it would hurt and the girls would pretend they liked it. I don't think I let her do it back to me. I can't help but feel like a terrible disgusting person looking back on it as an adult. I know we were just kids but even the fact that i was one year older than her really bothers me.
We stopped shortly after and it was fine. We were close like sisters and didn't really talk about it. But i hope it didn't affect her in a bad way as she got older.
I also remember the sexual abuse my father was doing towards my older sister as a teen. I remember him sleeping next to my teen friends and him taking showers with my teen sister. I remember feeling like i had to get my father to touch me because i hated and felt sad for the fact that he was doing it to my older sister. I figured since ive been through sexual abuse when i was younger that i could take on the burden. and i was adult enough to know what sex was. I think i tried to get him to one time but he was repulsed by me. ( i had hygiene issues as a kid/teen). This had up until recently affected almost my entire life. I hated men growing up and their genitals and the thought having sex with men repulsed me so I identified as a lesbian in high school. I've had relationships with woman up until the age of 25. Now, i'm not interested in woman but I loved having sex with woman and the powerplay between that. I'm not interested in woman any longer as far as relationship wize but i love the thought of having sex with woman. I have a boyfriend now who i love very much. In the beginning of our relationship we had to get over sex hurtles i would have PTSD flashbacks for a while. Now we have sex normally cause he's a trusted partner. I just feel like I can't ever let go of the guilt i feel when i was child doing that to my sister. I feel like a monster and feel like society doesnt take well to behavior like that even though i was just a kid and didn't know what i was doing. I don't have any urge to do these actions at this age now. (i'm 27 about to be 28) Pedophilia disgusts me and whenever I see it in film or even just too much of an age gap it makes me nauseous and I can't stand it. I never felt attracted or wanted anything with anyone that was even 4 years younger than me. Most of my partners have been older or same age. Does this kind of thing happen often and people just don't talk about it?
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Re: My Story: Sexual abuse by grandfather-TW incest

Postby Terry E. » Sun Oct 18, 2020 11:42 pm

Oh there is a lot there. Sorry for late reply. My life not great right now time wise.

I am guessing this is the first time you have laid all this out. There really is a lot there but I assure you, that you are not alone and a lot of what feels so wrong is simply you surviving as a young person in a very "not right" world. I will come back later today and try and be more helpful.
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Re: My Story: Sexual abuse by grandfather-TW incest

Postby Terry E. » Mon Oct 19, 2020 2:11 am

The thing with abuse is every case is different. Some have similarities but so many things have an effect, that what we have been through is different. HOWEVER certain things remain the same. And yes we don't talk about it. I was sitting with some survivors having coffee during a support group meeting and one was crying because when she told her best friend what had happened her bestie pulled away. I explained that it just hurts people we are close to. My wife shuts down anytime my past comes up, she really can't handle it (We have had to restrain her from literally taking a bat into the nursing home). You explain this stuff and we agreed that our best friends have a look that says, if the ground swallowed them up there and then they would prefer it.

Good news is you are a nice person. I know you may not feel that, but the simple fact that you worry about what you did "might "have had an effect on your sister, means you care. Empathy/care, whatever, you are a nice person.

By the time this had started you had suffered significant trauma and were never going to be a "normal little girl". You were normal for what you were. I really don't understand the technical side of the biology but very early sex messes up with young girls. It changes everything from proximity, to physical urges, to changes in inhibition, etc etc. So what was happening was partly biology and partly a result of your experiences. I really doubt you will ever not regret what you did, but the switch was turned on and part of you was a passenger from then on.

I don't need to tell you this but your home had issues. This stuff so often starts with an abnormal home.

Not sure what was going on, whether there were debt problems, substance issues (alcohol) but there should have been alarm bells ringing for your mum, but if home is abnormal enough it may have been hard for her to see the forest for the trees.

Was the grandfather who abused you, your mothers father ?? If so it would be a good guess that it happened to her as well.

What is your relationship like with your mum and dad right now ?

Congrats on wading through the debris and making it outside with a nice partner right now who cares about you. Wish you two all the best, but have a think about those questions.
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Re: My Story: Sexual abuse by grandfather-TW incest

Postby lovelyforever » Tue Oct 20, 2020 10:28 pm

Thank you for replying. Just thinking about all of this again is super hard for me. My father was a single father raising three girls i understand as i got older how hard that must be on him. When i was a teenager i found out that my grandpa has sexually assaulted my aunt so i made the correlation as i got older. He's not alive anymore. To answer your last question my father is older now so he's different. More calm. But growing up he wasn't emotionally available, verbally abusive, and not that great of a person. We don't have the best relationship because of him still being emotionally unavailable but i wish him the best. He's sick now. My mom has always been out of the picture so the only person who saw a little bit of what was going on was my grandma but she was hardcore in denial about a lot of things growing up which made it so i couldn't get the proper help i needed. I'm in therapy now.

Thank you for taking the time to read what i wrote here. You were absolutely correct about me needing to tell someone and ask about this situation. I hope one day i can bring it up to a therapist that will help me work through it a little bit more.
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Re: My Story: Sexual abuse by grandfather-TW incest

Postby Terry E. » Thu Oct 22, 2020 4:00 am

Yeah we often are victims of many things going wrong. We just tend to be on the bottom of it.

Actually I don't know if you can see it this way, but what happened to you and how you are is the result of many factors. No mum. No basic parental guidance role model. That can make it easy for predators, as you are wired differently. That in turn effects our wiring. The very early sexuality. It must have been hard for all three of you girls growing up with just a father, who in turn was dealing with a broken marriage.

Not having a mothers affection does something to us. (Attachment Theory, it has a huge effect on how we are. )
Did your father ever try and partner up? Did you have step mums (official or de facto) and that can have a whole group of other problems as well?

In some cases like this a grandparent can fill part of that mother bonding role, but sounds like she was part of the problem, and you don't mention your mother's mother, so guess she like you mum was not around.

What we often see is stuff that reverberates. My mum was abused by an uncle. She was insane, but that sure as hell did not help (and I don't mean mental illness - I mean the long sharp knife lots of pointy sharp objects and people around her having accidents insane). Still I wonder what she would have been like without that. My friend Ang had a very beautiful mother but a total train wreck as parent. She was very sexual but outside marriage many times bring people home who accessed her young daughter as well (who knew no better as she saw what mum did).

Thinking of Ang she and I spent many months a few years ago going over our pasts, swapping stories of who had the worst mum, (I won) but she was a very successful businesswoman, 4 children from two marriages. Married to second husband at that time for twenty years, degree in Pysch, more than half way through PHD, writing papers for the govt about child abuse and taking on the foster role for three siblings who had been through a living nightmare. Despite all that, she had a trigger event and was stumbling downwards with no end in sight. Talking together we found so much in common, we both came out of it with a new view on our own lives.

You don't have to be a broken person or a wreck to benefit from talking this stuff through. Sometimes the person who we thought was our friend is just an enabler and the person who we thought was not our friend was someone who just did not have the answers we needed.
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