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Abusers called me what they were...TW

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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Abusers called me what they were...TW

Postby complicated87 » Tue Sep 29, 2020 11:01 pm

I was sexually abused from birth. I don't have all of the details I have lots of blackouts due to being drugged and also DID amnesia and also just being very young. But I DID tell a lot I was just punished greatly or gaslighted.

But the one burning memory is when my parents screamed at me when I was in kindergarten....and what they called me. I just don't understand and hope someone else may be able to help me untangle. I had showed my best friend (I don't remember) but my parents ambushed me and said her mom had called them saying I had showed her a game and said it felt good to touch my "privates" (hate that word) and the mother was in reality worried about me but my parents told me she was angry at me and everyone was angry at me and I had shamed my whole family and cost them a position in their cult. This family would still invite me over and never treated me any different.....My father screamed at me that I was a pedophile and explained to me what that was and how the police would come and lock me up and everyone hates pedophiles. My mother my most sadistic abuser I can remember a face with said I was filthy and not to touch her with my nasty hands as she had no idea where they'd been. They ritually punished me a few weeks and I will save everyone the details of what that entailed... but after this they never spoke of it again. And I as a 6 year old took that word and ascribed it to myself with heaps of shame. I buried it deep. It wasn't until recently when news stories were coming out about pedophiles I was triggered and had massive flashbacks and awoke to a lot of my abuse that it was ABUSE and not normal to live like that. At first I was terrified and didn't understand why.

But a child can't be a pedophile....my rational side knows that but shame whispers 'yeah but you're a special case.' But I still shudder at the word and feel so much shame. I just can't understand why they would tell me that's what I was. It made me terrified to get close to kids my age because the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt someone. I lived with a 'secret' that if anyone found out what my parents knew about me they'd hate me.

To compound this my cousin who was bigger and stronger than me but a year younger sexually abused me MANY years and I hated it and him but in school they taught us the older kid is the abuser so this again tangled me up.

And actually when people did like me - peers and friends and the community in general as I became pretty popular as a decent human and a people pleaser they would often say "If they knew you like we knew you they wouldn't like you." I recently realized this was exactly what they were referring to and it worked - it called up the toxic shame and I either withdrew from people and activities that were boosting my confidence too much for mum and dad or I carried on but as an imposter knowing if my friends or teachers etc. Knew I was a "pedophile" they would kill me.

I am 100 % certain my mother was sexually abusing me and knowingly giving me up to others as well as she did this and continued drugging me well into my late teens. She had to drug me because I disliked what she made me to enough that I would fight her off.......I have suspicions about my father and have had memories pop up that we were involved but I have a very hard time accepting those as fully real because he was the safer parent and I idolized him as much as I hated him......I just don't know.
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Re: Abusers called me what they were...TW

Postby Snaga » Wed Sep 30, 2020 3:58 am

Hugs!

I'm of the opinion no decent parent would call a kindergartener a pedophile, unless they were projecting/trying to control you. What I imagine is normally done is you just take little Sam/Sally aside and explain that young ladies/men don't do that. To yell and scream and call you that is way over the top- you are most certainly not that.
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Re: Abusers called me what they were...TW

Postby complicated87 » Wed Sep 30, 2020 6:15 am

Thank you Snaga I'll take all the hugs right now.

I saw in some movie back when I watched TV with liv Tyler and Ben Affleck idk the title but a little girl and boy were doing something inappropriate and her single dad overreacted a bit but he wasn't mad at his daughter. It was awkward but funny and innocent...it contrasted so much with my reality that I really feel something was extremely amis in my situation.

And then I worked at a place with kids and the ladies casually said don't let them go in the playhouse and close the doors and windows because they are awfully curious about one another's bodies...and they laughed it off as kids being kids. I was freaked out how nonchalant they were about it. They didn't think the kids were bad just curious and wanted to avoid the situation from occurring on our watch.

It just really bothers me how it got into my psyche so badly and that it wasn't until recently I realized that word is impossible to fit a child. I've thought about breaking my years of no contact just to call my dad and ask him what the heck he was thinking......
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Re: Abusers called me what they were...TW

Postby Snaga » Wed Sep 30, 2020 3:46 pm

complicated87 wrote:I saw in some movie back when I watched TV with liv Tyler and Ben Affleck idk the title but a little girl and boy were doing something inappropriate and her single dad overreacted a bit but he wasn't mad at his daughter. It was awkward but funny and innocent...it contrasted so much with my reality that I really feel something was extremely amis in my situation.


Very. I would say probably most situations go like that. I would imagine- I'm not a parent, but I do have a godchild and I know how I'd handle it with her. For me, as a mod here, we get so many posts in the Remorse forum, from sensitive souls (I do not mean that disparagingly! it is a compliment of sorts, even if it does involve self-torture) who are tore up over thinking they were monsters, when in the majority of instances, they were to me, what I'd call kids being kids. When everything I've ever read on it, seems to indicate it's quite common for children to mess around with peers- whatever peers are handy- siblings, cousins, neighborhood pals, whatever.

As long as there's not heavy coercion, or a great age difference, or some other power imbalance that creates an abusive situation, I'm quite liberally minded that it's mostly harmless. Judging from what I've read in articles on it, and here, and my own childhood experiences, the vast majority of us grow out of it fairly quickly, once our brains catch up with our developing bodies and we gain notions of what's socially acceptable, and what isn't.

complicated87 wrote:And then I worked at a place with kids and the ladies casually said don't let them go in the playhouse and close the doors and windows because they are awfully curious about one another's bodies...and they laughed it off as kids being kids. I was freaked out how nonchalant they were about it. They didn't think the kids were bad just curious and wanted to avoid the situation from occurring on our watch


That exactly. If it's going to happen, let it happen at home then the parents can deal with it but naw not on their watch. The kids ain't being bad they're just ready to start figuring things out.

complicated87 wrote:It just really bothers me how it got into my psyche so badly and that it wasn't until recently I realized that word is impossible to fit a child.


Absolutely impossible! How can being attracted, or being sexual, with your peers make you a pervert of some kind? That's insane. It also sounds like projection- accuse the other of what you are guilty of. They were probably in panic mode that your LEARNED behavior would draw attention to them- the very last thing they'd want is the law looking into it, so they had to put the fear of fire and brimstone in you to cover their asses. Any parents might be mortified and embarrassed and worry that it will be seen as a reflection on them, or cause trouble, but such an over-the-top response, when you say you were sexually/ritualistically abused, yeah I'm calling Projection. It's bullcrap.
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Re: Abusers called me what they were...TW

Postby complicated87 » Thu Oct 01, 2020 4:44 am

I'm not good at pulling quotes but bless you for talking to me about this.

To your point I had an older girl years later who wanted to play certain 'themes' with me and I never felt like I had to and actually found it to be quite fun and in an odd way healing because she would pretend to be a boy so I could be the girl and she was nice about it where my cousin forced me and was self-serving and acting out his abuse on me. Then she and I suddenly stopped and our friendship moved right along as if nothing strange ever transpired. I often wondered if that was normal but she was so 'normal' I just brushed it off. I felt I'd done nothing wrong especially because she was older and orchestrated it all.

The projection thing makes the most sense to me - and it may also help me understand why I internalized the title so fiercely because I desperately needed my dad to be "safe" because my mom frequently threatened to kill me while he was at work. So I've not wanted to accept that my dad could have been aware of what was going on outside of him and my mother....but I can't really think of another explanation. They were angry at ME not like I would be like "did someone teach you this, Baby? Are you being hurt? Are you okay?" They went straight into screaming and demanding I tell them who all I had "molested." I was seriously so shocked and I hadn't recalled anyone else but they kept demanding so I just rattled off every little girlfriend I had. They really lost their you know what then.... (Definitely did not list my cousin who was abusing me because I'd already been "caught" at 4 years old letting a much older cousin undress me...and my dad was furious at the much older boy but also at me and said if I showed any boy my parts he would call the police and they would arrest me...also because that seemed so scary and hurtful where my best friend and I never felt scary so in that limited 6 year old capacity I didn't even link the two). Now having been around four year olds I know just how clueless I was! And also how literal they take every word of a parent or trusted older 'big boy' or girl.

They made me publicly go up to my best friend and tell HER PARENTS not my friend...."I'm sorry for molesting your daughter." Her parents faces were enough for me to hold on to and write on my heart to process when I got older because they were completely shocked and caught off guard and tried to comfort me and tell me they were only concerned for my well being and not to be ashamed but my parents yanked me away and off we went.

So logically yeah I guess it had to be somewhat of a guilty conscience to even treat me like I was the problem instead of asking a single question themselves about my well-being....which would be my first concern with a child. And I certainly wouldn't punish my child...especially since it wasn't anything sadistic it was more like showing off an inappropriate 'skill.'

Just going to take a lot to let it go and drop that label. I hadn't realized for so long what a monster I felt lived inside of me that people would kill me if they knew.....but that's not good or healthy.

I've decided to start viewing my mum and dad as the (very) hurt and abused little children they were growing up as that seems to help me decide an accurate weight to their thoughts and actions about me....and picturing them saying that to me as peers I can argue back and take back my right to keep breathing and growing and taking care not to hurt others in any way. Viewing them as little kids helps me not take away the wrong they were doing but helps me have a bit of compassion but also parenting myself by saying "don't hang around those kids!"


Thanks again Snaga. The world needs lots of people like you in it!

-- Wed Sep 30, 2020 10:49 pm --

And just re-reading your words.....this just blew my mind....

Like maybe this was what you're saying.

But maybe they were trying to make me so afraid of the police arresting ME so in case they were investigated and I was questioned I wouldn't mention anything like what was going on!?!?!

That makes SO much sense but actually kinda hurts going even DEEPER in to how much they put themselves first.

My adult abuse did cool down for a few years around this time........
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Re: Abusers called me what they were...TW

Postby Snaga » Thu Oct 01, 2020 5:53 am

complicated87 wrote:But maybe they were trying to make me so afraid of the police arresting ME so in case they were investigated and I was questioned I wouldn't mention anything like what was going on!?!?!


That exact facet itself hadn't occurred to me- but yes if you managed to attract attention to yourself from outsiders, then I reckon Plan B would be to just have you too afraid to talk to the police at all.

Gentle hugs, if wanted.

Personally I think you've managed very well, in light of everything- I really don't see how someone could do any better, handling what you've had to.
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Re: Abusers called me what they were...TW

Postby complicated87 » Thu Oct 01, 2020 6:22 pm

Thank you, thank you, Snaga!!! Hugs right back to you, seriously. I've never been able to mention the pedophile thing in therapy as it's just too shameful face to face but I really think I have enough sense of it now to lay it down and leave it there!!

The human spirit is amazing.
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