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First post. Husband thinks I need to get this out.*TW*

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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First post. Husband thinks I need to get this out.*TW*

Postby Smalltowngirl44 » Thu Sep 10, 2020 3:50 am

Im 44 years old and have been married to my current husband for 13 years. I have OCD, depression,a terrible body image,and an addiction to prescription drugs. He keeps telling me I need to get all of this out so I can deal with it and not just burry it deeper. On top of all the other bad things that has happened to me I was molested/raped by one uncle,molested by another and had a incestuous relationship with my dad that lasted for years.

I guess I should start with the one that I feel like was the most traumatic to me. I was 9 or 10 and he was 15 or 16 he was my dad's brother. I would have to stay with my grandma on Saturdays and he was always around the house. It started out as a game that seemed innocent enough but turned into something that didn't seem like much fun to me. He would call me over to the bathroom door and have me put my hand through and then he would put it on his penis and use my hand to masturbate with. Sometimes this would be several times a day sometimes only once. This later turned into me having to give him oral through the crack in the door to completion. He penetrated me a few times but it wasn't for very long or very much and he would jump up and run to the bathroom.


The incidents with the second uncle only happened a few times and they were very less traumatic and almost consensual. He would just fondle my breasts both on top of and under my shirt and then once in awhile touched my vagina. A few times he wanted me to put my hand on his penis which turned into me giving him oral. He was not mean about it like the first uncle so I hardly minded it at all.

The things with my dad are more twisted and complicated in my mind. I had blocked all of it out until recently and all the memories come flowing back. My parents were both alcoholics and my mother never wanted anything to do with me and she was always very physically and verbally abusive to me. I was always "Daddy's little girl" . I really can't tell you when the abuse started because I always remember things happening. I thought it was normal and every good little girl wanted to please her daddy the way that I did. Some of my earliest memories were of him taking a shower with me. The rule always was for my vagina to be very clean for him. That early I just remember it just being him touching me and me touching him. I was always a good girl and did what I was told.

Somewhere around 8-9 is when the regular intercourse started. By 9 I had started my period I had pubic hair and my breasts were very developed. That's when he started using condoms. By 12 my periods were so irregular that I started taking birth control to help control that. He would as me every day if I had taken my pill. By this time I felt like I was in a strong loving romantic relationship with him. He would buy be sexy bras and panties to wear but was never supposed to wear anything but a nightgown or a t-shirt to sleep in so he could come into my room at night. I always felt like my mom knew and didn't care what he was doing to me. She would laugh at me, make fun of my weight,the size of my boobs ect. Once when I was 14-15 she was drunk and mad at my dad she was extra abusive. She caught me getting out of the shower so she followed me to my room. She made me lay on my bed and spread my legs to "see what was so special about me" she then said that he had already "worn my pussy out" and that it was disgusting ugly and loose and no boy would ever want me.

Around the same time I started to be interested in boys and would go places with my friends from time to time. My dad became very possessive. He would tell me I could give handjobs and only blowjobs if it would keep them from wanting more. If I did go somewhere with my friends he would check my panties,or me, to see if I had been "violated". This is when I started to realize that the things he did to me all of this time was not normal. I would babysit and I worked fast food closing 5 nights a week. The last time he did anything to me I was 17.

Once I mentioned this to a therapist and she said I needed to talk about it more. I never went back. I have asked my sister (who is 8 years younger) and she said he never touched her. Once when I was 25 he mentioned our "special times" and suggested it could happen again,but other than that it was never brought up.

He and I had a normal relationship up until a few years ago.

I just need someone else to understand where I was and what that was like. I do feel shame because there were many times I initiated the encounter. My body always responded to the things he did. Did I like it ? Why did it seem so normal ? Why me ?
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Re: First post. Husband thinks I need to get this out.*TW*

Postby Snaga » Thu Sep 10, 2020 4:23 am

Hello and welcome to the forums!

I'm sorry you had to go through that- I don't like reading when it was a parent, that took some of someone's childhood away.

You're far from the only person- and not always male parent/female child, by the way- that has posted with a similar story, as far as the abuse from your dad goes. And, for a lot of them, it's only later on that they realised 'hey, this ain't normal'. I've known people over the internet who continue their intimate relationship with a parent, even thought they know that it's definitely not how it's supposed to have been.

But if you stop and think how strong a parent/child bond can be, and how strong a sexual bond can be, and put the two together... how would your body not respond? Or you initiate, at times? It's sex, it feels good, it's someone that you instinctively loved. I feel as if that's asking too much, from someone groomed into it, and didn't have anything to compare it to, much less, an adult perspective to say whoa hey bad touch!

Not saying it was right- oh no, far from it! I have little sympathy for parents that do things like that, and will leave the intensity of my feelings, with that simple statement. But while the shame is perhaps natural, I also think that continuing to feel ashamed, is being far too hard on yourself, because you didn't have a choice in it, in the beginning. You weren't the one that started it. Even if somehow your mind could twist it around (I have OCD, I know how things can get twisted 'round) that it was somehow on you, sorry, no, you were a child. That's when a father says 'no, sweetie, little ladies don't do (fill in the blank)'. So I don't accept any excuse for you to feel as if you've done something shameful. I think it's just unnecessary and being hard on yourself for something you could not prevent.

For the rest of it well, obviously I think they were abusing you but I find myself not having much to say about it, except the obvious- even the 15 year old was in my opinion, old enough to know better.

Was the second uncle also your dad's brother? Seems we have a bit of a disturbing familial pattern going on. Do you think your dad would have ever mentioned to his brothers, what you both were doing?
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Re: First post. Husband thinks I need to get this out.*TW*

Postby Smalltowngirl44 » Thu Sep 10, 2020 12:46 pm

One of them was my dad's brother the other was my mom's. No I don't think they had talked about it because my dad and him never got along.

The biggest memory or feeling I had with my dad is that I just wanted to make him happy. The things he did never hurt or made me feel uncomfortable or unsafe. It was not until my late teens that it even felt unnatural.
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Re: First post. Husband thinks I need to get this out.*TW*

Postby Snaga » Thu Sep 10, 2020 6:26 pm

Smalltowngirl44 wrote:It was not until my late teens that it even felt unnatural.


Yes I think into our teens we start to get a sense of what's appropriate, and what isn't. Before a certain age, we just don't have the capacity for it, I think.
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Re: First post. Husband thinks I need to get this out.*TW*

Postby Terry E. » Fri Sep 11, 2020 3:33 am

Kiddo you never had a chance.

I don't know why but most first timers here are very late thirties to early 40s. I really can't tell you why.

I think you husband is right, coming to terms with what happened and maybe grieving for yourself for a while, may help you then move forward.

Your mother sounds like an absolute bitch, and that is probably being nice to her. As I read I wondered what she was doing while this was going on. Then the last few paragraphs showed she clearly knew. On this forum, I have found most mothers work it out, unless it is very rare and at times when she is not around. What the mothers do is often quite revealing. Sometimes they deliberately stand aside and let the husband have at the child. It is a way of punishing the child. Sometimes they still need the husband and blame the child for seducing him. Often they will follow that up with cruel belittling, neglect of the child's needs, and sometimes even physical punishment. No matter what happens they fail by providing for their child's needs.

In the meantime your needs for parental love was being manipulated by your father.

I am not sure how you see your childhood, and you have not gone too much into that, but frankly I am surprised you came out as well as you have.

Did you ever get anything positive from your family, uncles aunts, grand parents ??
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Re: First post. Husband thinks I need to get this out.*TW*

Postby Terry E. » Fri Sep 11, 2020 3:40 am

I met a great person here maybe 3 years ago who went through terrible sexual abuse. She was looking for answers as to why it happened to her. She once said to me, it was like she had a beacon on her head, they seemed "to come from miles around". Not sure why, but men who are sexually predatory in nature can spot damaged girls. Not sure how, so can't explain, but you are in good company on that.

The other thing was, when we went through her childhood, what the house was like, who looked after who (mother was also an alcoholic and she would regularly at 11 go to the bottle shop to buy another bottle of vodka), it started to become clear that what she thought was normal and acceptable was very wrong and strange. I think that sort of stuff messes with us.
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Re: First post. Husband thinks I need to get this out.*TW*

Postby Snaga » Fri Sep 11, 2020 3:41 am

I keep waiting to hear of a mother that learns of it, and waits until her husband is asleep, then makes him regret touching her baby, but I never do....
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Re: First post. Husband thinks I need to get this out.*TW*

Postby Smalltowngirl44 » Sun Sep 13, 2020 6:57 pm

My mother hated me and always did. She got pregnant with me at 16 and I "ruined her life". She never let me forget that. She was either drunk or on pills most of my life.

She would lay around day in and day out. Sometimes she took the time to get dressed but most of the time she just wore a t shirt or was naked. Nudity was normal in our house.

There was a time when I was disgusted with how dirty our house was so I cleaned it and kept it clean. I had a younger brother and sister and I was the one that watched and took care of them.

Without a doubt my mother knew what he was doing. I have images in my head of several times of her being there and watching. She never said anything. She did pinch and pull on my nipples so hard I cried.

The more I think about the things that happened the more confused I am. Those things made me feel grown up. Especially since I did literally all of the house work. For the longest time I think I liked what he did to me. I shamefully remember more and more times I instigated things. It's like I went from just doing what I was told to wanting to please him. I had the idea that my mom didn't or wouldn't please him so I had to.
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Re: First post. Husband thinks I need to get this out.*TW*

Postby Snaga » Mon Sep 14, 2020 4:37 am

Smalltowngirl44 wrote:For the longest time I think I liked what he did to me. I shamefully remember more and more times I instigated things. It's like I went from just doing what I was told to wanting to please him.


I have little doubt you did like it. It was affection, it was your dad, I presume it wasn't unpleasant, it's sex, after all. It was also what you were brought up in. What did you have, to compare it to? You didn't. It was your 'normal'. It does seem as if you became surrogate wife.

It seems natural, that, as an adult- for people that were exposed to the abuse that you were- to sometimes find it shameful, but I still think it's being too hard on yourself. It was wrong! But it wasn't your fault, and it wasn't your doing. Even initiating it.. it's sex. It's a basic human desire/instinct/need, and that strong instinct got wrapped up in fatherly love and affection- another strong need. And it's what you'd been groomed into. See, you're still a kid, back then. I don't expect you to know better, because you were groomed into it. But there was always an adult- two adults- there, that could have said No, at any time. The shame is on them. It's squarely their fault. I don't care how many times you 'asked' for it. You were never given the option to see it from the age you are, now, and say, oh hell no bad touch!

I don't know there's a right or wrong way to feel, about it, from your perspective. I mean, there's a definite wrong that's been committed, on the part of you dad and mom. But I've seen people in your position, run the gamut of anger to shame to sympathy to they're still sleeping with the parent, as adults. I think any of those responses is reasonable to expect from someone who'd been groomed and sexually used like that, by a parent. Just depends on the situation, and the victim's personality, as to what category you find yourself in. And I only counsel that a person ought not to kick themselves for doing it, because they had no say in being raised up doing that, and I won't be judgmental on any of the above responses as adults. I reserve my evil thoughts for the parents.
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Re: First post. Husband thinks I need to get this out.*TW*

Postby Snaga » Mon Sep 14, 2020 4:45 am

Oh and for some background- I was... as a teen or almost so, mildly sexually groomed by a pederast- and not even to completion- they didn't get the fruit of their labor. But it greatly affected me and my sexuality and to this day I can't decide if I could go back those decades, if I'd kick him in the nuts, or rip my clothes off for him. Because even the little bit of grooming I got, I both hate, and desire.

And that was me, a cismale, 12 or so, by a stranger that befriended me. Not my opposite sex parent, for which there's going to be eventually a little bit of psychosexual feelings for anyway. And *I* feel conflicted.

If the little bit of grooming/abuse I encountered, made my mind do a "I don't understand I should hate this but I don't but I do?" then how much more, should you feel, when it was your dad, and it was from a young age. At least I *knew* it was supposed to be a 'bad touch', and while I was needing/taking in attention from an older male (absent father) still this was not a family member, even, but it still messed me up. You didn't even have that luxury. It's little wonder you have conflicting feelings. I don't see how a person wouldn't.
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