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confronting the abuser (backfired)

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confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby jaus tail » Fri Jun 12, 2020 7:42 pm

i texted my abuser (relative) an angry text about abuse n he told his mom who told me its in past. forget it. hormones n stuff she said...

i never expected him to tell his mom about it. also his mom told my mom. n out of fear that my mom may tell brother, i told my brother...

i never wanted mom or brother to know of this... what the ###$ was the abuser thinking when he told his mom of this...

he shouldve talked with me instead... not a sorry but at least that he regrets what he did... now my mom had a nervous breakdown n my brother is angry... n i was like 'u two were neglectful of me all my life' n now u are acting righteous... i never needed their support.
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby avatar123 » Sat Jun 13, 2020 4:59 am

Jaus, I'm sorry that happened, but I don't think you should view it as having "backfired". You stood up for yourself and told the truth. What other people do with that is up to them. The important thing is that you advocated for yourself, and that can only be a good thing.

First thing is, that you don't have responsibility for the implications or the consequences of the truth, you only have a responsibility to be truthful and fair in your statements. If you were, you have nothing to regret in your actions, or how others have reacted to the truth.

Second thing is, if the reaction was negative and intended to make you feel regretful, you should recognize that as the same critical process that has put you down all your life. Others don't have the right to do that to you, or make you feel that you shouldn't have told the truth.

You mentioned that some family have expressed support that you didn't ask for. A lot depends on whether it is sincere support, as in I'm sorry and what can I do to help? Or an alternative means of blame, as in why didn't you say something, what were you thinking, etc. Support should be positive in it's impact on you, and not negative.

As far as why your cousin talked to his mom, nd not you, he is looking for allies. He knows that he was wrong, and that others may think so as well. So he tries to control the narrative, and marshal her support, which he did get by her telling you to forget it.

For what it's worth, I think you should approach this calmly, knowing that you are in the right, but not back away from the truth of what happened, or yield to their anger or hysterics. Even if you find it embarrassing, there is nothing wrong with explaining calmly and clearly how this harmed you and has affected you, even now. You have every right to that. So I hope you will continue to do this, stand up for yourself and not think that a negative reaction means that your actions were negative. They aren't at all.

You may never get the reaction you're hoping for from them, but in a sense that doesn't matter as much as finally speaking your own truth.
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby jaus tail » Sat Jun 13, 2020 7:10 am

well to be very very frank, to hell with he and his mom... i never wish my mom had found out that her son has been molested. it took me years to accept n i still think of an alternate past... now she'll also worry the same...

to make matters worse, mom n i live in different cities. n she was raging at me on phone, so i feared she might tell brother so i texted brother... now even he knows... n is offering support...

but i dont need their support. i had recovered on my own pretty well... i really never needed mom n brother.

i shouldnt have told brother... the therapist said next time dont text cause it can be intepreted as threat even if its not meant as one... instead a phone call helps..

but i never wanted mom n brother to find out... m feeling blank now... it'll be so awkward when i face them the next time...
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby avatar123 » Sat Jun 13, 2020 8:53 am

Again I'm sorry. It's wrong that you are the one feeling pain over this. You didn't do anything wrong by confronting your abuser.

Why was your mom raging at you on the phone? Is she angry at you?
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby jaus tail » Sat Jun 13, 2020 9:51 am

Mom said why you texted cousin. All this is a matter of past and not that big a deal. I knew she would'nt support thus i never wanted her to know. Now its going to be awkward whenever i go home.
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby avatar123 » Sat Jun 13, 2020 11:21 am

By saying those things to you, she is minimizing what happened and transferring fault on to you. She's implying the problem is not that an instance of abuse occurred, but that you have spoken about it. She is thinking of herself rather than of you. What this all means for her, rather than what it has meant for you. I hope you are able to understand how wrong that is, even if she doesn't.

I sympathize with your feeling that things will be awkward now. But I hope you realize that it's her reaction that is making it awkward, not anything that you have done or said. That's really important to your health and sanity. If you accept her view that you are somehow at fault, that will be another iteration of what's happened in the past.

So please don't do that, and try to stay strong for your own sake. I am really and truly sorry you have to deal with this at all. It's not fair and it may not be very likely for them to change. I understand now why you sometimes wonder about why it couldn't have been different or better for you growing up. You could fairly ask that same question even now. It just shouldn't be, but it is. In that circumstance, you have to rely on your own certainty and judgement as to what's right and wrong, and try to be tolerant of their behavior going forward. Just please don't accept any blame they try to put on you.
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby jaus tail » Sun Jun 14, 2020 8:59 pm

By saying those things to you, she is minimizing what happened and transferring fault on to you. She's implying the problem is not that an instance of abuse occurred, but that you have spoken about it. She is thinking of herself rather than of you. What this all means for her, rather than what it has meant for you. I hope you are able to understand how wrong that is, even if she doesn't.


yeah. for her it's always about herself. why did i not tell her. well ur anger is so intense, no one tells you a thing.

I sympathize with your feeling that things will be awkward now. But I hope you realize that it's her reaction that is making it awkward, not anything that you have done or said. That's really important to your health and sanity. If you accept her view that you are somehow at fault, that will be another iteration of what's happened in the past.


good point. also i'm tired of being her parent. how she reacts is her problem. not mine though. i mean i dont have to be her parent all the time. but i mean the fault can be of whosover, at the end of the day things will be awkward.

So please don't do that, and try to stay strong for your own sake. I am really and truly sorry you have to deal with this at all. It's not fair and it may not be very likely for them to change. I understand now why you sometimes wonder about why it couldn't have been different or better for you growing up. You could fairly ask that same question even now. It just shouldn't be, but it is. In that circumstance, you have to rely on your own certainty and judgement as to what's right and wrong, and try to be tolerant of their behavior going forward. Just please don't accept any blame they try to put on you.


yeah i've realize she will never change. people rarely do, unless they undergo therapy n stuff. i dont have to be everyone's parent all the time.
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby Terry E. » Mon Jun 15, 2020 12:12 am

Yeah, the 3rd parties feel uncomfortable, and having no one, else to blame for it, often their first response is to blame the victim as after all, it was the victim who took their comfort away. If only the victim could have, "just forgotten about it:, gotten over it" etc. "it could not have been that bad".

Pretty common and you would be amazed at how many of us have had this sort of experience.

I can only say, that now that it is out, you may be able to go forward better. Something about sharing this sort of info. It usually helps.

And by the time you see everyone, these first emotions will not be so raw. It will not be as bad as you may not feel. Hopefully this is another step in moving forward.

and what Avatar has said, is so spot on.
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby jaus tail » Mon Jun 15, 2020 10:28 pm

Yeah, the 3rd parties feel uncomfortable, and having no one, else to blame for it, often their first response is to blame the victim as after all, it was the victim who took their comfort away. If only the victim could have, "just forgotten about it:, gotten over it" etc. "it could not have been that bad".


true. this makes a lot of sense. it's been 7 years since my breakdown n i still can't 'get over it.' n 7 years looks easy to read but it's actually:
7 * 365 = 2555 days
which is (assume i'm awake for 10 hours) so it's 25550 hours of regret.

Pretty common and you would be amazed at how many of us have had this sort of experience.


yeah. life would be better if all this had never happened. if we all lived a comfortable life.

I can only say, that now that it is out, you may be able to go forward better. Something about sharing this sort of info. It usually helps.


to be honest yeah. i dont think as much about it as i was earlier. i feel like i had flushed some baggage out of my mind.

And by the time you see everyone, these first emotions will not be so raw. It will not be as bad as you may not feel. Hopefully this is another step in moving forward.


now due to lockdown i cant go to mom's place (different city). it's actually good that there's lockdown.

and what Avatar has said, is so spot on.


true. they're trying to pass the blame on me. i cant forget the abuse. life would've been better without it. so much easy and comfortable.

the abuse ... well i turned to a sex/porn addict. very promiscuous. at times i feel i dont have a soul.
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby Terry E. » Tue Jun 16, 2020 5:54 am

jaus tail wrote:
at times I feel I don't have a soul.



Yeah, but you do, it shows.
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