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confronting the abuser (backfired)

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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby jaus tail » Tue Jun 23, 2020 8:44 pm

so my mom n i were chatting today n she asked me to send her some random texts. i sent her some quotes on watsapp n said she can forward it to her friends. she then said she'd also forward it to her sister. the sister is the mother of my abuser.

n i'm like after so much drama n fights my mom still wants to maintain a relation with her sister.

n then i recalled that when i was a child, this is what mattered most to mom. that the relation between the 2 sisters must never be spoilt. i'd beg to her not to send me to the abuser's place but my mom never listened. she worried that the relation between the 2 sisters may get spoilt.

n now i realize that people dont change. i mean i've indulged in same-sex encounters so often only to regret later n realize i was reliving the abuse. but it was a cycle
indulge in act-->regret-->read regret quotes, quotes on forgiveness, vent on this forum-->again indulge in act-->regret-->read regret quotes and so on...

people don't really change. but yeah my mom really wrecked my life. i often wonder who did more damage. the abuser or the mom. my dad was a great guy. sad that he passed away when i was young. i would've turned out to be a much happy and successful person if dad were around. or if mom had paid more attention to me rather than trying to maintain a relationship with her sister.
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby jaus tail » Sun May 30, 2021 6:25 pm

Hi,
I told my mom again of the abuse.. She said so what, I don't know... Twice she said so what..

N she said; it happened years ago, I don't know what it means.. U weren't 16 n he wasn't 20.

:(
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby Snaga » Mon May 31, 2021 2:00 pm

She wasn't the one it happened to- she's probably thinking 'get over it already'- without being inside your head. Without comprehending just how deeply you were affected, and how it was partially ruled your actions as a result.

She either doesn't understand, or doesn't want to. It might be a bit of self-defense on her part, for all I know. It's uncomfortable so we're not going to face it.
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby jaus tail » Tue Jun 01, 2021 2:11 pm

yeah. its her self defense.
just like i keep on saying: hey if i werent abused, i wouldnt have had gay encounters.

who knows what would've happened otherwise. :(
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby Snaga » Tue Jun 01, 2021 2:59 pm

jaus tail wrote:yeah. its her self defense.
just like i keep on saying: hey if i werent abused, i wouldnt have had gay encounters.

who knows what would've happened otherwise. :(


Might have not; might have. We can't say for sure how people like us would have been without the abused. As for myself I think my sexuality was already set- but I don't know what direction it would have taken, since it can go both ways.
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby aubesu2 » Fri Jun 04, 2021 10:14 pm

Apologies in Advance if I over step here.

Your Mother is displaying an abject lack of Empathy towards you, just as she did when you were a child and she ignored your protests without considering your perspective- why you did not want to return to her Sister’s home.

You were traumatized by the Abuse, and her lack of empathy likely re-traumatized and reinforced what you learned from the Abuse, so when she continues to display a lack of empathy, she continues to re-traumatize and reinforce.

I may be projecting, but I think a similar thing happened to me, except the abuse did not last more than a year or so and only a handful of times, when I was quite young. Looking back, it was the deep Pathology of my Family that has been just as destructive to me; and, had the situation in my immediate Family been healthy and I had gotten counseling, I think Life would have been dramatically different.

Don’t know if you have before, but I suggest you see a Therapist- if only about your Mom. To me her behavior seems overtly Pathological and thus hurtful.
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby jaus tail » Tue Jun 08, 2021 5:27 am

Your Mother is displaying an abject lack of Empathy towards you, just as she did when you were a child and she ignored your protests without considering your perspective- why you did not want to return to her Sister’s home.

if only she had listened... so much could've been avoided.

Code: Select all
You were traumatized by the Abuse, and her lack of empathy likely re-traumatized and reinforced what you learned from the Abuse, so when she continues to display a lack of empathy, she continues to re-traumatize and reinforce.


yeah.. according to her men cant be abused. she even thinks men mustnt fall ill, go to hospital, complain about life, n stuff... it's the man's (husband's, father's, son's, brother's) job to look after the woman. to serve the woman and make the woman feel like a queen.

I may be projecting, but I think a similar thing happened to me, except the abuse did not last more than a year or so and only a handful of times, when I was quite young. Looking back, it was the deep Pathology of my Family that has been just as destructive to me; and, had the situation in my immediate Family been healthy and I had gotten counseling, I think Life would have been dramatically different.


yeah same. my family enviornment was super toxic. always acting as if walking on egg shells
Don’t know if you have before, but I suggest you see a Therapist- if only about your Mom. To me her behavior seems overtly Pathological and thus hurtful.

i was into therapy for a year n half. i thought i had recovered but some remorse always exists.

had breakdown in 2013 ( i was 23), indulged in risky promiscous behavior. very risky. very promiscous. am in some control now. but feel very very ashamed of my past. n i've read so many quotes, watched self help videos... but the regret never fully goes.

life would've been so much easier.
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby aubesu2 » Sat Jun 12, 2021 11:03 pm

Easier for sure. Your Mom definitely has issues with Men which seem worsened by what is likely her Pathology. Consequently, and sadly, you bear- and bore- the brunt of this.

I feel for you with your breakdown. I apparently opted for a life-long slow burn, and I’m hoping to stem the tide. I don’t quite frame it as recovery because the sexual abuse happened when I was so young, and as the youngest in my immediate Family, that family dynamic has always been a certain way. I’m just trying to behave in a healthier way, make better decisions, and hopefully, begin to feel better about the present, the future, and- hopefully- the past.

So for me, Therapy is important, although Covid derailed that for 2020, and thus far, also in 2021. I think I’ll be in some form of Therapy for years because after all, I’ve got years of things to work through and unwind. And yes, I lurk on this Forum, which is quite helpful: I relate, validate, and subsequently learn, a lot. Commenting on Posts, your Post, is Therapeutic for me.

What has also helped a lot is significantly reducing my interactions with my immediate Family, something with which Covid has helped. Until I change, I cannot be around them, as I will just sink back into prior emotions, thoughts, and behavior: No, Nope, Uh-Uh. Not. For. Me.

Plus right now I’m at the stage that when I think about things, I get a wee bit Angry.

All this to say: a little distance can do wonders.
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Re: confronting the abuser (backfired)

Postby jaus tail » Mon Jun 14, 2021 9:21 am

Easier for sure. Your Mom definitely has issues with Men which seem worsened by what is likely her Pathology. Consequently, and sadly, you bear- and bore- the brunt of this.

yes mom has issues. according to her:
men dont cry
men dont fall ill, go to hospital, get admitted
men dont take anti depressants
men are supposed to fight (if required be violent) to get stuff done
men are supposed to serve women
men should earn money in tons

everyone must serve her.

I’m just trying to behave in a healthier way, make better decisions, and hopefully, begin to feel better about the present, the future, and- hopefully- the past.

yeah wouldnt want to add to the woes.


So for me, Therapy is important, although Covid derailed that for 2020, and thus far, also in 2021.

you can go online and have video calling. i had that with my earlier therapist.


I think I’ll be in some form of Therapy for years because after all, I’ve got years of things to work through and unwind. And yes, I lurk on this Forum, which is quite helpful: I relate, validate, and subsequently learn, a lot. Commenting on Posts, your Post, is Therapeutic for me.

yeah it takes a lot of therapy. my earlier therapist told me it takes weeks/months even for the therapist to find out exactly what the issue is.

What has also helped a lot is significantly reducing my interactions with my immediate Family, something with which Covid has helped. Until I change, I cannot be around them, as I will just sink back into prior emotions, thoughts, and behavior: No, Nope, Uh-Uh. Not. For. Me.

Plus right now I’m at the stage that when I think about things, I get a wee bit Angry.

All this to say: a little distance can do wonders.

yeah the rage is insane. even i'm looking to go back to work city. waiting for the office to start for that. or for my earlier roommate to return.
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