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Why don’t I feel bad?

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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Why don’t I feel bad?

Postby AprilShowers2323 » Mon Sep 09, 2019 6:08 pm

My uncle (by marriage) started playing with me when I was 10 and continued until he and my aunt moved out of state when I was 13. I’m 26 now. The thing is I feel no anger, no guilt, no remorse. I don’t feel damaged. I have no triggers and I don’t hate the man that did it to me all of which leaves me really confused. Every thing I see and hear says I shouldn’t be happy, that I need to deal with it, that I should want him to pay for what he did. But none of that’s true and that bothers me. Am I a broken person for not hating him and what happened?

My mom was a single mother and I’m an only child. My biological dad wasn’t in the picture (and still isn’t) although he did contribute money which, combined with my mom’s income, allowed us to live a pretty comfortable life. My aunt (my mom’s only sibling) and uncle lived a block away so I saw them all the time.

The first time it happen my mom and aunt were gone for a long ‘girls’ weekend. I was suppose to stay with my best friend but a couple of days before they were scheduled to leave she got very sick (actually ended up in the hospital) and I was left with no place to stay. They contemplated not going and then my uncle stepped in and offered to watch me. I loved my uncle and was thrilled to spend the 3 days alone with him. Although this turned out to be a convenient opportunity I doubt it was the sole reason he started. I’m sure given time we would’ve went down the same path. Because I was a ‘latch key’ kid - single mom - and my uncle worked from home there were regular chances to see each other, in fact my mom asked him to check-in on me after school.

It ended when they moved out of state. All I knew for a few years was that my aunt got a new job, later I found out she’d had an affair with a co-worker and she agreed to change jobs to save the marriage. The first time I saw them after they moved I was crushed when we weren’t able to spend any time alone together. In fact he went out of his way to make sure we didn’t. At one point he did say something to the affect that I was special and he was sorry. Thinking back on it I’m not sure if meant he was sorry for what he did or that he couldn’t do it anymore. I see then once or twice a year and they’re still happily married. When we do see each other we always have a good visit and enjoy each other’s company. He’s never said or done anything ‘inappropriate’.

When I got into my later teens I made a few questionable choices including a 4 year long affair with a much older, married man but since I’ve gotten out of college I’ve focused on my career and fell in love with a wonderful guy my own age. And no, he doesn’t know.
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Re: Why don’t I feel bad?

Postby ArbreMonde » Thu Sep 19, 2019 2:58 pm

--Not all traumatic events lead to PTSD. Some people go through them like they would any other life event. It happens. It is less common for sexual abuse than for other traumas, but it happens.

You might also have dissociated from your emotions to protect yourself. It happens, too.

It's okay if you do not feel bad. You're one of the lucky few. You survived, now you're leading a meaningful life, and all is well. :) --
Key: ♂ he/him | ♀ she/her | ɸ they/them

Social: Zamiel ɸ (complex fusion & trauma holder)
Self-care: David ♂
Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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Re: Why don’t I feel bad? *TW*

Postby floss » Thu Oct 10, 2019 11:23 am

This is similar to my own situation.
I don't feel bad about my childhood, and if anything I feel bad for not feeling bad about it.

I've also worked in preschool childcare for the last 15 years, and have reported 4 cases that I considered suspicious to my supervisor, who has followed each one up.
So I'm very vigilant about child abuse and incest whenever I am suspicious of it.

*Trigger Warning*

Although I can't remember an earlier incident, I know from family photos that my dad sexually abused me while on holiday in Spain and that I was 6 years old.
But I also remember that it was very normal, and just a secret thing we often did and my biggest memory is we would just laugh a lot when he ejaculated so is happy loving memory and not one of feeling scared or even dirty.

When I was 10 years old we would often spend weekends together and although we wern't doing penetrative sex we were doing pretty much everything else and i was able to orgasm most times so became addictive for me.
I don't remember feeling any attraction to my dad, and the focus was always on how it was feeling. so i didn't feel like it was a guilty incest relationship ( not that I knew what that word even meant ) and more of a practical 'this is how to feel good and orgasm' process.

After we started doing penetrative sex together my hormones suddenly kicked in, or maybe that was already starting, but things became much more intense quickly and we starting kissing on the mouth while making love and then this also became part of our foreplay and eventually something we would do just for fun.
I still would not say I had 'romantic' feelings for my dad but definitely while love making we would sort of pretend we were in love. probably hard to explain to anyone not in similar situation, and could even have been 1 sided with that being myunderstanding and totally different for him. I don't know. But I feel like I was never romantically involved, and I fancied boys at school and dreamed of being their girlfriend etc..

I had a miscarriage when i was only 12 years old. It was a big surpsise for lots of reasons but main one being I didn't even know I was fertile.

I got pregant again at 14 and our baby daughter was born when I was only 15 years old. I lived at home for a few years, then moved in with a boyfriend when I was 16.

I had two more boyfriends, and then got married at 22. I already had a 2nd child from my husband before we were married.

Now I would say I am fairly happilly married, more so than most, we have 4 children, my eldest also has 2 children so I am a double grand-mother at 48 !

I still see my dad occasionally, we don't have a great relationship, but we still laugh when we are alone and haven't mentioned the abuse for decades. He will ask about our daughter a lot, but I am amazed at how naturally he talks about her, even when people are around. It is almost like he has convinced himself that he's not also her dad.
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Re: Why don’t I feel bad?

Postby Searching4Soulmate » Fri Jun 25, 2021 6:34 am

I had an uncle and aunt (who were more like a brother and sister because of a closeness in age) who tried to do things with me when I was in the 7 - 9 year old age range. None of the incidents progressed to their intended conclusions. We never discussed it over the ensuing years and became very close as friends before distance and other issues created rifts. I imagine that because of the trauma that so many others experience from similar situations that those of us who don't feel traumatized can consider ourselves fortunate (not for what happened to us but for not being traumatized by it).
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Re: Why don’t I feel bad?

Postby Terry E. » Sat Jun 26, 2021 3:41 am

I don't think there is anything wrong with not feeling bad about these incidents. later in your life as you grow that may change. I hope none of you ever have a big down moment, and continue to live happy lives.

What could have given you PTSD and life long trauma is coercion. Physical or emotional. Threatening physical harm or even giving physical harm ( in many forms). Threatening your mother. Making you fear him also doing this to your sister. Doing it when you have made it clear the answer was no. Threatening to disgrace you if you talked, to public shame you or your mother, threatening financial ruin, - "you all will be homeless if you don't do what I said. " Not caring about how painful it may be.

These are similar to many rape stories, and similar to much physical abuse and domestic violence. These are very hard to get over.
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