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To be or not to be..this is my question

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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To be or not to be..this is my question

Postby trueself » Thu Aug 15, 2019 5:28 pm

The question is do I let her continue to be the way she is or do I try to force her to confront her past abuse?

She is 45F, no kids and my long term GF. I was attracted to her hyper sexuality and continue to enjoy the delicious kinks in our relationship. Part of why our relationship works is I never judge her, I accept her past without any questions or issues and I have encouraged her to indulge her slutty self without guilt.

The problem is her past is filled with sexual abuse and grooming that started at a very young age. She has never expressed remorse or regret or any animosity to the persons who were responsible. A number of these persons are relatives that she continues to have to interact with.

She was raised by extended family after her parents separated early in her life and she and her alcoholic mother went to live with her sister, BIL and their 3 boys in a small town farming community. Not sure when it began, but it she started having sex with her boy cousins who were 6,8 and 12 years older from at least the age of 8. Sex with her cousins was made easier since she shared a bedroom with them. Her mother knew about it and put her on birth control at 11 to ensure there were no unwanted pregnancies.

We have had an open relationship and she enjoys attention from my buddies and some of her work colleagues. We have a tight circle (4 of us since high school) and we all share our GFs and wives. She confessed early on in our relationship that she still has sex with her cousins and a few uncles, which I accepted and did not guilt her for this. My guilt is that I used this to reinforce her happy ethical slut stereotype. Every social function that involves her consuming alcohol will invariably involve her wanting to give blowjobs and have sex. From her perspective, she feels a special bond with her cousins which still continues to this day. Sex to her is no different than yoga…a physical activity that releases stress and is healthy for you.

Many persons on this board with similar issues have sought therapy, discontinued contact with abusive relatives, processed the abuse and have learnt to cope and rebuild their lives. In the time that I have been with her, there has never even been a discussion about this and the question is do I bring it up and press the issue.

The question is whether she needs to process what was obvious CSA abuse or whether she should be left alone since she is clearly happy and contented with life. If I go down this path, it may cause a huge disruption in her existing relationships with years of therapy and bouts of depression.

Half of me says let her be and continue to enjoy life. The other half is worried about a future episode of depression.
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Re: To be or not to be..this is my question

Postby avatar123 » Fri Aug 16, 2019 11:54 am

I think this is ultimately her call to make. You are aware of the potential downside of her behavior and want to help her, and that is a good thing. But unless she sees it that way too, she may not be receptive to the idea of seeking help.

You can put the idea forward and see how she reacts, but I would not press it beyond that unless she displays interest. At least that way you can keep it on the table as an option for her in the future, if she begins to view it differently.

As far as yourself, you have to decide whether you are comfortable with it as well. You have control over yourself so you can make that decision for yourself, and act on it if you think it necessary. But you can't make it for her, unfortunately.
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Re: To be or not to be..this is my question

Postby Terry E. » Sat Aug 17, 2019 9:58 pm

A big part of needing to process abuse is so that we can function in society to achieve happy outcomes if not optimum outcomes. The big one is how can you be a good parent and steer your children through life if you are dragging baggage behind. I am guessing by what you have written that she has chosen to go down another path and without IVF and small miracles that cannot be changed.

She does not appear to have the damage common with abuse. Drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling, hoarding etc. The hyper sexuality is not followed by crushing guilt, or damages her other relationships, then why do you feel she needs fixing ??
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Re: To be or not to be..this is my question

Postby trueself » Sun Aug 18, 2019 2:10 pm

Thank you for your and my instinct is to let things continue to be as is. If at any point in the future things change, then we will deal with it at that point.

She seems very happy and positive about life...a job she likes, friends and a relationship that allows her as much guilt free sex as she needs to be a happy contented slut. She does consumes alcohol and weed regularly but will never consume to be point of being drunk or stoned. My sense of guilt is rooted in indulging and encouraging her sexual appetite. Her life revolves around a daily routine eating, sleeping, working, and sex.

On the subject of children, this is something that she would like but it has not happened as yet. We have spoken about raising a daughter and she has commented that she would raise her very differently given the opportunity. Some of close friends have children and great lengths are taken to ensure that their lifestyle of carefully concealed and no play happens in homes where kids reside. If the kids become adults (19+) and choose to adopt a similar lifestyle, then that's their choice to make. She has been off birth control for over 4 years and has a bit of breeding fantasy, so its not for lack of effort.

Until such a time that she expresses anything, we will let sleeping dogs lie. She is loved and cared for by the tribe who would do anything for her.
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