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Possible childhood sexual abuse from father + others

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Possible childhood sexual abuse from father + others

Postby tryingtomoveon » Thu Jun 20, 2019 8:59 pm

Hi,
Wondering if what I went through as a child & teen with my father counts as sexual abuse.

As a child, it started off with my father "wrestling" with me. He would wrestle with me and pin me down and then cover my mouth with his hand. That's all I remember about the wrestling. I remember he would also "tickle" my back while I was laying down. Like tracing his finger down my back in shapes. I think I was shirtless. He and I would sometimes spoon on the couch, clothed.

He kept somewhat pornographic magazines in the bathroom, although not always on the top of the magazine pile, but they were out where a curious child could find them.

My older half sister lived with us until I was around 8 maybe. My mother wasn't around. When I was around 9 years old, the police investigated my dad because my sister accused him of sexually abusing her. I found out about the accusation and really didn't want to believe it. My sister had moved away with my mom at that point. The police had no evidence so it was dropped.

I assume that maybe since my sister is not my Dad's biological child, he was more interested in sexually abusing her? Plus I got my period at around 9 years old, so maybe that stopped him from going any further?

But my Dad continued making me uncomfortable, because he would talk about sex a lot, in a way that I found inappropriate. He started making comments that I had a nice butt after I lost weight and he started paying more attention to me. He talked to me about his previous sex life with my mom, and how she wasn't very good and wouldn't give him anal sex as much as he'd like because it was too inconvenient etc. He'd tell me that I should always "swallow" for a guy. To him, women are here to please their man whether they want to or not, and look hot, and that's about it. At the table, while eating breakfast, he'd talk about swallowing and stuff. He made me toaster strudels and drew a penis on it with the icing. One time I asked "what should I do" because I was asking for advice about something, and he said "just make small circles," alluding to masturbating. I'd say most of our conversations would involve some sort of innuendo, it's not like we ever had heart to hearts or talked about normal things.

He was rather close with neighbourhood girls who were maybe 16 years old, (one was one of my sisters former friends) and I could see how he looked at them with lust. He'd make comments about my friends' bodies, when they were my age. He'd talk about things he wanted to do to young girls.

I was really messed up by it because part of me wanted fatherly love and attention, and he seemed to give these other girls my age more attention, so I'd starve myself and try to be more like them. The more I starved myself the more attention I got. But on the other hand I was repulsed by his behavior and I was scared of him, scared that he'd do something to me. Sometimes I tried telling him I didn't like it when he talked about sex with me, and he would get mad and call me a prude, and punish me by making me feel like I was "bad". Withdraw his love. So I'd try to just walk on eggshells around him and paste on a smile when he talked about things that made my skin crawl. This pasting on a mask and pretending things are ok, this is something that has really stuck with me throughout my life, as I've ended up dating men like my father and hiding my true feelings. I tend to go inwards and live inside of myself in some sort of fantasy land.

I think he may have done something to my brother, as my brother exhibited inappropriate sexual behaviors as a kid, and my brother also held me down and humped me as a teen, something I figure he must have learned from him.

I kept seeking out a father figure in the form of older men. My junior high school teacher who I'd confided in tried to take advantage of me, but thankfully that didn't happen. My first time, at 15, was statutory rape, and I'd been drinking. I was naive enough to think he cared about me. I feel disgusted when I think of the older men that I let use me. The repulsive sex that was completely devoid of love. I wish I could erase my memories.

Now as an adult, I mostly try not to think about it all, but the other day my boyfriend was tickling my back, and it made me think of my Dad and wonder if he had been grooming me. It's awful to look back at all the affection you got from a parent and try to figure out which parts were grooming and which parts were normal.

I have a hard time with sex and relationships now. I feel repulsed by men a lot and I get triggered by certain things, but I still feel guilty saying "no" or "stop". My Dad's explicit conversations about sex have made it so that sex often reminds me of my father.

Is what he did, sexual abuse? I don't remember him ever touching my private areas, or him doing anything sexual with me. Just the possible grooming and the sexual talks.
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Re: Possible childhood sexual abuse from father + others

Postby aubesu2 » Fri Jun 21, 2019 3:14 am

In my book, you were without question Sexually Abused by your Father.. And if you read the definition at StopNow, I think in their book too:
https://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/d ... xual-abuse

A parent withholding emotional support and affection from a child until that child gratifies the Parent’s need for sexualized interaction is just abhorrent and is Sexual Abuse; and the interactions that you described between you and your Father were undoubtedly sexualized. BTW, It sounds like emotional abuse as well.

It really is about. Impact: note how you feel about Sex. Note how you feel about intimacy and note the type of Men with whom you customarily form romantic/sexual relationships as well as how inherently abusive those relationships are.

Have you considered finding a therapist who specializes in Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA)? Perhaps joining a support group? Do your homework and do not hesitate to “shop” to find the right Therapist or Group for you. Your exploration will validate more and more what you know in your heart to be true, as well as provide a basis for you to heal.

Best Wishes!
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