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CPTSD

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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CPTSD

Postby bronzedorange » Tue Jun 11, 2019 11:34 am

[Trigger Warning] ?

Hi guys,
I'm a little out of it so sorry if this doesn't make any sense. I just wanted to write this because a lot of what's going on internally, and the memories that have finally started to surface feel fake and I feel like a massive fraud. I'm just going to dump some whatever this is here because I feel the need to get this out of my system. I'm not expecting a lengthy reply, I just want to know that someone has read it and feel heard I guess.
I've been through a lot of different categories of "abuse", BUT they are not nearly as bad as what other people have gone through. I am feeling so over-dramatic as I am processing my past with my therapist (and by myself). Whenever I cry, I feel dramatic and hate myself because I don't know what to make of anything anymore.
I don't remember pretty much all of my childhood or teenagehood *mod edit* so these are estimates.
From the ages of 3-15, I was and watched my 2 siblings be physically abused. We were hit with palm tree branches with the fronds removed and spikes left. My dad would scream at the top of his lungs before he did. I remember one memory of my father relentlessly, non-stop whipping my brother with the branch as hard as he could for a long time. He would always make us lie down with our bottoms facing up before he whipped us. My dad, only for 1-3 years(?) used to hit my mum—I can't vividly recall that image, but I can recall my mum's reaction to it and her crying for him to stop so I'm kind of connecting the dots here. My dad would often get into rage fits and throw objects on the ground to shatter them and scare us. My dad was an (undiagnosed) narcissist so I'm not even going to bother getting into detail about the endless emotional abuse (manipulation, gaslighting). I remember the police showed up at our door a few times, which I would assume meant my neighbours were calling them, but we always dismissed them and shoved everything to the outside world under the rug.

*mod edit*

This part is where I'm unsure/feel dramatic/like a fraud. This memory only just surfaced through processing everything from the past. From the ages of 3-6, my father used to touch me. I remember I would be lying on the bed, and my dad would join me. He would start by putting his hands around my feet, which I loved, because my feet were always cold and his hands would warm them. But then he would start putting his hands in my pants, feel my bum, and feel my crotch (not rub/masturbate or anything). He would then put his hands up my shirt and feel my chest and back. He would do this whole body touching all the time and I convinced myself it was normal. One day *mod edit*, I was thinking about this and remember that he used to do something similar to my male cousin *mod edit*. My cousin who was about 8-13 (?) would be watching the tv and my dad would come over and put his hands in his pants and feel his bum and genitals as my dad tried to talk/laugh with him. My cousin became silent/kind of froze and I could tell he was uncomfortable. Knowing this has made me realise that my dad might have/have had a thing for young children. Whenever he touched me as a toddler, I felt confused, but as I grew up I would justify to myself that it was his casual way of showing affection. But then when I remember that he did something similar to my male cousin, this explanation just does not make sense. Anyway, I feel super dramatic and like a fraud for insinuating this was inappropriate and have cried a lot thinking about everything. I feel very conflicted. Was this inappropriate??
I don't know how to end this so I'll leave it here...
Thanks for reading
Last edited by Snaga on Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: privacy edits
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Re: CPTSD

Postby Snaga » Wed Jun 12, 2019 5:21 am

bronzedorange wrote: I feel very conflicted. Was this inappropriate??


Well, I'm a moderator, and you see I've moved this to sexual abuse, so.... I'm kinda thinking it was very inappropriate and more than a little creepy. I had a pederast sit and chat with me with his hands down my pants when I was a young teen- I call it, 'grooming'. So yes.

I can understand why part of you feels fraudulent- we.. seek to blame ourselves, sometimes. Or think well they didn't do X so was it really? Or maybe it was my fault.. Or I enjoyed it, so it wasn't really, was it?

Well I'm going to call them bad touches, sweetie.

And in moving it, I decided it needed to be here, because that's where the post led to, and I think you'll find folks that agree with what I said- that yes I think it was quite inappropriate and a grown man knows better. I've had younger cousins, I have a godchild, and never once has it seriously occurred to me, to 'show affection' by sticking my hands up their clothes. Ew.
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