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I think my grandfather sexually abused me

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I think my grandfather sexually abused me

Postby ijustwantoknow » Wed May 01, 2019 10:05 pm

First I want to start off by saying- I am not sure of anything. I don’t want to jump to conclusions. I’m afraid I may be making this up for attention. I don’t know. But I will say what i know for certain. Hi, my name is Rj and i’m 16. My grandfather (who’s lived across the country my whole life) has just move in with my mother, and i stay at my mom’s house half the week- the other half at my dad’s. I’ve met my grandfather several times. He typically visits for one week every year. This time he’s here to stay. He makes me very uncomfortable. I suffer from depression and anxiety but when I’m around him- my anxiety is off the charts. I have reason to believe he may have sexually abused me. Since victims of abuse sometimes repress memories of their assualt- this wouldnt be completely crazy. When I was 6 years old, i went to visit my grandfather for three weeks. I remember nothing from those 3 weeks aside from asking my mother everyday “how many days until we can go home?” Now i’m going to say something that i don’t know for sure is linked to this- but it might. after that trip (idk how long after which is why im not sure this is relevant) i went to the doctors to get a check up. The doctor told my mother that i was red and irritated “down there”. My mom asked me about it later and i told her i didnt know. He just got here 2 days ago and the first thing he said to me was “Most 15 year olds are little girls, but you’re a woman.” He makes me uncomfortable and gives me severe anxiety although i dont REMEMBER him ever trying anything with me. If he had abused me it would explain a lot of things. It would explain why sometimes i just feel so dirty i wanna rip out my hair and take off my skin. it would explain my self harm. my depression. my anxiety. my abandonment, trust, commitment, and intimacy issues. it would explain why certain smells and sounds give me so much anxiety although idk why. when i was around 9/10 i became obsessed with watching these youtube videos about child abuse. It was stories of victims of child abuse and i was so invested in it. that might explain that. Also, he used to play a weird game with me and my 2 sisters. He called it “pressure”. He would hit the bottoms of our feet. each hit would get harder- whoever could stand it the longest won. idk, i felt that was worth mentioning. Anyways, any help would be appreciated thank you so much for reading and i hope to get some closure on this one day.
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Re: I think my grandfather sexually abused me

Postby avatar123 » Sun May 05, 2019 10:56 am

Sorry you are going through this. Your grandfather sounds odd and possibly a little creepy, but it doesn't sound like there is any real evidence that he did anything to you as a child. If memories are repressed, they should surface eventually. So you could be open to that possibility and be on the lookout for it. But it is important to have something substantial to go on, before you make that kind of allegation.

As far as how he behaves around you now, if you are uncomfortable you might talk to your mom about it. She should be able to arrange things so as to minimize the discomfort, and your interactions with him. It would be good to make her aware in advance, in case his behavior does get out of line.

Another thing you could do is talk to your dad, he might be willing to have you around more if things get too stressful at your mom's. It's good to have a safe haven you can go to, to help relieve your anxiety.

I can see where this would be a stressful situation for you, so having ways available to help manage the stress would be helpful. Maybe both your parents will help you with that, if you ask them, and make them aware how you're feeling.
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Re: I think my grandfather sexually abused me

Postby ssnakebitess » Tue May 14, 2019 1:05 pm

hi,

I have a similar experience of not being able to know if someone, my grandfather or my father or my mom's boyfriend or all three have sexually abused me in the past. I similarly suffer from high levels of anxiety and depression and have many issues surrounding sexuality and intimacy and my relationship with my body that began to show at an early age. There are periods of time that I have the feeling inappropriate occurrences happened but no tangible memories to accompany my feelings. I would read books and had an interest in "darker" or sad subjects since an early age about abuse or abandonment, and am very empathic to the point of needing to relearn boundaries that seem to have been broken down. I suffer in my day to day recently of being able to keep my mind away from noticing peoples bodies and sexual organs in a very non-sexual way that is almost like the existence of people near me triggers me and makes me aware of their sexuality and mine in a way that makes me nervous and uncomfortable and makes my interactions strange and uncomfortable for the most part as well. I am posting to try to cope with the effects my anxiety is having on my day to day life, and I am happy to be able to read someone's post I can relate to because it is difficult to deal with the pressure of not knowing if you were victimized or not.

I think that your feelings of discomfort around that person are valid regardless.

Thanks for posting.

Sincerely,
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Re: I think my grandfather sexually abused me

Postby anonymoususer » Sat May 18, 2019 4:49 am

I've been through similar! You aren't alone. It wasn't my grandfather, but my memories are suppressed and the doubt I've felt over the years has been unbearable. I just posted an update on a thread I started in 2012 about this exact thing. Here's the link to my thread: https://www.psychforums.com/sexual-abuse-incest/topic92269.html

With that said, I wanted to let you know that therapy has helped me TREMENDOUSLY (after I found a good therapist) and I'm not nearly as torn as I have been in the past. This is what I commented on my thread most recently as an update from when I first posted in 2012:

Hi all. I don't know if anyone still looks at these threads. I only just rediscovered this after many years of searching. In fact, I was just talking to my therapist about this post last week in our session, so it's ironic that I found it again.

I am currently in therapy doing EMDR to process trauma. Right now, we're working through my sexual abuse. My therapist is AMAZING and never leads the process. She lets me do all the talking and guiding throughout our EMDR work, which leads me to have confidence in the things I've discovered in this process.

Since starting EMDR (and since my first post here) I've had several other memories come to light, including physical memories (where I feel it but don't visualize what happened). The severity and certainty I felt when these memories came back leads me to feel sure I was molested, even though I know very little about the experience and even though I still feel that doubt.

Along with all of this, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and OCD, which could feed into my constant self-doubt. My therapist thinks the constant doubt and berating my mind causes me to feel is at least somewhat led by the obsessive-thoughts side of my OCD, which makes complete sense. She's helping me learn to cope with the doubts and to recognize and remember those moments when I felt 100% sure this was real.

All of this came to a head when I was forcefully kissed by a young man I trusted back in 2014. He isn't a bad guy or a predator. He was just an idiot. But this experience was extremely triggering to me and led me down a path for 3.5 years of struggling, as well as mental health issues that increasingly got worse over time until I could no longer forego a therapist. I was really blessed to have a great experience with this one, since my first attempt (right after the forceful kissing) was a terrible experience.

Anyway, since my original post, I've come to understand that I'm not crazy. Regardless of what happened that caused this much impact, it DID impact me so severely that I was almost agoraphobic at one point (in 2017) and that I feared men and had panic attacks. Smells and sounds and textures would trigger me and my brain would automatically associate them with the abuse. These things and so many other experiences have led me to feel confident that I am a survivor of sexual abuse.

On an even more positive note, I am happily married and sexually functional, which I was 100% sure would be impossible for me. After that experience in 2014, I realized that if I didn't seek some sort of help/healing, I wouldn't be functional sexually with a future spouse because I was just far too afraid. I was lucky to find someone who is amazingly patient and loving and compassionate. I feel safe and have taken back my sexuality and I am grateful that I had that opportunity.

I wanted to post this comment for a few reasons:

1) To give hope to those who may be in the middle of what I experienced. I'm not out of it yet, and I know it'll still impact me throughout my life, but I am so much more aware and so much better off than I was when I first posted.
2) To update those who commented (if they're even still around) on my progress.

Thank you!
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