Our partner

My story, root of obsessions with my teachers/superiors?

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

Moderator: seabreezeblue

Forum rules
You are entering a forum that contains discussions of abuse, some of which are explicit in nature. The topics discussed may be triggering to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum. If you are posting about actions of yours which you feel are/were abusive please post about this in The Remorse Forum. If you have been falsely accused of abusing someone please post in the For Those Falsely Accused of Abusing thread.

Please also note that discussions about Incest in this forum are only in relation to abuse. Discussions about Incest in a non-abusive context are not allowed at PsychForums.

Thank you for your cooperation.

The Mod Team

My story, root of obsessions with my teachers/superiors?

Postby 98c15 » Sat Apr 06, 2019 2:10 am

9 years ago summer time I got “involved” with an older man G. I was 13 and he was 27. He was the uncle to a boy N who I had a crush on and I would go to their house so I could be around N. G had looked after me when I was younger, while mum was at work. They lived on the same street as us and were close to my family. N was 15/16 at the time and that summer we had made out and had sex once. During the same summer, I had gone to theirs as usual and G offered me alcohol and I took it. I ended up having sex with G, I was very drunk and barely remember much of what happened. I remember G messaging me about the incident on Facebook several days later and I just cried and blocked him. I completely avoided their entire family after that incident and never told anyone. We moved house soon after which meant I wouldn't bump into anyone from that family, not even N who I had a crush on. I carried shame and guilt for years and blamed myself for drinking the alcohol. It’s only years after that I learnt that was child abuse and G was in the wrong for giving me alcohol raping me.
I remember everything changing after that, I would cry all the time in private and be easily irritated. I avoided my family by staying upstairs unless I was asked to do something. I become obsessed with my image and wanted to be as skinny as possible, I can’t remember why this started. I would run a lot and starve myself and make myself sick after meals with family. Mum was concerned about my weight, she took me to the doctors and started paying attention to my physical health and literally forcing me to eat.
Around about that period, I developed a different obsession. This time with my secondary school teachers, but specifically Mrs K. I worked very hard in school and was constantly seeking hers and other teachers’ approval. She became like a mother to me and I would share my personal life with her. This obsession was somewhat positive as I ended up getting mostly A*s at GCSE.

I moved to another school for sixth-form and another obsession developed, this time a sexual obsession with a male teacher M who was probably in his 40s. I would think about him all the time, hang around near his office so I can bump into him. I'd constantly fantasize about having sex with him. I would dress promiscuously if I had a class with him. I would try to impress him with my body as well as by getting good grades. He lives near my house and I had seen him a few times after school and weekends. I would go to our local supermarket around the time I knew he might be there, and go jogging near his house hoping to bump into him. This was a tough period as I was trying hard to get good grades and get into Med School but at the same time, I was dealing with constant sexual thoughts.
Eventually, thoughts stopped being just about him and started involving others. Like, I’d be on the bus or walking along a street or in a shop and I would fantasize about having sex with a stranger I came across. I was constantly getting intrusive sexual thoughts.

Fast forward to end of year 13, I got straight As but didn’t get into med-school so had to take a gap year. I got a job in a hospital as a health care assistant and one of the consultants started helping me to prepare for med school interviews. He became my new obsession, I would make every excuse to talk to him on the wards or out of hours in his office. Eventually, we got sexually intimate but didn’t have sex.
During the gap year, I became obsessed with older married men. I never seek relationships or sex with boys my age. One of the things I will regret until I die is having sex with my best friend's dad during my gap year. My friend was at university and our families are very close, her dad has been and still is a father figure to me from a young age. The memory of having sex with him makes me sick. The sexual thoughts while in public persisted. At times I would act on those thoughts and pursue someone. By the time I started university, I had slept with over 20 people, most of them a lot older than me, but most would have some sort of role/encounter in my life, for example, doctors at work, lifeguards, family acquaintances etc.
I’m now in my early twenties and in 4th yr of medical school. I got therapy at Uni over the sexual abuse while I was a child. However, I still get sexual fantasies about my lecturers. It’s usually one a time but there’s always one that I’m constantly emailing and trying to get personal towards, hanging around his department to see and talk to him. Like today, I spent over 1hr in my lecturer's office talking about personal stuff and felt really low when he had to leave. Now that I’m older, these obsessions and thoughts worry me and make me feel very guilty. I know how selfish it is because I could jeopardise the lecturer’s career and reputation.

I’ve never had a proper boyfriend and never felt loved by a guy that way. I’ve confined with one of my friends about my worries about potentially being a sex addict and having an unhealthy obsession, but she says that I’m just a normal young adult with sexual thoughts. I know I’m not mentally ok because I struggle to fight sexual thoughts and I’m always striving to have sex with people I shouldn’t have sex with. It feels very wrong.
Often when I’m in a low mood the things I’ve done /thought of doing really hurt me. I feel like I’m the most horrible person in the world sometimes. I’d turned to alcohol but I realised that I could become an alcoholic, I attempted suicide once while drunk, so I stopped keeping alcohol at home and I force myself to not drink for a few months then once in a while I’ll drink while on a night out.
I really need to know that there’s someone out there who can relate somehow to my story, so I know I’m not alone. If there’s a void in me, then what could it be? Has anyone who has gone through this/ know someone who has, know what I could do?
I really want to be successful in life and become a great doctor, but I’m scared that I will get obsessed with my patients or superiors etc. and ruin my life or theirs. If anyone out there could please give me advice, do I have a problem? Obsession? sex addiction? Would it have anything to do with the incident when I was 13? Will I just grow out of this phase and be able to form a healthy relationship in future?
98c15
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Apr 06, 2019 1:09 am
Local time: Thu Apr 25, 2019 6:33 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: My story, root of obsessions with my teachers/superiors?

Postby avatar123 » Sat Apr 06, 2019 5:28 pm

Sorry you are going through this. I think you may have hit the nail on the head, when you said you seek approval, especially from authority figures. That comes from establishing your value in the eyes of others, instead of in your own eyes. You mentioned sex addiction, but maybe addiction to approval is closer to the mark.

One of the ways you've done this is with sex, since you recognize that is valued by the men from which you seek approval. But you've done it in other ways as well, such as academic performance. Either way, you want to stand out and be noticed, to prove yourself and be loved because of it.

That generally comes from an upbringing where too great an emphasis is placed on what a child does, as opposed to who the child is. All children have intrinsic value that should be made very clear to them. Parents can overlook this even without intending harm, but some children also put that pressure to perform on themselves.

My guess is the episode when you were 13 was partially related to approval, you wanted to be liked and accepted by that family, and especially your crush. But to be clear, what the older guy did to you was clearly rape and there is no excuse for it at all. He took advantage of your vulnerability in that situation. Wanting to be liked is not a crime, what he did is a crime.

Also the period you went through afterwards was typical for survivors, and it's not that unusual for sex to be viewed differently afterwards. You may have learned that you were valued that way, which may have fed into your desire for approval.

So maybe the question to ask yourself, is why the approval of others is so important. You are a classic overacheiver, you've obviously done extremely well if you are in medical school. So you represent a huge intrinsic value, and you don't need others for that to be true. The value resides in you, not in them. I think maybe if you can work toward recognizing that basic truth, the urge to win approval from them will diminish. Also the void that you mentioned, could be filled by your own awareness of how valuable you are, and the enjoyment of life that should rightly flow from that. If you beleive this, others will see it too and you will have interest from guys your own age.

If you feel like you can't get there on your own, there's no shame in that, we all need help when it comes to being objective about ourselves. In that case maybe using the counseling services at your school will help. You don't have to reveal the identities of your obsessions, it's enough to say you have them and want to stop and have a healthier life. Or if the school is too close for comfort, you could look into other counseling services.

Anyway I hope that helps somewhat. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be valued and loved, but that also starts with yourself.
avatar123
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 530
Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2010 5:33 pm
Local time: Thu Apr 25, 2019 12:33 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My story, root of obsessions with my teachers/superiors?

Postby 98c15 » Mon Apr 08, 2019 12:47 pm

Hi Avatar123, thank you very much for your reply. It means a lot that you took the time to read my post and respond. I understand you and when I read your comment I really felt your words speaking right into my soul and I could really relate. My dad was very smart academically and successful and I've always wanted to be like him, though I get worried about becoming an alcoholic like him, which is what killed him 4 years ago. I have one brother who is 5 yrs older than me and I'm always trying to show him that I can do anything that he can, such as being financially independent, be more athletic, fix things at home, buy appliances for my mum e.t.c.
You made me realise things that I've never even thought of, such as using sex as a way of seeking approval. I knew that I like to be noticed and valued but it has never occurred to me that I've used sex that way. I know the first step of overcoming something is being aware of it, so I've made that step
I've never really thought of how much I've needed approval from others, but to be honest, my friend has mentioned it before, when I was applying for medical schools, she said I'm looking at places that will look good and be approved by others, not where I actually wanted. I've realised that I often ask my friend's and sisters opinions when buying things because I'm very unsure of my own opinions, I don't know how to overcome this yet, but now that I am aware of it, I will find out.
After reading the response it dawned on me that the one thing I should be as sure of myself and my achievements. I'm yet to answer the question of why approval from others has been so important to me
Just yesterday, I went to church for the first time if 6 weeks, I got baptized with the holy spirit ( not sure if this means anything to you but that doesn't matter" The concept of approval has been on my mind since, and I'm becoming more and more sure of myself and feeling like the void I previously felt if being filled with joy and affirmations of my value in the eyes of others doesn't matter, only God's.

Thanks again
98c15
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Apr 06, 2019 1:09 am
Local time: Thu Apr 25, 2019 6:33 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My story, root of obsessions with my teachers/superiors?

Postby 98c15 » Thu Apr 11, 2019 12:34 pm

Hi Avatar123, thank you very much for your reply. It means a lot that you took the time to read my post and respond. I understand you and when I read your comment I really felt your words speaking right into my soul and I could really relate. My dad was very smart academically and successful and I've always wanted to be like him, though I get worried about becoming an alcoholic like him, which is what killed him 4 years ago. I have one brother who is 5 yrs older than me and I'm always trying to show him that I can do anything that he can, such as being financially independent, be more athletic, fix things at home, buy appliances for my mum e.t.c.
You made me realise things that I've never even thought of, such as using sex as a way of seeking approval. I knew that I like to be noticed and valued but it has never occurred to me that I've used sex that way. I know the first step of overcoming something is being aware of it, so I've made that step
I've never really thought of how much I've needed approval from others, but to be honest, my friend has mentioned it before, when I was applying for medical schools, she said I'm looking at places that will look good and be approved by others, not where I actually wanted. I've realised that I often ask my friend's and sisters opinions when buying things because I'm very unsure of my own opinions, I don't know how to overcome this yet, but now that I am aware of it, I will find out.
After reading the response it dawned on me that the one thing I should be as sure of myself and my achievements. I'm yet to answer the question of why approval from others has been so important to me
Just yesterday, I went to church for the first time if 6 weeks, I got baptized with the holy spirit ( not sure if this means anything to you but that doesn't matter" The concept of approval has been on my mind since, and I'm becoming more and more sure of myself and feeling like the void I previously felt if being filled with joy and affirmations of my value in the eyes of others doesn't matter, only God's.

Thanks again

avatar123 wrote:Sorry you are going through this. I think you may have hit the nail on the head, when you said you seek approval, especially from authority figures. That comes from establishing your value in the eyes of others, instead of in your own eyes. You mentioned sex addiction, but maybe addiction to approval is closer to the mark.

One of the ways you've done this is with sex, since you recognize that is valued by the men from which you seek approval. But you've done it in other ways as well, such as academic performance. Either way, you want to stand out and be noticed, to prove yourself and be loved because of it.

That generally comes from an upbringing where too great an emphasis is placed on what a child does, as opposed to who the child is. All children have intrinsic value that should be made very clear to them. Parents can overlook this even without intending harm, but some children also put that pressure to perform on themselves.

My guess is the episode when you were 13 was partially related to approval, you wanted to be liked and accepted by that family, and especially your crush. But to be clear, what the older guy did to you was clearly rape and there is no excuse for it at all. He took advantage of your vulnerability in that situation. Wanting to be liked is not a crime, what he did is a crime.

Also the period you went through afterwards was typical for survivors, and it's not that unusual for sex to be viewed differently afterwards. You may have learned that you were valued that way, which may have fed into your desire for approval.

So maybe the question to ask yourself, is why the approval of others is so important. You are a classic overacheiver, you've obviously done extremely well if you are in medical school. So you represent a huge intrinsic value, and you don't need others for that to be true. The value resides in you, not in them. I think maybe if you can work toward recognizing that basic truth, the urge to win approval from them will diminish. Also the void that you mentioned, could be filled by your own awareness of how valuable you are, and the enjoyment of life that should rightly flow from that. If you beleive this, others will see it too and you will have interest from guys your own age.

If you feel like you can't get there on your own, there's no shame in that, we all need help when it comes to being objective about ourselves. In that case maybe using the counseling services at your school will help. You don't have to reveal the identities of your obsessions, it's enough to say you have them and want to stop and have a healthier life. Or if the school is too close for comfort, you could look into other counseling services.

Anyway I hope that helps somewhat. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be valued and loved, but that also starts with yourself.
98c15
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Apr 06, 2019 1:09 am
Local time: Thu Apr 25, 2019 6:33 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Sexual Abuse and Incest Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 32 guests