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I'm new here. I could use some help.

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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I'm new here. I could use some help.

Postby ChocolateCheesecake » Mon Feb 11, 2019 3:29 pm

Hi! I'm new, and I'm fairly unfamiliar with all things technology related. I've never really been on a forum before recently. The past few days I've been trying to find a place to talk with other survivors. I don't know exactly why. I'm just hoping that it might help somehow.

I am just starting to realize the impact that my abuse had on me. Until recently, I was really good at holding myself together. I saw a picture of the person who hurt me, and all of the sudden I fell apart. I haven't been able to keep it together since.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I just want it all to go away. A few months ago I told someone about what happened for the first time, and I'm starting to think that maybe telling her made things worse. When it was just in my head, it was easier to pretend it wasn't real.

I guess I have two main issues that I could use some help with. For one, the person that I opened up to doesn't seem to understand what's going on at all. She just wants me to feel better, so she trys to distract me with fun shows or games. I appreciate what she's trying to do, but sometimes I just can't pull away from all of the bad thoughts. I don't know how to help her to understand that.

I think what's more troubling is my memory. A lot of memories have come back, and it's been hard to handle. One thing is that I think I created a person in my mind that didn't exist, like a fictional monster, to be responsible for what happened. I tried to put all of the confusion and anger onto that fake person, instead of the real abuser.

I'm just really confused. I could use any suggestions that anyone has. I'd try anything to feel better. I just don't know what to do. Nothing seems to help. I'd appreciate anything that anyone might have to tell me, even just to know that I'm not totally alone would be something that I haven't felt in a long time.
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Re: I'm new here. I could use some help.

Postby Terry E. » Mon Feb 11, 2019 7:11 pm

I will reply more later, but you are not alone and what you feel and how you have dealt with it is common for many of us. (now I must rush to work)
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Re: I'm new here. I could use some help.

Postby ChocolateCheesecake » Tue Feb 12, 2019 12:18 am

Thank you! I really appreciate you saying that and taking the time to respond. :)

-- Mon Feb 11, 2019 7:18 pm --

Thank you! I really appreciate you saying that and taking the time to respond. :)
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Re: I'm new here. I could use some help.

Postby Terry E. » Tue Feb 12, 2019 1:29 am

Okay I can talk about two things now more maybe later. I will reread and see what I can come up with.

Firstly, for many of us, we get on with life, bury this stuff in a box and show no outward signs of what happened. This I think is most of us. Then for many of us, when all is looking good, maybe late 30s to early 50s, when we are settled, partnered, possibly children it starts to unravel. The reasons vary but a trigger like yours can really cause a major crash and burn. I will not bore you, but I have seen some survivors achieve real greatness no matter how it was measured, then launch into savage uncontrollable self abuse. (And she probably knows more about this stuff than anyone I will ever meet).

Why we should crash so bad it is hard to understand. BUT and this is the big BUT. We can come out of it with better understanding and greater resilience. The time for that varies a lot, but I am just telling you it is more likely than staying where you are. I honestly think it will get better.

Now about your friend. This is my story but I hope it makes some sense. I have a ground hog day perpetually with my wife. She knows very little but is learning more as I am now able to discuss it without showing extreme pain. What I have found is that the worse it is (extreme physical, emotional , neglect and Munchhausens), she literally cannot hear it. She keeps talking but very little is retained. Last time I knew exactly which question she would ask and what her reaction would be (that was at least the third time)... and this is someone who cares for me very much.

There was an incident where I just wrapped a towel around my mothers head and called a cab. Lots of blood. A friend (another survivor) then said and what did you do - I replied I got a clean shirt and went to work. Until that moment I had never seen how bizarre that scene was. This life we call our own by most standards is extreme.

For someone who has had an ordinary life, to hear you talk about your life and to see your pain (I am guessing) causes them pain. It can be a great way to get rid of friends. She has no idea what to say. She sees a friend in pain, and it hurts her as well. Our friends are there and will help us but unless they have first hand experience with this stuff they really cannot help..

Reason why counseling and support groups are so good. Reason that this place exists and I keep coming back.

( PS> I am glad you sound a little better)
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Re: I'm new here. I could use some help.

Postby ChocolateCheesecake » Wed Feb 13, 2019 2:37 pm

Thank you, Terry. I think you're right. I hope it does get better and I come out with more resilience. I'm so glad to have a place like this with other people, like you, who might be able to understand. Thank you. I feel better just knowing that I can come here, now. I've never had anything like this before.

I had another question, if you or anyone might have time to answer. I was wondering how best to use the forum? I don't know exactly how or what I should do. I am so glad to have a place like this, but I am worried that it might be too much to read through some of the posts. I'm just unsure of how to do this so that it's helpful for me and maybe for other people, too.


Thanks!
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Re: I'm new here. I could use some help.

Postby Terry E. » Thu Feb 14, 2019 4:26 am

Thanks for the kind words. This is a very quiet place, which considering how few resources are out there kind of surprises me. Child sex abuse is way under reported if this place is any guide. The other forum areas of child abuse and PTSD all sort of flow in together with it.

I am extreme long term physical and also Munchhausen by Proxy. A very unusual case. I have several physical issues I deal with but I am now okay with it. I was not for a very long time. I had an anger not just with my abusers but also with a society that turned its back on a desperate child. I think I still carried that anger when I joined here 5 years ago. I was successful in sports, business but if anyone scratched beneath the surface it showed. Luckily my wife is a survivor who due to her own issues allowed me the space from society I needed.

After 5 years here do I still have issues? Yep, but now I don't care. I know how to hide them, how to avoid triggers and not try to be like everyone else. I am probably happier now than anytime in my life. I also have many strengths that ordinary people would envy.

Being here so many things have dropped into place. Often when that happens I come on and post about it and often get a lot of "me too" respones.

I have also found in discussing stuff with other survivors that I have "ah ha" moments and realise that many things I thought were normal are part of my survival pattern. It has brought me greater peace and understanding.

I think one of the worst things is the feeling that "we are out of step and we are wrong". Looking at the world it is easy for us to feel strange and then thoughts of "was it me", cannot be far behind.

What others here have taught me was that very young Terry survived by doing what he could. I now take pride in that not shame.

What may now happen to you is that whatever box you had your stuff boxed in, it is now open and it will not go back in. Things may start to come into focus, things that may make you question some of those around you, possibly some of the choices you have made. If that is the case, don't keep it in, but let it out here.

At the end of the day the biggest thing I have learned, is that no matter how unfair the world is, we need to take as much responsibility for our own happiness as we can.

Take care.
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Re: I'm new here. I could use some help.

Postby avatar123 » Thu Feb 14, 2019 2:46 pm

Chocolate, welcome! In terms of using the forum, it's meant to be a safe outlet for you, in whatever way you need. So I think you can talk about pretty much anything, without worries about length or content. It will be read by many people and if someone thinks they can help or contribute, they will respond. You can also respond to other's posts if you feel you have something helpful to say. The forum works by members providing mutual support, in a safe and anonymous environment. So all contributions are welcome, and you can participate at your own comfort level.

With regard to how you're feeling, I think Terry has answered really well and would only add that you are not alone in having those feelings and those reactions, and that I too hope you do better as you work through them. It can be a long process but as Terry says, it does get better.
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