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I have no idea where to start

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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I have no idea where to start

Postby mydesembr » Wed Jan 09, 2019 2:51 pm

I'm 33 years old....for several years as a child, from 9-12 years old, my older brother sexually abused me. It started out physical and i was terrified of him. He would lock me in closets, burn me with lighters and beat be unconscious. He used that fear eventually to force me into submission for the sexual abuse. It left me scarred for life and unsure about my sexuality(am not gay).i was molested two other times by neighbors but this was by far the more traumatic....I've turned to drugs in my life as i could not live with the torment and have been a heroin addict for 10 years. I'm currently in treatment and trying to fix my life and for the first time ever, am facing my trauma because i must heal to put down the drugs once and for all. I've tried to find support but sadly there is so little help to be found for male survivors. So I've turned here. I don't know where to begin to move on from this. I'm not the kind of person to ask for help this is a very huge step for me and quite difficult. I don't trust people and my ptsd fools me into thinking everyone who tries to help me is only doing so because they want the opportunity to violate me...and i lash out or shut down. But i know i must open up if i am to heal...so here i am
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Re: I have no idea where to start

Postby Terry E. » Sat Jan 12, 2019 12:58 am

For starters welcome, it is pretty quiet here but replies do happen and although they are late they often come from some very experienced people.

Congrats at you for your awareness. As you have discovered fixing yourself, finding some happiness out there is more dependent on ourselves than anyone or anything else.

There has been a long trend in clinical work to go back and pull our lives apart to find that deep seated issue. This has now been queried as possibly causing more harm than good (sorry to all those 10s of thousands who had that hellish experience - kind of staggering it took them so long to realize it).

Some of us get stuck on why or how can people who should love and care for us do such things. Maybe one day kick that around, but not sure it helps much now. Maybe just call him a psychopath and try your best to avoid ever dealing with him.

Save your mental energy for you.

You have not given us a huge amount to go on (apart from what a very unpleasant person you brother was - is) but moving forward happens with planning. Planning to improve health, social skills, work skills living environment. One step at a time. Small success in this lead to positive mental approach and more success.

Give us more detail and we can give more feedback, or maybe just throw anything on here you feel like. Ranting and venting happens here, and I have done my fair share of that too.

Sorry for the delay but I have been away and we have been very quiet over Christmas.

take care
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Re: I have no idea where to start

Postby mydesembr » Sat Jan 12, 2019 1:22 am

Thankn you very much for taking time out to respond to me...i was actually beginning to become a little discouraged...
Honestly, the few people I've told have been quite put off by my stance and feelings toward my brother. But I've had so many years to dwell on this and the way i feel is the way i feel...i don't hate him...i have forgiven him long ago...i know that at the age we were(he is 1 year and a half older than me) someone had to have hurt him in that way and he was projecting that hurt on the closest person to him. Some may say I'm excusing him but I'm not. I love my brother. All i ever wanted was his love and companionship. His own demons prevented him from giving me that and I've chosen not to be consumed by hating him. However i know the day will come that i will need to confront him and that terrifies me. I haven't been afraid of him since i reached puberty and outgrew him tremendously and took back my dominance over myself from him...but what he did really messed me up...it's very difficult for me to verbalize the details but i know i must face this...as i said he would physically torment me, take my blanket away from me and make me sleep naked under the open window in the winter, tie me to the bed post and blindfold me and randomly punch me into unconsciousness...throw Legos all over the floor and force me to run barefoot across the room...i lived in constant fear of the next torture...then one night he pulled me into bed with him and forced me to touch him and stroke him to orgasm...from there it progressed with him forcing me to perform oral sex on him regularly...all the while i was so happy he wasn't beating me and i just wanted him to show me love and i complied....but i remember the distinct feeling that i did not want to do this...the sexual abuse continued as i said from about 9 to 12 years old when i went from a scrawny kid to a 250pd young man...one day i fought back and i really kicked his ass bad...from that day on he never again could overpower me or dominate me...but i was left broken and scarred and believing that this was the only way i could ever feel the love of a man(my father was absent until my young adult years and i yearned for a man's love)..this led me into an unsafe situation with an older man where once again i knew i didn't want the act but was desperate for the love...i tried to kill myself that night...and since that night(15years old) my life has been nothing but a violent, destructive pursuit of chasing drugs and numbing the pain...i have no tolerance for men being aggressive, it gives me flashbacks and my survival instincts kick in and i become violent...i spent my younger years unsure of my sexuality and only recently came to realize it wasn't the sexuality but the male nurturing i was craving....I've never been in a consensual sexual situation with another man...they've always been forced upon me....i carry inside me a darkness, shame and sell hatred that i cannot overcome. I blame myself, i feel undeserving of real, true and pure love...i feel deserving of hurt and usury...i have children of my own and tho i love them immeasurably, i feel unworthy of their love....I'm broken...and i want to heal! I want to find peace...i don't want to drown my life out with drugs anymore...but there's so much pain...so much despair...i truly feel irredeemable
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Re: I have no idea where to start

Postby avatar123 » Sat Jan 12, 2019 6:21 am

Sorry you are going through this. It shouldn't matter whether you are male or female, the impact of abuse is the same either way. When the targets are children, it often doesn't matter to the abuser either. It's as much about an expression of power as it is of sexuality.

Your recovery is a difficult but honorable thing. As kids, we don't know how to handle abuse and often find unhealthy ways of dealing with it. It's not until later in life that we begin to assemble the pieces of the puzzle, and straighten ourselves out. So you are not alone here, you can draw some comfort from that. It's a tough road but there is a better life ahead if you take it. It sounds like you've made a good start, I hope that continues. Sometimes starting is the hardest part, the rest tends to fall into place as you go, as long as you keep trying. Just have to find the motivation to keep going. That can be tough too, but you can post further here if you need help.
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Re: I have no idea where to start

Postby Terry E. » Mon Jan 14, 2019 7:09 am

There can be some physical conflict between brothers but that Lego thing gave me chills. I know you have forgiven him, not sure that is helping you. I cut mine off and he has seen his nephews (his only other blood relatives other than me or my mother) only once since they were 12 and 9 (now 37 & 34).

Not sure confronting him helps much either.

At your age not sure that working all of the whys helps either.

Right now I think the thing may be to focus on the basics. Health, career, family. That means getting your addiction under control. Small steps and keep moving forward. Success in those small steps will do wonders to fix your self esteem, which reading between the lines appears to be one of the big issues.

You mentioned children. Are you married, separated, divorced ??

In the future once you have turned the corner their will be plenty of time to work out all the whys.
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