This $#%^ just keeps tracking me down!

I was molested as a child and that’s all I’m really going to say about it, but I made a decision to get it out in front of me and deal with it in the hope of desensitizing myself to it so it wasn’t such a horror when I thought of it everyday. Well it worked, or so I thought. After all of this time I realize that it has merely manifested in a different way.. I am raising my grandsons and I have a hard time touching them, being affectionate, and they need to be hugged badly. I also find that I don’t want to be touched, so I’m afraid that the monster has found another way to rear his ugly head. This $#%^ just keeps tracking me down. It just won’t go away. It’s like a mutating bacteria . When I change it changes with me.

Sorry you are going through this. Abuse messes up your boundaries and distorts your view of what is proper behavior, so abstaining is a way to be sure you are being socially acceptable, in the face of uncertainty. But that has consequences too. And as you said, the not wanting to be touched thing is a common outcome of abuse.

Even without abuse, families can be very different. My family was not physically affectionate so it's basically outside my comfort zone. But it became apparent that the next generation of kids in our family sought out and needed affection. So my boundaries got moved back, at least where the kids are concerned. In some sense, their view of affection is unbiased, and closer to normal than mine.

Maybe you can think of it this way, let the kids determine the amount of affection you give them. If they run to you, want to be close, to be held, sit in your lap, play, etc, then you can reciprocate to give them what they need. But don't press it beyond that, that way you can manage your own discomfort, setting it aside as needed by them. As they grow older, their needs will be less and you will have less physical contact, which is also nomal, and will be more comfortable for you.

Yeah right now I know how you feel. I am similar age and had thought I had beaten it but some of the physical things have made their presence felt.

Maybe reflect on your victory over this until now. That same strength will get you through this too.

I am not sure it ever really goes away. It just sits on our shoulder out of sight. Just know you beat it before. Take a deep breath and set about beating it again. You can and you will.

Take care.