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I can't figure out my triggers

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I can't figure out my triggers

Postby girlwithlonghair » Sun Aug 12, 2018 5:46 pm

Since this is my second post, I guess I should go into it a little bit.
Brother's dad did some things (no penetration) while I was sleeping and would stop when I woke up. Since I was asleep starting out and woke up into it (I was around 7) it confused me so I was not sure what to do. It kept happening. One night he carried me into my room after I fell asleep in the living room and touched me as we walked down the hallway and that's when I realized it was real and became scared, often too scared to fall asleep. I moved away with family at 9, mom found out about what had happened, confronted man in front of me and he convinced her I was dreaming. Even though I knew I wasn't, I didn't know what to do. When I was 25 I decided to press charges, my husband thought it would help bring me closure. Evidently it did not and has retraumatized me.

I have been feeling suicidal for about 2 weeks. I know not to do it, the feeling always passes. Lately there has been some stress in our home, the usual toddler being difficult, school starting, starting a new job just new, good changes. And as things get difficult, I can't deal and my immediate thought is "I should just die. I don't know how to handle all this well, my husband is having to do everything, why am I even here?" *cue freak out*

*cue attempt to recover from freak out*- Not the first time, possibly the worst though. My kids are STILL getting over it and it has been about two weeks. When I see them still struggling to adjust after mom freaks out, it breaks my heart more and more. Finally, I talk to a friend about it and felt better, like I could throw the thoughts away. Encouraged. My faith helps me too. Today I was trying to tell my kid to do something specific, he walked away, I asked him to respond he said he was cold and getting a blanket "you don't have to be so mean."
The rational part of me KNOWS I was just advising him and being reasonable by expecting a response. The other piece of me fell apart to hear my son say that after what had recently happened that scared him and my other little one. Once again, I go into that thought "see, what am I doing here? Everyone would be better if I were dead." I don't have the heart to walk away, I have the smarts to know I could walk away and I would still be with me with the same mind but also the guilt of leaving. So I just assume death is my only option.

I am not depressed. after a year of regular therapy and trying different medicines that do not get rid or even help with this thought process it has been concluded it is my coping mechanism. I attempted suicide at 15 and was in the hospital completely out of it for a long time and woke up by a miracle.

Now, we are beginning CBT every 2 weeks and I just started, second appointment tomorrow. I am trying so hard to find my triggers. Obviously seeing my kids hurt by my actions would be one. But there have to be others because the freak out moment did not happen from that.

Anyone have anything to put in? Similar situations where you had to find triggers?

I think my family is a big part of it, there are so many problems that just overwhelm me so I try to stay away. But some mombers I love so much, I don't know how to let them go. One being the person I lived with when I moved away....

Any thoughts on this? Maybe someone can read this and make more sense out of it than me trying to think it through.

Also, I guess I should put that I don't know how to talk about it with my therapist. I don't feel victimized, or that I deserved it, or not even animosity toward the person. Subconsciously, obviously there are feelings I refuse to feel consciously.
girlwithlonghair
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