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Hate myself

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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Hate myself

Postby cathy1411 » Sat Aug 11, 2018 7:21 am

after living with this for many years, incest, I moved away from my family and my husband always wanted to meet my family but I never had the heart to tell him about my past.
He always wanted to know and asked me a lot in the past but I wanted to bury this.
I have hated myself for so many years for a few reasons but not at least because of how I responded to it.
I gave in recently and told my husband we were going to a family reunion and once we were there sadly I had remorse again
I am struggling with this daily even after all these years
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Re: Hate myself

Postby avatar123 » Wed Aug 15, 2018 3:53 pm

Cathy, I'm sorry you're going through this. For what it's worth, you shouldn't blame yourself for what was done to you. It shouldn't have happened, regardless of how you responded to it. So please keep that in mind. A person's acceptance of abuse, does not justify the abuse. Nothing really does. Abuse is carried out by troubled people on vulnerable people. You were vulnerable and they were troubled. That's why it happened.

For abuse survivors, one of the biggest hurdles is getting over self-blame. If you read through this forum, you'll see it everywhere, so you are not alone. Always there is the thought that if I had done this or that, it might not have happened, therefore I am to blame. But if you look closely, the things they think they might have done, always have to do with becoming less vulnerable. But being vulnerable is not a crime, whereas what was done to them was a crime. That's a critical point, being vulnerable is not enough for a crime to happen, someone also has to decide to take advantage of it. Responsibility for that decision does not rest with the survivor, no matter how vulnerable they were.

It's also a heavy burden for you to carry by yourself. It might help you to talk to someone and have some support available to help you deal with it. You could call one of the abuse hotlines, there are people there who will listen but not judge, and are also experienced and can advise you well. Or if you have someone close you could confide in, or get some counseling. Your husband might be more understanding than you think.

Main thing is for you to be able to move forward from the pattern of remorse and self-hatred, which is unjustified and completely undeserved. They did the crime, you're effectively doing the time. No reason that has to be the outcome. You are no less deserving of being happy than anyone else. Your husband and present/future kids deserve that as well. So I really hope you will talk to someone.
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Re: Hate myself

Postby wildchild1226 » Mon Dec 10, 2018 3:19 am

I'm sorry for how badly you are feeling. You sound like you feel very alone, and you are not. There are so many of us out there, we are just invisible. Try not to blame yourself because you're pointing your finger at the wrong person. You are the one who was wronged and what you are feeling is valid. I hope things get better. I wish I could hug you.
God uses broken things. It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. It is Peter, weeping bitterly who returns to greater power than ever.
~Vance Havner~
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