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Child Sexual abuse eperience

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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Child Sexual abuse eperience

Postby TheL5555 » Thu May 17, 2018 11:22 am

I was sexually abused when I was four years old by another boy who was anything between 11 and 13. I completely forgot about it all until I was 17. When sitting in a psychology class we went over childhood sexual abuse. Upon hearing the definition and understanding what it was a trigger went off and I had remembered what had happened. When I was a child I thought it was simply something that I had done and was ashamed so repressed it. At the time I had been only recently been moved by social services to live with my Nan. I used to have unsupervised contact with my dad, which changed that same year, because of this he was able to take me to the persons house for sleepovers. This happened on more than one occasion. My memory is still somewhat hazy but I have certain flashbacks which are fairly vivid, including feelings and the exact way the room was. I've found as the years have gone by I've remembered more and more, though slowly. Anyway, I remember the guy who abused me, who at the time was thought of as a sort of cousin, used to show me sex acts with dolls in the house which I remember having a distinctly weird feeling about as if you know somethings not right. This escalated to him telling about this game which he called the rape game, whereby you would take on the role of the rapist or the raper. I can't remember if anything escalated past dry humping and touching. But I do have a distinct memory of feeling what I now know to have been arousal which I remember really freaked me out. I can remember at this point looking forward in the dark room to the switched off tv that was in front. He must have had me on top of him at this point. After this feeling I remember distinctly thinking that this made me gay. Weird to think a four year old me would even be so astutely aware of the concept. This is what prevented me from telling my dad. He was incredibly homophobic, erratically so, to the point where I remember at three years old I wore a pink shirt to which he ripped off of me and tore it up saying the pink is for gays while screaming at me. Anyway, I remember after this event holding my dads hand going to the same place and I really didn't want to go so I was gonna tell him what had happened but then I had this thought that came up and said that if I told him he'd think I was gay. After that I felt such an intense anxiety that me being an adult now knows no little kid should feel. I don't remember too much else about that particular situation but it did lead me to show my brother who was three years older (but not as smart) the same game. I also remember wanting to do the same thing with my older sister who was almost ten years older. I feel like I was a polluted child though being an adult who can understand things is leading me to deconstruct what has happened by confronting the situation. I've struggled quite badly with my own sexuality as I feel as though at times it's in complete disarray, it just doesn't feel like I own it. I've contended with the idea of being gay which I feel pops up irrationally as I've never actually wanted to be with a guy, however, I've said to myself that I'd be able to accept myself if I was so as to try and quell any confusion. I read somewhere that people who have struggled with this sort of thing should look back into their childhood to try and recognise what's called 'youthful noticing'. It is defined as noticing another person in a sexual way as a child before you can even wrap your head around the concept. Well I remember being sexually attracted to our babysitter when I was three, which I now obviously know was a sexual feeling. I've also throughout my life had a fairly strong attraction to my older sister which has been disturbing. I've wondered why that was and I'm not exactly sure but when I was 18 I was told by her that my dad abused her which was of course horrible news and she told me of an occasion where he crept into a room we were all sleeping in and went into each of the children's beds [a lot of kids used to stay at my mums flat] and even got my brother and her to kiss. That's all she told me of it but when she did I felt like I remembered something like that, well I'm like 95% sure I saw that and maybe this has something to do with my attraction to her? though I have no ######6 idea. Also, when I was 3/4 I remember abusing the girl who was about a year younger than me who occasionally slept in the same bed as me. It was only the once that I can remember but I remember knowing deep down it was wrong. A part of me thinks that I may have saw my dad act in such a way and thought it was okay/normal. Anyway I know this was long-winded and not all that coherent but if anyone has any input/can relate in any way let me know. It's no biggie if no one has anything to say it's been useful just to vent a few things which I can't really express with people in real life.
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Re: Child Sexual abuse eperience

Postby Dnester » Fri May 18, 2018 2:13 am

First of all i am sorry for what you went through. Secondly you cant shame yourself for arousal. That happens when we are touched you cant help thst. Thsts how the body works. Also know that you didnt abuse anyone sexually. There was only one year difference between you and this person and you were only 3 or 4. I want to share something with you a therapist told me. When you are a child you cant be held responsible for what you do because you cant understand ramifications. It may have felt wrong but you cant understand ramifications exspecially at 3 or 4. Hope this helps.
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Re: Child Sexual abuse eperience

Postby shirleytemple » Sun May 20, 2018 7:29 pm

Hi,

First off, are you seeing a professional? I can't recommend it highly enough. I'm sorry for what you've been through, and I don't think your actions as a child make you a bad person.

I'm going through a similar thing right now. I've started having memories over the past year (I'm 25). My sister sexually abused me from around 6 years old. She was 12. I'm not sure how long it went on or how bad it was. It's nice to see I'm not alone.

Are you having problems minimizing it? I'm doing my best to be honest about it with my support system, although I can't bring myself to tell my parents yet, but I keep saying "it wasn't that bad" or stuff like that.

I hope you're finding some healing.
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