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Need some advice

Postby mem18 » Tue May 15, 2018 9:45 pm

Hey guys I am new here but I have been reading some stuff on here and thought I would reach out for help.
Some back story - my boyfriend (lets call him Rob) and I have been dating for 2 years. Before our relationship started I had experience severe sexual assault - as a result our relationship went really slow. We did not have sex for a long time and it still hard sometimes, but I have always felt completely safe with Rob. He has never pressured me into anything sexual, stops the moment I say so, and has helped me through countless panic attacks when we have gotten intimate. We had our sites set on getting married. But now I am not so sure - last week he dropped an A-bomb on me.
Rob told me from the ages 12-15 he molested his sister. His sister was 8 at the time he started abusing her. Eventually she told her parents, and his parents immediately called the police. Rob was sent to live out of the house for over 3 months and had intense therapy for three years following the incident. His sister has forgiven him as have his parents - but I feel super conflicted. He has assured me he never penetrated and never had sex with her. It was only ever dry humping and touching her or making her touch him.
First off he lied to me for 2 years even knowing my history.
Any advice?
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Re: Need some advice

Postby shock_the_monkey » Tue May 15, 2018 10:09 pm

mem18 wrote:First off he lied to me for 2 years even knowing my history.

... how did he lie to you?
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Need some advice

Postby mem18 » Tue May 15, 2018 11:01 pm

I guess may be not lying. But he withheld this information from me and that makes me uncomfortable.
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Re: Need some advice

Postby shock_the_monkey » Tue May 15, 2018 11:24 pm

mem18 wrote:I guess may be not lying. But he withheld this information from me and that makes me uncomfortable.

... and it's not exactly difficult to see why. but hasn't he proven himself to you. actions speak louder than words. and, by your own admission, his actions have been exemplary.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Re: Need some advice

Postby mem18 » Wed May 16, 2018 8:25 pm

yeah I guess I just don't know what to do and was hoping someone could give some advice.
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Re: Need some advice

Postby Dnester » Fri May 18, 2018 2:20 am

Well I know i would have 4 issues right away.
1) he lied. So there is no trust
2) having been sexually abused that would be extremely awkward
3) If he is sexually attracted to children is he really attracted to me
4) being with someone that could do that

Im sorry you are going through this.
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Re: Need some advice

Postby avatar123 » Fri May 18, 2018 9:43 am

It's understandable that you would be upset about this. What he did constitutes a lie of omission, he didn't tell you something that he knew would be very important to you.

That said, it's also understandable why he did that, he's probably afraid that he would/will lose you. That doesn't make it right at all, but the fear of loss of a significant other is something we can all understand.

As far as his involvement in abuse of his sister, that too was obviously very wrong, but it may or may not be representative of his current behavior and thinking. I would not automatically assume that he is still that same teenager. We all have made poor decisions at that age, that hopefully we would not make as adults. Again that's not an excuse and it doesn't make his actions right, or justify them. But the law doesn't apply the same standard to teenagers as adults, for a reason. The level of thought and understanding is not the same.

The only way for you to know what to do now, is to have an honest discussion with him. You can tell him how this whole thing has made you feel, share your doubts and uncertainties, etc. Be honest and ask him to do the same. You could ask him how he thinks about those events now, whether he sees himself as responsible, why it was wrong, what were the harmful effects of his actions, does he thoroughly understand them? Those are the things that would help you decide where the relationship goes from here.

I will say that the way his family dealt with this seems very positive and appropriate. He was removed to eliminate the danger to his sister, but he wasn't abandoned, he was given help, and I hope she was as well. That's about the best that can be done in those situations. Hopefully it was successful. To help satisfy yourself of that, you could also talk to the sister and other family members. It would be helpful to have their perspective, as they lived through it. Do they still see him as a risk? Did they forgive him reluctantly out of some sense of obligation, or do they see these events as not being representative of who he is as a person? Are their eyes wide open and their thought process realistic?

Ultimately you have to weigh your feelings for him and your own experience with his behavior, aganst this new knowledge and these events. There is not a right or wrong answer, just an answer that most leads you towards a happy future. The more information you have available as you consider this, the better.
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